Five-Minute "Season of Death"

D'Argo: Pilot, is Crichton finished with the surgery to remove Scorpius' neural chip from his brain that Crichton only agreed to after the neural clone killed Aeryn at the end of last season?
Pilot: No, and may I remind you that I'm supposed to do the exposition around here?

D'Argo: Oh no! The Diagnosan was murdered by Scorpius before the surgery was finished and now Crichton can only mumble gibberish.
Rygel: That's nothing new.
Pilot: (from ship) I'm warning you, D'Argo....
Diagnosan: Excuse me? I'm not dead yet.
Stark: Oooo, is somebody dying?
All: No!

D'Argo: Zhaan, you need to mind-meld with John. I mean, do Unity.
Zhaan: Um, can I sit this one out? I've got a bad feeling about doing Unity in this episode.

Scorpius: Grunschlk, you're going to keep me hidden here until my Imperial Cruiser, er, Command Carrier arrives to whisk me away, right?
Grunschlk: Um, sure, Scorpius. You can trust me. I wouldn't sell you out to the Scarrans or anything. Oops.
Scorpius: Buddy, you are about to learn the meaning of the expression "the fickle finger of fate."

Harvey the Neural Clone: Well, we should probably die now. You do it.
Crichton: You suck. On the other hand, I can't talk, the woman I thought I was going to get it on with is dead, and Scorpius is going to get the wormhole technology and take over the galaxy.
Zhaan: Hellooo? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone home?
Crichton: Go away. I'm brooding here.

Zhaan: (coming out of Unity) Kill him! Kill him! Kill him!
Stark: Well....
D'Argo: You two! Out! Diagnosan, fix Crichton's brain.
Diagnosan: Dammit, D'Argo, I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker!

Crichton: Hey, look, it's the warehouse out behind where we film! I wonder if we can see Lucy Lawless from here. Maybe life is worth living.
Harvey: Kill us now, please!
Crichton: You. In the trash.

Chiana: I know I'm dating your dad and all, but let's have sex and ruin all three of our lives.
Jothee: Okay!

Diagnosan: Hey, Grunschlk, there's something here! It looks like that Scarran you had in deep freeze in case Scorpius came back.
Grunschlk: Shut up shut up shut up!
(Scarran zaps Diagnosan with a heat ray)
Diagnosan: AUGH! (dies)
Scorpius: Scarran, hm?
Grunschlk: Crap.

Zhaan: I think Aeryn's still alive.
Stark: Look, I'm the death and dying expert here. This Peacekeeper is dead. She's rung down the curtain and joined the Marauders Invisible. If you hadn't stuck her upright in a freeze chamber she'd be pushing up the daisies. This is an ex-Peacekeeper.
Zhaan: Shut up, you.
(Zhaan whacks Stark on the head)

Scarran: You said Scorpius was here.
Grunschlk: Uh, he was. He left. But there's this guy getting his brain worked on I think you'll like.
Scarran: You. In the freezer.
Grunschlk: Crap.

Skippy the Peacekeeper Pilot: C'mon, let me fly you out of here. I can do it. I've been practicing on the hidden flight simulator in Excel 97 for ages.
Scorpius: You're sure?
Skippy the Peacekeeper Pilot: Yay!

Zhaan: Come on, you know you want to come back.
Aeryn: No.
Zhaan: Be a pal.
Aeryn: No.
Zhaan: Look, you've signed a contract at least through the rest of the season. You have to come back.
Aeryn: Fine.

Crais: I've got Scorpius in my sights.
(Crais and Talyn blast PK ship out of the sky)
Crais: And he's dead now. Go me!
(Back on planet, Scorpius and Braca share a look to where Skippy was standing)
Scorpius: Twit.

Crichton: It's great to have a reason to live again.
(Door opens to reveal Scarran)
John and D'Argo: Crap! Run away! Run away!
(Aeryn appears toting D'Argo's Qualta blade and zaps the Scarran)
Crichton: Wait, aren't you dead?
Aeryn: Nope.
Crichton: 'Kay.

D'Argo: (to Chiana and Jothee) I'm so glad you two get along. And I've got a convenient nasal problem so I can't use my supersense of smell to realize what you've been doing in the kitchen all episode.

Crichton: You're alive!
Aeryn: Yep.
Crichton: So we can have sex now.
Aeryn: Nope.
Crichton: Why not?
Aeryn: Because we have to drag the angst out for half a season before we give the fans what they want.
Crichton: Why?
Aeryn: It's in our contract. Oh, and don't make any long-term plans involving Zhaan.
Crichton: Crap.
(Moya starbursts off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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This fiver was originally published on October 15, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by The Jim Henson Company. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the world they created. I don't think Jim and his muppets would mind.