Admiral Archer: Hello!
Reader: Uh, hi. Why are you in an Original Series story?
Admiral Archer: To explain a single line in the new movie. Get used to it!
Nero: Rage! RAAAAGE AT SPOCK! For really good reasons, actually.
George Kirk: (over the comm) Does that mean you'll spare us?
Nero: Ha ha ha no.
Young Spock: Nothing seems different about this scene...
Sarek: Pay more attention. The title card said "Original Vulcan."
Kirk: I thought you were already a captain. How come your ship's still being built?
Pike: No, this is a complete refit. Every inch must be changed!
Kirk: How come?
Pike: There's been a revolutionary development in -- okay, it was a decree from management. Same reason we keep changing the uniforms.
McCoy: Jim, you need to stop repressing your issues from the Farragut. The way you're acting, no one would even know you went through such a tragedy.
Kirk: What tragedy?
McCoy: Yeah, this is what I mean.
Pike: We've got to stop Nero. Take us to Vulcan at maximum warp!
Spock: Aye, sir!
(A few hours later...)
Pike: Sulu, why did you just say "a few hours later"?
Sulu: Wow, the newline character didn't fool you?
Spock: Nooooo! My mother is dead!
Chekov: Actually, I think at the last second I detected another transporter sig--
Spock: Shh. I want to briefly reconcile with Dad over this.
Kirk: Man, what a battle. Thank God we managed to save Earth.
(A few years later...)
Kirk: Hiding your speaker credit isn't fooling anybody.
Sulu: Nuts.
Spock: Stay in Starfleet? I can't, the new Vulcan needs me. Seriously, look at the place, it's like an Ed Wood movie.
Spock Prime: Leave that to me. You have a great destiny ahead of you.
Spock: What kind of destiny? Success in Starfleet and maybe diplomacy?
Spock Prime: Yep. It's all good. There's nothing I feel any particular need to warn you about.
Chekov: Guess what? I was 26 before, but relativity means I'm 22 now.
Kirk: You were never that young!
Chekov: No -- I was younger.
(At this point we skip the years that the next couple of movies will happen in. Don't worry, it's not like they'll contradict any of this.)
Kirk: Shut UP, Sulu!
Sulu: Hey, I'm having fun.
Pike: We need to un-refit the ship.
Kirk: Another management decree?
Pike: No, we're just on a sixties kick.
Stiles: The Romulans are Vulcans! The Vulcans are Romulans! So... both species must be evil robots built by the Klingons! It all adds up!
Kirk: What's with him?
Spock: Mr. Stiles is reacting to a seeming contradiction by devising one implausible explanation that covers both. It is a common strategy for those with a particular turn of mind.
Kirk: Obsessive?
Spock: Deranged.
(Many years vould pass before the next significant change from canon.)
Kirk: Sulu, I swear to -- wait a minute. "Vould"?
Chekov: He vas busy and I vas bored.
Spock: So peace with the Klingons is possible! I wonder if we could --
Pardek: -- make peace with the Romulans too?
Spock: I was going to say team up and conquer the Romulans, but cloaked ships are pretty hard to find. Peace it is.
McCoy: I can't believe the Enterprise-B killed Jim.
Spock: So they say. But deep down in my very soul, I know --
McCoy: Relax, I meant that literally. I was there for the original series, remember? If there's no body, he ain't dead.
Spock: Friends, Romulans, countrymen, lend me your pointy ears!
Romulans: Ollllld.
Spock: The author knows that now, after googling it, but he still thinks it's too perfect not to use. Anyway, let's become one species again. You do have the extra eyelids, right?
Nero: Mister Spock, I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
Spock: GAH! NERO!
Pardek: Why does he always get that reaction? It's as if Nero makes people think of some historic monster.
Spock: Okay, I won't panic. Nero will be fine if I can fix Romulus so it never produces a lame Vulcan-hating supervillain.
Sela: You may have some disappointments in store.
Spock: Hey, get out of here. There's nothing more annoying than a character brought back from the dead by contrived, desperate methods.
McCoy: Bad news, Spock. The Enterprise-D killed Jim, for real this time.
Spock: I will stop at nothing to bring him back to life!
Picard: I'm afraid it's true -- Captain Kirk is dead. He was either crushed under a bridge or shot in the back, I didn't get a good look.
Spock: I don't suppose he left you his katra?
Picard: No, but I think I still have some of Sarek's rattling around in here.
Spock: I won't let it end like this. Somehow I'll find a way for Jim to return.
Picard: You know, there's a book that might give you some ideas...
Spock: That book is ridiculous. Who ever heard of combined Romulan/Borg technology?
Scotty: So you want us to help you bring down Starfleet from the inside?
Spock: No no. All I need is a fast ship and a star to blow up with it.
Chekov: *cracks knuckles* Bring down Starfleet from the inside. Gotcha.
Spock: I said --
Uhura: Oh, don't you back out now. We've been waiting years for this.
Galorndon, Devron, etc: (BOOM)
Spock: Success! My plan to save Kirk by imitating his killer has --
Nelvana: (BOOOM)
Spock: Wait, what?
Bassen Sigma: (BOOOOM)
Spock: Oh no! Why would the red matter horn in on other stars?
Some Other TNG-Episode Star: The energy clearly has a higher peak than you th-- (BOOOOOM)
Spock: I've got to hurry. At the current rate of increase --
Romulan Sun: (BOOOOOOM)
Spock: A six-O explosion! I'm too late! And now --
Romulans: GAAAAAAK!
Spock: At least I've figured out how to stop this before any other stars explode. Though come to think of it, Betazed is probably coming up soon...
Nero: (over the comm) Spock, you genocidal maniac! You came to bury Romulus, not to save it!
Spock: No, I assure you -- I am an honourable man. This was an accident! I had no idea my plan to destroy a bunch of stars, in the year that your future self came back from seeking revenge on me for the destruction of a star, would go so tragically wrong!
Nero: Fire all weapons!
Spock: But I'm not a --
Nero: So you're a genocidal IDIOT! Either way!
(TIME-WARP)
Nero: What the --? Where are we?
George Kirk: (over the comm) Hi. What brings you here?
Nero: Rage! RAAAAGE AT SPOCK! For --
George Kirk: Yeah, yeah, we heard the first time.
(TIME-WARP)
Spock Prime: Where am I?
Nero: It took me 25 years, but I figured it out. We moped ourselves back in time.
Spock Prime: So how did you get here 25 years before me?
Nero: I was moping harder.
Spock Prime: (No choice... to motivate Jim, I'll have to lie.)
Kirk: So in the other timeline, did my dad survive?
Spock Prime: Yes, and he gave me a message for you: "Son, Spock Prime is cool. Do whatever he says."
Nero: I did it! I destroyed Vulcan! Here in the past in the same year when the original Vulcan got destroyed by a mysterious unidentified -- huh.
Nero's First Officer: What is it?
Nero: I think I may owe Spock an apology. It's easier to be a genocidal idiot than I thought.
Narada: (BOOM)
Spock Prime: All's well that ends well. And now, away I go to hone my Obi-Wan act and try to live long enough to benefit from my atrocities. If anyone objects to this plan, speak now.
Keenser:
Spock Prime: Excellent.
Spock Prime: Space: the final frontier. These are the factors of the number 11: just 1 and itself. I knew that. I knew because eleven is prime.
THE END
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