McCoy: Thanks for coming down to Sickbay, Jim. I have very disturbing news.
Kirk: Speak, Bones.
McCoy: I have determined that this ship's Chief Medical Officer is suffering from an incurable fatal disease and has only one year left to live.
Kirk: Chief Medical Officer, Chief Medical Officer.... Wait a minute, that's you, Bones!
McCoy: Quite true.
Kirk: So... then... in one year...
McCoy: I'm dead, Jim!
Spock: Captain, we've been attacked by missiles from some asteroid.
Kirk: Stupid enough to be true. Set a course to investigate. Also, Dr. McCoy is as good as dead.
Spock: Aw.
Uhura: Transmitting on all subspace frequencies -- "Position of Annoying Talking Human on Starship Enterprise now vacant. Medical skills would be appreciated."
Pulaski: (over the comm) You called?
Spock: Picking up some nuclear energy signatures from the so-called asteroid.
Kirk: Ooh, nuclear! Let's beam over. And Bones, are you certain there is no cure for your disease?
McCoy: Positive. And I'm still not ruling out foul play, possibly by poisoning.
Spock: Aw. I know what will cheer you up - our 56th weekly cup of tea!
McCoy: Thanks, Spock. (picks a cup)
Spock: Um, no. Here, this one is yours.
Kirk: Hmm. This is one very strange asteroid.
Spock: Agreed. Most asteroids don't have pink cylinders in their interior.
McCoy: Pink cylinders... Who built this thing? The Teletubbies?
Spock: It's a strong possibility.
Kirk: But I think a nuclear powered spaceship is beyond even them.
McCoy: True, true. Although they are very resourceful.
Kirk: An advanced, very dangerous species.
Soldiers: Freeze!
Kirk, Spock, and McCoy: GASP!
Natira: Stop! In the name of looove!
Kirk: Pardon me?
Natira: I mean, stop in the name of Oracle. But I just love that song. Looove it.
Natira: I shall now introduce you to the Oracle of Yonada.
Oracle: I am the Oracle of Yonada!
Kirk: You don't say. Anyway, we just wanted...
Oracle: Oracle's Message of the Day #1 - Potatoes make you stupid.
Kirk: Um, okay... Listen, Oracle, we come in peace!
(ZAP!)
Oracle: Stupid enough to believe the Oracle. Eat the potatoes.
Spock: It appears these people are completely unaware they live on a spaceship.
Natira: We do not live on a spaceship! Our world is a flat board held by a giant turtle.
Kirk: Suuure. And what holds the giant turtle?
Natira: Another giant turtle.
Spock: And what holds her?
Natira: You can't fool me! It's turtles, turtles, turtles, all the way down!
Old Man: I see you are in pain after the electrical zap. Here, have some weeds.
Spock: Mmmm, weed.
McCoy: Can you also give us some food?
Old Man: It's difficult to grow food on a spaceship. We have dogs, though.
Spock: What did you say? You know about the spaceship?
Kirk: Make it a poodle. And get me some chili.
Old Man: Yes, I know this is a spaceship! For the world is hollow and I have touched the sky!
Spock: Blah, blah, just tell us how we disable the Oracle!
(ZAP!)
Old Man: GAK!
Oracle: Oracle's Message of the Day #2 - Do not meddle in the affairs of the Oracle, for thou art crunchy and taste good with strawberry pie.
Spock: Look at the inscriptions on the wall. Clearly in Fabrini language. And a map of eight planets... Must be the Fabrini star system.
Kirk: Or some other of the countless billions of star systems that have eight planets. How can you be sure it's the Fabrini?
Spock: I'm just that good.
Kirk: Well... maybe.
Spock: Hah! Got you! Oh, I have waited so long, soooo long to tell you this...
Kirk: What?
Spock: Spock 1, Kirk 0!
McCoy: Fabrini, huh? Some sort of... Space Italians?
Spock: A most illogical observation, Doctor.
Kirk: No, it's not. Look at the names of the planets... Padova, Verona, Castel di Sangrio...
Spock: And how exactly are you able to read ancient Fabrini language?
Kirk: The same way you determined this is ancient Fabrini language!
Spock: And that would be?
Kirk: You know, our back-up excuse, when there's no technobabble around.
Spock: Black magic?
Kirk: Exactly! That old black magic....
Oracle: Oracle's Message of the Day #3 - I could totally kick Microsoft's butt.
Natira: What is thy bidding, my Master?
Oracle: Don't let the intruders disrupt the destiny The Book of the Creators had foretold for us.
Natira: I understand. But, Master, these people keep saying our world is a nuclear powered spaceship, on course with a highly populated planet... So, could you please tell me... what do the words "nuclear", "spaceship" and "planet" mean?
Oracle: Oh, my dear child. I'd be more than happy to educate you and rescue you from the black pit of ignorance!
Natira: I am so grateful.
Oracle: "Nuclear" means "shiny", "spaceship" means "tree frog" and "planet" means "chicken sandwich with sweet onion sauce."
Kirk: But... but... You really are on a nuclear spaceship, flying wildly through space! You will destroy a planet with 3 billion people living on it!
Natira: You're giving me very disturbing mental images. Also, shut up, there is no spaceship here.
Spock: Then why do you have this "Oracle says - clean up the warp nacelles" post-it in your hand?
Kirk: Yes, why?
McCoy: Why?
Random Person in the Room: WHY?
Kirk: WHY? WHY? WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?
Oracle: (pssst....)
Natira: Um... Oh yeah. It's my bike. I have to clean the warp nacelles on my bike. Yes. Bike.
Kirk: But of course! The bike!
Spock: Sounds perfectly logical.
McCoy: We're so sorry we doubted you!
Kirk: The bike! The bike!
Natira: Lenny, I wonder if I can have a word with you.
McCoy: Buh?
Natira: Oh, Lenny... I just can't keep it a secret anymore.
McCoy: Lenny?
Natira: I love you. I loved you from the first moment I saw you. 12.08 minutes ago. For a Space Italian woman who rides a warp bike, an eternity.
McCoy: Well... I am very honoured, and you are almost attractive, but...
Natira: If you come with me, men will hunt us, the Gods will curse us... but I will love you.
McCoy: (melts)
McCoy: Um, guys, I'm not going back to the Enterprise with you. I'm staying here with High Priestess Natira. Also known as Sugar Plum.
Kirk: Oh come on! She was just quoting Orlando Bloom to you! I can't believe you fell for that!
McCoy: Awww... Don't you just love when a woman quotes Orlando Bloom to you?
Spock: I weep.
Natira: I shall now install the Instrument of Obedience inside my Lenny.
Kirk: Ooh, kinky. Can I join?
Natira: It is the wish of the Oracle!
Kirk: Ooh, very kinky!
Natira: Dammit Jim, I'm a priestess, not a dominatrix!
McCoy: Ah... My kind of woman!
Kirk: Let's break into the Oracle's chamber.
Spock: Um, we'll get caught and seriously hurt?
Kirk: Naaah.
Spock: Dr. McCoy will have major trouble with his new girlfriend? We'll lose any chance of peacefully altering this ship`s course? The Oracle will take us prisoners and install those scary instruments inside us?
Kirk: Uh-huh, yeah, I see your point.... Okay, let's break in.
Kirk: (breaks)
Spock: (enters)
Natira: Thieves! Burglars! You shall burn! Buuuurn!
Spock: Wonderful. You just had to ignore my logical advice. AGAIN!
Kirk: Sorry, Spock. Like I said the last time -- it won't happen again.
McCoy: (sigh) You nitwits. Which part of "Breaking into the Oracle's chamber is a horrible sacrilege and you will be punished by death" didn't you understand?
Kirk: Sacrilege.
Spock: But if we find the Book of the Creators, we might prove to everyone this is indeed a spaceship!
McCoy: Honey, can they please leave? I'm sure they're not dumb enough to try it again.
Natira: Okay. But in exchange you'll vacuum clean for a week. AND take out the trash!
McCoy: Thanks, guys. Thanks sooo much....
McCoy: So, will putting this instrument under my skin hurt?
Natira: (takes out a gigantic needle) Yes. Very much!
Chief Medical Officer's Lo... er... Bones' LiveJournal: Here I am, vacuum cleaning for hours, and she claims she's still having a headache. Good times. Current mood: letharg-- Hey, would you look at that? The Book of the Creators!
Little Spock on McCoy's shoulder: Leave it and continue vacuum cleaning.
Little Kirk on McCoy's shoulder: Call me, tell me of this book, let's all get into big trouble!
McCoy: Um... um... (clicks communicator) Bones to Jim!
Kirk: OK, find Bones quickly. I sure hope he's alright. That damn Oracle can't keep track of everything.
Spock: Doctor McCoy's unconscious body in that corridor would seem to suggest otherwise.
Kirk: Argh! Quick, remove his instrument of obedience!
Spock: I can't. No technobabble anywhere in this episode!
Kirk: Well, in that case...
Spock: (sigh) Abracadabra.
Kirk: See, Oracle tried to kill your boyfriend! It's evil and devious and it's been lying to you! You really ARE on a spaceship....
Natira: You might be right. I'll go ask Oracle for the truth. Do other people also live in giant tree frogs?
Kirk: Um... yeeeah, sure they do. Now go ask already!
Oracle's LiveJournal, entry #444447: People keep asking me questions about the nuclear-powered spaceship. If ANYONE asks me a question about the nuclear-powered spaceship again....
Natira: Hi, I just wanted to ask you again about the nuclear-powered spaceship.
(ZAP!)
Natira: GAK!
...I'm so going to kill that person. End journal entry.
McCoy: Nooooo! My love, dead! My last chance of happiness, destroyed! And all my dreams, torn asunder!
Spock: Sheesh, zip it already. I can still feel the pulse. And I can revive her and remove her instrument of obedience.
McCoy: But... but... how?
Kirk: (sings) That old black magic, has me in its spell... that old black magic that we weave so well...
Spock: OK, we must access the Book of the Creators. But it's locked behind this.
Kirk: Let's start pressing this buttons on the star system map randomly.
Here, I'll press planets Palermo and Bologna, you can take Verona and Piacenza.
(Kirk and Spock press buttons)
Spock: Hey, it worked!
Kirk: Wow. This is almost too good to be true.
(the chamber starts superheating)
Oracle: Heh. Heheh. Heheheheh. BUUUUURN!
Kirk: So... hot... can't... breathe...
Spock: Just reach... some more... and grab... the book...
Kirk: Arrrrrgh... Gotcha!
Spock: Read... the instructions...
Kirk: To disable... the Oracle... logically convince it to self-destruct. Oh, how very original.
Spock: Just... do it!
Kirk: Um... um... Episode II: Attack of the Clones!
Oracle: NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The Oracle's Message of the Day #4: GAK!
Kirk: Well, this turned out quite nice. Not only did we destroy the evil Oracle and alter the spaceship's course, but the medical knowledge of the Book of the Creators also gave us the cure for Doctor McCoy's disease!
Pulaski: So my abilities are no longer needed?
Kirk: Oh go away, you non-Crusher.
Spock: Doctor McCoy will live! We must celebrate! Here, Doctor, have a cup of tea.
McCoy: There was no need for any worries. I mean, really, I'm the main character, from the opening credits! We can't die!
Yar: Oh, you'd be surprised.
Dax: Hell yeah.
Data: Tell me about it.
McCoy: I have to go.
Natira: I know.
McCoy: Will you wait for me?
Natira: No.
McCoy: Then I guess... this is goodbye, forever...
Natira: Ciao, amore.
(The Enterprise and the Shiny Tree Frog warp off at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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