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[flashback to Star Trek II]
Spock: ...GAK!
Kirk: Dang.
Kirk: At least Spock died for something worthwhile.
McCoy: The Genesis Planet?
Kirk: The sequel!
[present]
Captain's Log: This really sucks!
Valkris: I�ve got the Genesis data.
Kruge: (over the comm) And the donuts?
Valkris: Ermm... no.
Kruge: I�ll have to blow you up then.
Valkris: Sucks to be me.
Bird of Prey: KAPOW!
Freighter: (boom)
Bird of Prey: That was it? What happened to all the flashy explosions?
Smoking Man: That�s being saved for later....
Spacedock Control: You are cleared to dock.
Kirk: Hey! The Excelsior is in our parking space!
Scotty: Huh. Transwarp -- it�ll never work.
Kirk: Why not?
Scotty: We�ve got to save something cool-sounding for the Borg.
Morrow: We�re not going to refit the Enterprise, so Scotty�s been conveniently assigned to work on the Excelsior.
Scotty: This sucks!
Morrow: And the Genesis planet is strictly off-limits.
Kirk: This sucks even more!
Kruge: So what do you think?
Klingon #1: Neato! I want one!
Kruge: (to Klingon #2) Just between you and me, we�re going to infiltrate Starfleet Headquarters disguised as cleaners to steal the
secret of Genesis.
Klingon #2: Wouldn�t it be easier just to go to Genesis itself?
Kruge: Either�s good.
Saavik: We�re detecting Spock�s coffin. And a lifeform next to it.
Esteban: But you said there wouldn�t be any.
Marcus: I�m a doctor, not a scriptwriter!
Saavik: Errrm... it�s Kirk you�re supposed to be like, remember?
Sarek:...so I�ve got to do a mind meld to see if Spock downloaded his katra to you.
Kirk: Fine! Anything to make you stop spouting Vulcan jargon!
Sarek: Processing... Please wait while your brain is being optimised... Shoot. It�s not there.
Kirk: Hang on... I�ve just remembered the doctor.
Sarek: Took you long enough.
Kirk: Are you sure we can�t go?
Morrow: No.
Kirk: Please?
Morrow: No.
Kirk: Pretty pretty please?
Morrow: No.
Kirk: Meanie. I�m going to go anyway.
Waitress: Whats up, doc?
McCoy: Your corniness is illogical.
Alien: Doctor McCoy, presume I.
McCoy: This just keeps getting better and better. And what�s with the Yoda impression? Anyhow, I need to get to Genesis.
Alien: Fat chance.
Federation Security Agent: Did someone say Genesis?
McCoy: Look over there! Aha! Neck pinch!
Agent: You really need to stick to decaf.
Kirk: I have to see Bones.
Guard: Okay. By the way, is it just me or can anyone else hear the theme from The Great Escape?
Kirk: Errrr...you must have tinnitis. (punches guard) Come on Bones, we�re busting you out. Here -- have an aspirin.
McCoy: Couldn�t you have just beamed me out?
Kirk: Yes, but this way I get to hit someone.
Mister Adventure: I wish something interesting would happen.
Uhura: You walked right into that one, didn�t you? Now get in the closet.
Mister Adventure: This isn�t half as embarrassing as coming out of it is going to be.
Kirk: None of you have to come with me.
Scotty: Yes we do -- it�s in our contracts.
La Forge: Hey, wait -- what am I doing here?
Chekov: Right scene, wrong film.
Sulu: Thirty seconds to spacedoors.
Kirk: Umm... Scotty, you might want to open the spacedoors sometime soon... why are you looking at your watch?
Scotty: Ten seconds till JITNOT... there.
(Spacedoors open)
Kirk: Phew. Just out of interest, what the heck is JITNOT?
Scotty: Just In The Nick Of Time, of course!
McCoy: Won�t the Excelsior catch us?
Scotty: Nope -- I upgraded its transwarp computer to Windows XP.
Captain Smug: Go to transwarp!
Generic Ensign: Aye, sir.
(Clankety-clankety-clankety-clunk)
Generic Ensign: �Kay. I think it�s broken.
Captain Smug: Try Ctrl-Alt-Del.
Saavik: (over the comm) We�ve found the second life form. Dr Marcus thinks it might be a regenerated Spock.
Esteban: Yeah, right. That�s about as likely as C/7... oh, wait. I�ll send a message to Starfleet Command.
Generic Ensign: Captain, the signal�s being blocked by a power surge of some sort.
Esteban: (looking at screen) What the heck is that? Klingons? Oh cra--
(KABOOM!)
Klingon Gunner: Oops.
Kruge: You idiot! As punishment you have to clean out Tiddles� litter tray for a month!
Klingon Gunner: NOOOOOO! Anything but that!
Saavik: Genesis has not turned out quite like you had hoped, has it?
Marcus: You know how it is -- things always look better on the box.
Saavik: The planet�s aging in surges... and Spock with it.
Marcus: Of course. He has to get old enough by the end of the film somehow.
Klingon #1: You know, those worm things are really nice on toast.
Klingon #2: Ewwwww... is that Marmite? I know we�re Klingons, but that�s pushing it a bit far.
Klingon #1: Look -- another Federation ship approaches. Engage the cloaking device!
Klingon #2: Hey! I wanted to say that!
Saavik: The Genesis project is a failure -- the planet will destroy itself in hours.
Kruge: A failure? It�s the most powerful destructive force ever created -- apart from Barney, that is. You will tell me the
secret of the Genesis torpedo!
Saavik: Umm... pass?
Kruge: Then I hope you enjoy county & western... I mean pain.
Generic Klingon: (over the comm) Sir, there�s another ship approaching.
Kruge: Beam me up, Klang... nah, it just doesn�t have the same ring to it.
Chekov: Nope, I can�t see anything... apart from that sparkly bit there.
Kirk: Yes, strange. It seems almost Bird-of-Prey-shaped....
Sulu: I think it�s a cloaked ship.
Kirk: You know I�m glad we have you around, Sulu -- I don�t think anyone else could have figured that out.
Kruge: Prepare to decloak and fire at my command... and try not to blow this one up, okay?
Sulu: It�s a Bird of Prey!
Kirk: The words "blindingly" and "obvious" come to mind. Commence fragging, Scotty.
Scotty: Twenty seconds till TWPM.
Kirk: What?
Scotty: It�s the opposite of JITNOT -- The Worst Possible Moment.
Kruge: They killed Tiddles! That�s not fair!
Generic Klingon: Yay! Um, I mean, that�s too bad.
Scotty: 3... 2... 1. There.
Kirk: Raise shields!
Scotty: We can�t -- the automation system has overloaded. Like I said, TWPM.
Kirk: For heavens� sake! All we did was fire two torpedoes!
Scotty: What can you expect? We�ve only got a 386.
Sulu: Admiral, we�ve been hit!
Kirk: Stop doing that already!
Scotty: The automation centre�s been knocked out.
Kirk: We�re a sitting duck!
Sulu: Now who�s stating the obvious?
Kirk: You presence here is a violation of the treaty and an act of war!
Kruge: (over the comm) Stuff the treaty! You killed Tiddles! Surrender or I�ll kill the prisoners -- talk to them if you don�t believe me.
Saavik: (over the comm) Admiral, this is Saavik. David is with me... and a Vulcan scientist of your acquaintance.
Sulu: She must mean Spo --
Kirk: Don�t you dare.
Kruge: To show you that I�m sincere, I will kill one of the prisoners.
Marcus: A Celine Dion album! NOOOOOOO -- GAK!
Kirk: (over the comm) You Klingon son! You killed my bastard!
Kruge: I�ll kill the other two if you don�t surrender.
Kirk: All right -- I suppose we needed a plot device for Star Trek VI anyway.
Kruge: (to Generic Klingon) Get everybody armed and form a boarding party -- we�ll find those Death Star schematics if I have to
tear the ship apart myself!
Generic Klingon: I think you�re getting Wars and Trek mixed up again... (clutches at throat) Ack! Point taken.
Kirk: I�m afraid we�re going to have to blow up the ship.
Sulu: But there�s only a dozen of them -- why can�t we just zap them as they materialize?
Kirk: Three reasons. One, because it makes for a more dramatic scene. Two, because we�re using the Bird of Prey in the next film. And three, because ILM is doing the special effects and, let�s face it, it�s the only way George Lucas is ever going to get to blow up the Enterprise.
Klingon #1: Where is everybody?
Klingon #2: Duh -- they�ve left already. By the way, does anyone know what �Self Destruct� means?
Enterprise: KERBOOM!
Kirk: Bummer.
George Lucas: Heh heh heh.
Kirk: (over the comm) Sorry about the whole exploding-ship thing. It was an accident -- honest.
(Kruge beams down)
Kruge: (to his ship) Beam all of them to the ship except Kirk and the Vulcan kid. Now Kirk, tell me the secret of the Genesis device!
Kirk: Are you kidding me? We haven�t even had our requisite fight sequence yet!
Kruge: If I�m gonna fall, I�m taking you with me!
Kirk: Yeah, right. Like that�s going to happen when there�s three more films to go.
Genesis: I�m melting, melllllting....
Bird of Prey: Huh -- not a patch on Alderaan.
High Priestess: So -- what�ll it be? Motherboard replacement? Processor upgrade?
Sarek: Nah, just a file transfer.
High Priestess: Tricky. Does McCoy consent to this?
McCoy: Duh! Do you think I came all this way for the scenery?
(gong)
High Priestess: Your request is being processed... please wait... file transfer commencing....
Kirk: Will Spock be okay?
Sarek: Possibly. Only time will tell.
Spock: Hang on a tick... I remember you lot from somewhere....
Kirk: I�ll bet you remember your fee too.
Chekov: So what now?
McCoy: We�re stuck on a planet full of Vulcans....
Kirk: Isn�t this going to be fun.
(Credits roll at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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