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The Ocean: I'm creepy. Woooo....
Emily: I hope you realize I won't just throw myself at you. You've ignored me for so long it'll take you at least half an hour to make up for it.
Jake: Well, I've got just the thing. Come on inside.
Emily: But it's romantic out here on the swings.
Jake: Romantic? You're swinging like a nine-year-old high on pixie sticks.
Emily: I'm building up speed to throw myself at you.
Jake: So my friend gave me this really scary videotape. Wanna see it?
Emily: Sure, that sounds like something I knew nothing about before coming here.
Jake: Great! Just pop it in and watch it in the next two minutes. DO NOT SCREW ME ON THIS. I'll be in the kitchen inexplicably not making sure you do it.
Emily: 'Kay.
Jake: Oh God oh God oh God oh God oh --
Timmy: (over the phone) Relax, man, you'll be fine now. I went through all this too. I just didn't make a DVD extra about it.
Jake: So... so water and/or blood gushing out from under the living room door is normal too, right?
Timmy: Totally! Gotta go now. Your eulogy won't write itself.
TV: Well.
Jake: AAAAA! You screwed me, didn't you? I said not to do that!
Emily: I didn't! I watched the video! It was just longer than two minutes!
Jake: Oh my God. That's why she added all those deer and stuff to the cursed video!
Samara: It was my greatest idea ever. Wanna see what death is like?
Jake: (sigh) And here's the hell girl now. Will you at least drive Emily insane after you kill me?
Samara: Yep. Standard procedure.
Aidan's Camera: CLICK
Rachel: Now remember, honey, we're here to begin a new life. All we did was get somebody killed; we deserve a fresh start. So it would really help if you could try to be less creepy.
Aidan: Why, Rachel? What's so creepy about taking pictures of ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING?
Rachel: (sigh) You could at least call me Mommy.
Aidan: Now you're being silly. Your name isn't Mommy.
Max: Dammit, Keller! Your half-baked reporting may have been good enough for Seattle, but it won't cut it here!
Rachel: In Astoria?
Max: Exactly! This is the big leagues! Shape up or ship out! ...So, how's my "hardass editor" impression?
Rachel: Not very convincing. You don't really seem the type to make threats.
Max: Oh, those were real. Look up. That's the direction you need to shape.
Police Scanner: Some units to Ridgecrest. Possible-but-probably-not homicide. Facially-mutilated teen found in front of TV. Not even a good show.
Rachel: Oh no! NO!
Max: What's so alarming about that story?
Rachel: It just, uh... it has a familiar ring.
Cop: Reporter, huh? I still can't let you into a crime scene.
Rachel: Can I sneak in?
Cop: Only if I don't find out.
Rachel: Let's see... videotape, videotape...
Samara (via corpse): YOU.
Rachel: AAAAAAAA!
Samara: What the hell are you doing breaking into an ambulance? Seriously. I may be creepy, but you're just a creep.
Rachel: How? How did this happen? We only made one copy!
(pause)
Rachel: Okay, I guess if Eminem's face had melted, I would probably have read about it by now.
Emily: A visitor. Hi.
Rachel: You're the new Becca, right? What did you do with the tape?
Emily: Nothing. I was really very busy going crazy.
Rachel: Then it's still in the machine? Great, I'll go get it.
Emily: Hang on, I have a message for you... "You're breaking and entering again already? What does it take, woman?"
Fire: FWOOOOSH
Rachel: There. This'll get rid of Samara, or at least convince her to stop using flammable media.
TV: Well.
Aidan: Oh no! Samara's going to come out of the TV!
Samara: Yep. That's the plan. Right out of the -- YOINK!
Aidan: AAAAA!
Rachel: Honey, what's wrong? Did you dream about you-know-who?
Aidan: Voldemort? ...Um, no, it was nothing. Don't worry.
Rachel: Uh huh. So why is your bed soaked with water?
Aidan: I think it's actually tea.
Rachel: Let's try to take our minds off things and have some fun at this marke--
Local Women: Hey, newcomer! Come socialize with us!
Rachel: (Uh oh. Quick, Aidan, scream in pain.)
Aidan: (But I'm not in --) OWWWWW!
Rachel: Sorry! Can't talk right now! You know how boys are always getting themselves hurt by not doing as they're told!
Toilets: BLAST
Aidan: Wow. Rachel never told me my real dad was Poseidon.
Samara: Hey! That was me. Don't try to take credit.
Aidan: AAAAAAAAA!
Samara: That's right. I'm coming for you. I'M COMI-- okay, quit taking pictures. Come on. Please? I'm serious. This is an invasion of privacy! Screw it, I'm coming back when you're out of film.
Max: Oh, hi Rachel. You're easy to spot here. Those movie-star looks don't exactly blend in.
Rachel: I'm hearing this from Simon Baker?
Aidan: (offscreen) AAAAAAAAA!
Rachel: Uh oh. I'd better go, I don't remember causing that one.
Aidan: *shiver*
Rachel: Aidan! You're soaking again! What happened?
Aidan: Scary... sequence...
Rachel: Can't you tell me anything more?
Aidan: ...Slightly different in director's cut...
Rachel: At least Samara can't get at us while we're driving. Actually, maybe we should just stay in --
Deer: WHAM
Rachel: Uh...
Deer: WHAM WHAM WHAM
Rachel: Samara, I'm accustomed to a certain standard of both logic and special effects from you, and this is not cutting it.
Rachel: Okay, honey, get upstairs and try to... uh, stop hypotherming. Do some push-ups or something.
Aidan: Call a doctor! You never call anyone!
Rachel: Oh, fine, this once. *dials phone* Hello, Doctor? My son is having severe --
Secretary: (over the phone) SEVEN DAYS.
Rachel: AAAAA!
Secretary: That's the next available appointment. And we don't assign benefits. Full price up front.
Rachel: AAAAA!
Secretary: And this call is costing you 10 cents a -- (power goes out)
Rachel: Whew. I mean AAAAA!
Samara: *scratches the wall*
Rachel: Aidan! It's not safe here! We -- huh.
Aidan: She's been doing that for a while. I think she's bored.
Rachel: Really? Maybe we should just slip out and leave her to it.
Aidan: I don't know. It's probably pretty bad for the wall.
Wall: *burns away, revealing a huge flaming tree*
Aidan: See?
Rachel: YESYOUWERERIGHTLET'SGONOW
Max: Hey, this isn't Bring Your Crazy Son to Work Da--
Rachel: Not now! *slams door* Okay, honey, listen close. I have a plan. First I'll leave you with a coworker I barely know, then I'll go back to our literally haunted house to get some things we could buy at the store, then I'll come back and we'll skip town. Any questions?
Aidan: You shouldn't have said all that out loud. Samara can hear us whenever we're not asleep.
Rachel: What? She's messed with both of us in our sleep! Repeatedly!
Aidan: Yeah, but that was before this important scene.
Max: What the heck happened to your car?
Rachel: Oh, deer.
Max: Did you not know?
Rachel: Never mind. Max, my son is dangerously sick. Can I come over to your place?
Max: Yeah!
Rachel: With my son.
Max: ...Ah. Um, sure.
Rachel: Come on, honey. Get in the tub and warm up.
Aidan: But I'm suddenly terrified of water! There must be a reason!
Rachel: That's silly. Water isn't dangerous. Not even in horror movies known for their shocking twist endings.
Rachel: Okay, let's see. First-aid kit, toilet paper, that magazine that was on sale... and I should probably see if there's something creepy I should bring.
(silence)
Rachel: I said --
Aidan's Camera: Oh, fine. "I'm creepy. Woooo..."
Rachel: Thank you.
Max: The door slammed shut! I can't open it! We'll never get your son out of there, Rachel. If only there were some way you could produce a new child...
Rachel: Calm down! *opens door* See? It was just ajar.
Max: Really? Then it was the first one a man couldn't open and a woman could.
Bathwater on the Ceiling: *crashes to the floor*
Rachel: Aidan, I know you like to play in the bath, but this is a bit much.
Samara: Not Aidan. Hey mom.
Rachel: GAH! DROWN IT!
Aidan: *glug glug*
Rachel: Oh, come on! This is like the ghost version of three-card monte!
Doctor: We've got your son stabilized for the moment. Exactly how long was he in the freezer?
Rachel: He wasn't!
Doctor: Really? That's strange. I wouldn't have thought the oven could produce these results.
Max: Look, Rachel, we all have secrets. I'm actually from Australia, you're a child abuser... this is just life. You can talk to me.
Rachel: Australia? Rea-- No, hold it! I haven't been abusing Aidan! It's the evil ghost from the horse farm!
Max: Oh, okay. That clears it right up.
Rachel: I'll prove it! Look, all these photos of him have a spooky girl in them now!
Max: And that's supposed to convince me? She doesn't even look like Daveigh Chase.
Rachel: Take a new picture and see what she does. Just promise not to think too hard about the implication that I knew she would do it.
Aidan: (sleeping)
Rachel: I swear I'll find a way to save you, honey. I just wish I knew where to start...
Vision in Rachel's Mind: Static. Static. Random stream-of-consciousness images, including some new stuff. No well, you did that already. Static.
Rachel: Whoa! Thanks, Aidan. I just hope that link didn't go both ways. I had "Bananaphone" stuck in my head.
Dr. Temple: Mrs. Keller, I'm with Child Services. Your son has some serious bruises -- do you know how that happened?
Rachel: Ghost. TV ghost from a well who melts faces.
Temple: I see. Do you ever find yourself... angry with your son?
Rachel: Only all the time. Little brat doesn't even call me -- hey! You think I'm abusing him, don't you?
Temple: Oh no, I believed the face-melting story. You're going to have to stay out of Aidan's room.
Rachel: Can I sneak back into --
Temple: No. But if it makes you feel better, I'll lock you in a different room and you can sneak out.
Rachel: I'll find a way to stop you, Samara. I swear it!
Samara: (Fortunately, I took the precaution of setting up a fetch quest.)
Social Worker: Sorry, I'm not allowed to divulge the original parents of an adopted child.
Rachel: But my son's life is at stake! Can you sneak me the --
Social Worker: No! Stop asking!
Real Estate Agent: You're just in time for the open house! As you can see, the Morgans took great care of this place. They only drove it on Sundays and never went over 30.
Rachel: I assume there's nothing else a buyer ought to know about the Morgans?
Agent: Nope! Nothing at all.
Rachel: *raises eyebrow*
Agent: Though they do have a cousin in Miami who kills people.
Aidan/Samara: *wakes up* AAAAA!
Nurse: Calm down! What's wrong?
Aidan/Samara: Ring ring ring ring... oh man, I can't get it out of my head!
Rachel: Hmm... deer antlers... that stupid mirror from the video... looks like the Morgans were letting the prop department use their basement.
Spooky POV: *approaches*
Rachel: Hey! A notebook full of crazy like Aidan made in the first film. This newspaper clipping about someone almost drowning her daughter... that must be Samara's real mom!
Lights: *go out*
Rachel: Yikes! Who's there?
Nobody:
Rachel: Really? It's not even the real estate guy? What kind of cheap B-movie just throws in scary stuff with nothing behind oh hey I just realized that's way better for me so I'll shut up.
Temple: Would you say your mother is mean to you, Aidan?
Aidan/Samara: No, Mom's nice.
Temple: Please? This has the makings of a really juicy case.
Aidan/Samara: No.
Temple: It's for your own good! I can make sure your mom never freezes you in the oven again!
Aidan/Samara: I think you'll find that what you really want to do is stab yourself with a needle full of poison. *stare*
Temple: ...Whoa. Yeah! Thanks for the suggestion! I would never have thought of that myself.
Rachel: So I saw the name of this place in the notebook and decided to get me to a nunnery.
Nun: I told you, this is a shelter, it's just run by nuns. But yes, I remember this woman. Her name was Evelyn and we delivered her baby here. We didn't get a last name --
Rachel: I'll give her one. Moser. No, Lively. No, Yamamura!
Nun: Anyway, we let her stay until she tried to drown the baby. We should've seen it coming when she claimed to be married to the sea.
Rachel: So you adopted the baby out... and Evelyn?
Nun: We got her to a nuttery.
Max: What are you doing in my house instead of the hospital?
Aidan/Samara: I woke up and they let me go. Something about budget cuts.
Max: Nice! Your bad luck is my fuel for an award-winning editorial. "They say laughter is the best medicine, but the way Astoria treats sick children is no laughing matter. When I heard the stories, I didn't know whether to laugh or --" Oh man, I've gotta write this down!
Aidan/Samara: Can I stay here and wait for Mom?
Max: Sure. I like to think of myself as a sort of guardian. Also a mentalist.
Rachel: I'm here to visit someone who goes by the name --
Asylum Employee: I swear to God, if you say "the Holder of the End", I'm calling the cops.
Rachel: Huh? No. Evelyn Asakawa.
Asylum Employee: Oh, you must be Rachel. She's expecting you. Kid problems, right?
Rachel: ...Maybe I should call the cops.
Evelyn: Welcome! Have some tea.
Rachel: This looks like sea water.
Evelyn: DRINK THE TEA.
Rachel: Yep, you're Samara's mother all right. Listen, my son is --
Evelyn: Possessed! Possessed by the dead! They can't come back on their own, but if they find an unprotected child, they can sneak back!
Rachel: Well, I guess I was asking for that. What do I do?
Evelyn: DRINK THE --
Rachel: Right, right, after that.
Max: So, uh... can I take your picture?
Aidan/Samara: NO.
Max: Okay, I won't. (I'll just leave the camera here on a timer.)
Aidan/Samara: Good. (I'll just leave your corpse in the car.)
Evelyn: Listen, Rachel. Listen to what your child is telling you. It should sound like "glug glug".
Rachel: I'm confused. You're talking as if our situations are the same, but your child was the real Samara. Does that mean there was some other ghost possessing her and she was innocent originally?
Evelyn: Oh, by all means let's ask the crazy person to unravel complicated plotlines. Go drown your kid!
Rachel: Well, that trip sort of helped. I just hope I'm not too --
Max's Corpse: HELLO.
Rachel: Max! He's dead! And I... I never got the chance to tell him that... (sniff)... that I was Australian too!
(long pause)
Rachel: *takes his wallet*
Aidan/Samara: Welcome back, Mommy!
Rachel: Weren't you in the hospital? Wait, why didn't I go there first? I can't even think, I'm so tired... better take a nap.
Aidan/Samara: I can make you some chamomile.
Rachel: Please don't.
Aidan: Rachel, you have to drown me.
Rachel: Why does everyone keep saying that? I even tried earlier!
Aidan: Well, put more effort into it! Samara will only leave if she knows you'll kill me to get rid of her.
Rachel: Okay, but I stop at the last minute, right?
Aidan: Don't say it out loud! Not only are you telling the audience, I think Samara's coming back!
Rachel: Oh, come on! You SAID she can't do dreams! As soon as you're done being possessed, you're grounded!
Rachel: Here, uh... "honey". Have a sandwich.
Aidan/Samara: This tastes like pills.
Rachel: That's Aidan's favourite flavour.
Aidan/Samara: I (mmph) know that. Because (mmph) I'm Aidan. See? (THUD)
Rachel: I can't believe I'm really going to do this. Nobody take this movie as an example, okay? *submerges Aidan*
Aidan/Samara: Noooo! I'm melting! What a world, what a world! Who would have thought --
Rachel: Must you?
Aidan/Samara: I'm just killing time. My cool CGI death sequence takes a while to warm up. Here we go.
(CGI death sequence)
Rachel: Next time, warm up longer.
Rachel: Wake up, Aidan! It worked! Samara left!
Aidan: *cough cough*
Rachel: Sheesh, I only almost drowned you. Don't be such a wimp.
Aidan: (spits up water)
Rachel: And a thank-you would not be out of place, young man.
TV: Well.
Rachel: Oh, come ON!
Aidan: Uh oh. I guess we need a more convincing way to fake-kill me. Do we have any tri-ox compounds?
Samara: I can freaking hear you!
Rachel: There's only one way to end this. Samara, I'll be your mother, just leave Aidan alone.
Samara: Cool. *pulls Rachel into the TV*
Aidan: Mommmmmmm! ...How'd you know she could do that?
(SPLOOSH)
Rachel: Okay, Samara! Here I am in the well!
(silence)
Rachel: Well?
(silence)
Rachel: Well, if you're not even going to show up, I'm leaving.
Rachel: (climbing up) Wow, this is easy. Maybe I was a rock-climber in a past life. Or maybe this is Samara's Matrix and I'm the One!
Samara: (following) Don't try to brag. I can see you using the ladder.
Rachel: There you are! I bet if I hurry I can trap you with that half-closed lid.
Samara: -- Uh, no. That wouldn't work. Don't bother trying.
Rachel: Ha! Are you serious? Why did you even make a lid you can't open yourself?
Samara: Not my fault. There was a lid on the real well.
Rachel: But it was closed. And anyway, what about the well from your video? There's no lid on --
Samara: Oh, by all means let's question the murder ghost's logic. Get back in the water!
Rachel: *pushes the lid*
Samara: Wait! Mommy --
Rachel: NOT THE MAMA!
(SLAM)
Rachel: Bet you didn't think I could find something sillier to say in the fiver than in the actual movie.
Aidan: (from offscreen) Mom!
Rachel: This must be a callback. I can get out by following Aidan's voice.
(Rachel falls off a cliff)
Rachel: Aaaa! Wrong callbaaaack...
Aidan: I'm so glad you're back, Mommy!
Rachel: I'm not your f$#%ing m-- uh, you should probably switch back to Rachel. I'm going to be in catchphrase mode for a while.
Aidan: Sure. So what do we do now?
Police and Child Services: KNOCK KNOCK
Rachel: *hug* We move to Australia.
THE END...
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