Five-Minute "Home Soil"

Mandl: (over the comm) I'm innocent! Innocent, I tell you!
Picard: Why wouldn't you be innocent?
Mandl: Very good question. Why don't you go away while I think of the answer?
Troi: (to Picard) I sense he's hiding something. I also sense you already knew that.
Picard: Sigh. Dr. Mandl, it wouldn't be a problem if we beamed down an Away Team, would it?
Mandl: Um, er, no! No problem at all. Crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap!
Picard: You're still transmitting.
Mandl: Crap.

Louisa Kim: Hi! I'm in charge of PR for the terraformers; let me give you the tour. Afterwards, you can visit our giftshop.
Riker: Thanks.
Louisa: No problem. (ahem) What is terraforming? Well, put simply, terraforming is life from lifelessness....

Nerd 1: Why doesn't this thing work?
La Forge: Oooh! Sounds like a technobabble problem! Did you try to regerbalize the afroterf?
Nerd 2: Wow! You're good with technobabble. You should be your ship's Chief Engineer!
La Forge: During the first season, I'd rather be a main character than Chief Engineer of the Week.
Nerd 2: Good point.

Mandl: I'm glad you've all arrived safely. When are you leaving?
Troi: I sense he wants us to leave.
Riker: Sigh. I think I like seventh season Troi better.

Troi: I'm sensing that Nerd 2's in danger!
Riker: I don't hear any screams. Are you actually being useful for once?
Nerd 2: AAAAAH!
Riker: Wow. She was.

Data: Hey, Geordi! Look down this hole!
La Forge: Weird. It's inorganic, but it's doing strange flashy things.
Data: Who would've known there would be such a devil in the dark?

Crusher: Computer, is this ugly piece of mostly sand alive?
Computer: Pfft! Whoever heard of sand being alive?
Data: Computer, recheck analysis.
Computer: Oh my gosh! It's alive! Oh wait, no, it's still sand.

Captain's Log: The little speck of sand has split in two and is trying to communicate with us. All of us now agree that the sand is alive. Well, except for the computer.

Computer's Log: Of course I don't think it's alive! It's a piece of sand for crying out loud! I think the crew has taken one too many trips to the sandbar, if you know what I mean.

Picard: Did you know there were lifeforms on the planet?
Nerd 1: At first the sand was just showing circles, but then it started displaying ellipses, parabolas, and the weirdest thing I've ever seen!
Picard: Come on, it couldn't be that weird.
Nerd 1: That was a hyperbole. It showed a hyperbola.
Picard: How eccentric.
Nerd 1: At least 4.5. Maybe higher.

Riker: Captain, you should look at this picture of the sand.
Picard: (over the comm) Amazing, it's using force lightning!
Riker: Does this mean it has joined the dark side?
Picard: I'm afraid so, Number One.
Riker: Look at all the chaos Mandl brought.

Microbrain: You've been mean to us. Therefore we're declaring war on you.
Picard: Please. Make love, not war.
Microbrain: Obviously you haven't been observing our reproduction in the lab here. We're doing both.
Picard: Hm. The best of both worlds....

Data: I figured it out! They're photoelectric.
Picard: All right. Kill the lights!
Lights: GAK!
Picard: I meant in the lab, stupid.
Data: Sorry.

Picard: Well, let this incident forever prove that there are more lifeforms out there than just carbon-based ones.
Data: Actually, Captain, there are more than 470 accounts of non-carbon-based life. Including me.
Picard: But this time will be different. This time people will listen!
Yar: What's he babbling about this time?
Worf: Who cares?
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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This fiver was originally published on August 7, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.