Woman Engineer: Here, Scotty! Catch this anvil!
(CLONK!)
Scotty: OW! Wait a minute! This wasn't shown in the real episode, why did it happen here?
Engineer: Because describing a woman dancing around isn't as easy or as funny to describe as physical humor. By the way, think fast!
(SPLAT!)
Scotty: Mmmm... Banana cream pie....
Engineer: Look out for the banana peel!
Scotty: The what? (SLIP! CRASH!) Son of a-- That's going to leave a mark.
McCoy: Scotty's suffering from a mild concussion. We should take him to a pleasure planet.
Kirk: All right! Helm, set course for Risa!
McCoy: He'll be all right if he'll do a one night stand with a girl there.
Kirk: So in other words, I'm not just a captain; I'm also a pimp.
McCoy: Right.
Jarvis: Welcome to Argelius II.
Kirk: Argelius II? I thought this was Risa!
Jarvis: Where?
Kirk: Never mind. Can you set Scotty here up with a date?
Jarvis: Sure can. Here, take that dancing one on stage.
Scotty: Um, right now? In front of all the people?
Woman: AHHHH!
McCoy: She's dead, Jim.
Kirk: And Scotty's holding the murder weapon!
McCoy: How will we prove Scotty's innocent?
Kirk: If only we had an android Sherlock Holmes....
McCoy: A what?
Hengist: I think it was Mr. Scott with the knife in the alley!
Kirk: Nonsense. I've got the Mr. Scott card!
Hengist: Shouldn't that be Mr. Orson Scott Card instead of-- Hey! That's just the Mr. Green card with a picture of Scotty taped over it!
Kirk: Don't be ridiculous; Scotty doesn't need a green card. But to make you happy, we'll beam down someone to test Scotty's memory.
Hengist: Make sure it's a woman.
Kirk: Why do you say that?
Hengist: Oh, no reason.
Nurse: AHHHH!
McCoy: The nurse has been murdered and Scotty is unconscious!
Kirk: This is unbelievable!
McCoy: What is it?
Kirk: The blueshirt is dead and the redshirt is still alive!
Sybo: I am Sybo. 'K?
Kirk: You're Sybok? Kirk to Spock, your brother's had a sex change!
Spock: (over the comm) Who told you I have a brother?
Kirk: Sister.
Spock: Whatever.
Sybo: There is something evil here! Evil! Eeevil! EEEEEVILLLL! Red rum! Red rum! Red--AHHHH!
McCoy: "Red AHHHH"?
Kirk: Scotty, are you trying to make yourself look guilty on purpose?
Scotty: I didn't mean to! I just slipped on a banana peel and grabbed the knife in Sybo's back to steady myself!
Kirk: Grabbed or stabbed?
Scotty: Same difference.
Kirk: See, we have the best computers ever. We can even tell when someone is lying!
Jarvis: Why don't you just have a half-Betazoid counsellor?
Kirk: Who? What? Huh?
Kirk: What is your name?
Scotty: I am Montgomery Scott.
Kirk: What is your quest?
Scotty: I seek the holy grail.
Kirk: What is your favorite color?
Scotty: Blue.
Hengist: Prove that the computer can check him if he's lying!
Kirk: Scotty, lie to me! How many fingers do you have?
Scotty: Nine.
Kirk: Hm...that's odd. The computer should have caught that.
Kirk: Computer, can you make any sense of what's been happening?
Computer: Geez, do I have to spell it out for you? Hengist is possessed by Jack the Ripper. He feeds on fear.
Hengist: Just for that, I'm going to possess you next.
Computer: Whoops.
Kirk: Bones, give everyone something to keep them euphoric and unafraid.
McCoy: Drug use in Star Trek? Thanks!
Kirk: Computer, priority one request: calculate the last digit in pi!
Computer: 3.
Kirk: Hey, you weren't supposed to answer that quickly. What's the second to last number?
Computer: 1.
Kirk: Computer, what's the first digit in pi?
Computer: Working....
Hengist: Curses! Foiled again!
Kirk: Well, we beamed Hengist into space, Scotty is cleared of murder, and everyone on board is doped up. Time to beam back down to
Risa and get some female companionship! Come on, Spock.
Spock: But Captain, I mate once every sev-- (McCoy injects Spock with drugs) --en seconds! What are you waiting for? Let's go!
(Kirk and Spock beam down at Ludicrous Speed.)
THE END
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