Archer: We will defeat the Xindi. For Earth... and for the eighteen.
Tucker: (Um, Cap'n, we've only lost 17.)
Archer: (Aw man, really? That's no good. I can't show fallibility in front of the --)
Ensign Goosefood: GAK!
Archer: Whew! Thanks, Phlox. You're a pal.
Samus: Stole your warp coil, eh? Typical. Damn those giant praying mantises of death!
Illyian Captain: (over the comm) What? No, these were humanoids. Came from a ship called Enterprise.
Samus: Oh reeeally? Looks like my work there isn't done after all! Set a course, Adam!
Illyian Captain: Hey, uh, before you go, do you think you could spare a warp coil? ...Hello?
T'Pol: I'm not sure I trust this turnaround on Degra's part. What if it's a trick?
Archer: What would he have gained by waiting till now to turn on us?
T'Pol: He may actually be a Cat Xindi who likes to play with his food.
Archer: And with that brilliant example of logical reasoning, the day can truly begin.
Tucker: You want me to write Taylor's parents? Don't you write those letters?
Archer: I'll be honest: I wouldn't have known Taylor from a lampstand. Or Travis.
Tucker: But I'm so busy with repairs!
Archer: And Degra's going to what, show himself all this evidence? Hmm, that might actually be a timesaver. Thanks.
Phlox: Sorry, no change from last week. You're hooked on these feelings.
T'Pol: There must be something you can do!
Phlox: Well, I know one thing that might help with your stress. Commander Tucker is reasonably competent with a procedure called Vulcan neuropressure....
T'Pol: I hate you. I can do that now.
(CLANK WUNK BONK)
Archer: Flying through asteroid fields is a headache. I liked it better when it was Travis's head.
Lieutenant Sue: We're being hailed, sir. It's Degra.
Archer: Great! I'll go see him. You have the bridge... Commander.
Commander Sue: I hope Hoshi never comes back.
T'Pol: As do we all.
Sato: Well, that bouncer definitely won't be helping us. What now?
Reed: We could knock on the window to get Travis's attention.
Mysterious Sage: That would do you no good. They can't see outside.
Sato: Who are you?
Mysterious Sage: That isn't important. Come with me....
Reed: Ooo, mysterious.
Degra: Glad you could make it, Captain. I hope you didn't have any trouble.
Archer: We did, but we shared it. Speaking of which, I've got a ton of evidence to share with you, starting with this glove. Observe!
Unnamed Sloth Xindi: Seems to fit you.
Archer: ....Yes. Okay, moving right along....
T'Pol: Whereas the biconditional is equivalent to a conjunction of -- Mr. Tucker!
Tucker: Zz... wha? I wasn't sleeping! I'm listening! Raptly!
T'Pol: You've clearly had far too little sleep since the attack.
Tucker: Hey, your scintillating lunch conversation isn't exactly helping me stay awake.
T'Pol: It's logic. Because I know logic and it is fascinating to me. Fascinating, dammit!
(BOOM)
Tucker: Quick, get the fire extinguishers! Good thing I was awake to handle this, eh, T'Pol?
Kelby: You tell 'er, sir. We'd never have thought of the extinguishers ourselves.
Tucker: (mutters) That one's trouble.
Adam: The starship Enterprise is just ahead. You will recall that there are bat-Metroids aboard.
Samus: Yes, I remember.
Adam: Bat-Matroids are stronger than normal Metroids, but are still vulnerable to cold. Your Ice Missiles should work.
Samus: Let's skip the briefing for once, okay? I'm going in.
Adam: .....
Archer: These are the bodies of the Reptile Xindi we found making a bioweapon in the past.
Degra: Cold-blooded bastards!
Unnamed Sloth Xindi: Degra, your picture is in the dictionary under "gullible." Bioweapon? The past? Please.
Archer: Come with me and I'll prove it. ...Degra?
Degra: (on the comm) Yes, "gullible," he said. Go check. I'll wait.
Archer: This vial contains their biotoxin, capable of killing any human.
Unnamed Sloth Xindi: And I'm supposed to just take your word for it?
Phlox: Of course not. Hey! Crewman! Here's that painkiller you wanted!
Crewman: Thanks, Doc! (gulp)
(FOOOOOOM)
Archer: ....Phlox, remind me I have to give that speech again.
Mysterious Sage: This tavern is older than any of you know. Far beyond all the nth walls, there is a race of beings whose fictional stories take on a reality of their own. They worship three gods, and one day --
Reed: (yawn)
Sato: (slap)
Mysterious Sage: Don't worry, I'm used to it. Now one day the Esteemed Friendly God saw that some characters in those stories lacked depth and importance. Taking pity on them, he created a place where they could be together and grow as people.
Sato: The Underused Characters' Tavern.
Mysterious Sage: Yes. But his work was poisoned by the Mighty Evil God, who placed a trap on the tavern so that no one who entered could leave again. This was the last straw that turned the two gods' feud into all-out war.
Reed: Sweet!
Mysterious Sage: In the end, the force of their battle cast each into a different universe. The Evil God ended up in Andromeda's universe, and I believe the Friendly God is in yours somewhere.
Sato: But you said there were three gods.
Mysterious Sage: And that is the key. Listen closely....
Tucker: And don't get me started on that "new" show of yours! I -- you want somethin', Doc?
Phlox: Sorry to interrupt a good subordinate-thrashing, but T'Pol says you're not getting any sleep, and my cameras say it's not for a marketable reason. Go rest.
Tucker: And if I don't?
Phlox: Within six hours you will collapse, comatose or even dead from the energy drain.
Tucker: Whoa! Lack of sleep can do that?
Phlox: No, I'm going to sic one of my bat-Metroids on you.
Degra: These scans... you had a Guardian on your ship?
Phlox: That's right. I would have shown you the corpse, but it vaporized. Well, mostly. I fed what was left to my Venus sloth trap.
Unnamed Sloth Xindi: Your what?
Phlox: That giant plant in the corner that's been watching you since you came in. I think it likes you!
Unnamed Sloth Xindi: ....Captain Archer, you have won us over. Let's go talk about our next move somewhere other than in this room.
Archer: Woo! I rock at this.
Cheese Guy: All is of the cheese, and life is Swiss.
Tucker: Yep, I'm dreamin' all right. -- Hey, who's there? I keep my visions to myself!
Taylor: Relax, Mac. It's only me that wants to wrap around your dreams.
Tucker: Ahh, of corrs. I'm dreamin' about you because I'm so upset about your death.
Taylor: I'm dead? Nooooo! I thought this was some kind of psychic bond!
Tucker: Get real.
Unnamed Sloth Xindi: How can you trust this human so easily? Everything he's shown us could have been faked with thoron fields or optolythic data rods or whatever.
Degra: He also knew my unborn third child's name.
Unnamed Sloth Xindi: So? I do too. Everybody does. It's on your stationery, for Pete's sake.
Degra: Someone has to make sure you people think of the children.
Tucker: So I'm from Florida. The place you shot with your weapon. Killin' seven million people.
Degra: Florida? We aimed the project for Manhattan! Did... did those victims include....
Tucker: Children? You betcha. Know how many? Some.
Degra: NOOOOOOOOO! (runs off)
Archer: Hey! Get your act together, mister! We need his help!
Tucker: Yeah, whatever. When Churchill needed Stalin's help, did he make all nice with him?
T'Pol: Yes.
Tucker: And know where he is now? Dead.
Hull Breach: SHHHHHH
Commander Sue: Uh oh. Captain, we've got a hull breach!
Hull Breach: Hey! I said "shhh"!
Archer: And so I'm like "We'll see about THAT!" And I go get a big -- Phlox, do you smell plasma?
(BOOOOM)
Samus: Freeze!
Phlox: Samus! How've you been? I love the new look -- very organic.
Samus: Shut up! I'm here to investigate a charge of piracy! Space piracy!
Archer: Er... well, the thing is....
Phlox: Oh, don't worry, Captain. She doesn't care. She's just here to collect some powerup she couldn't get last time. Right?
Samus: No! I.... (sigh) All right, which way is E Deck again?
Tucker: We've almost fixed the hole, Cap'n. Kelby's been a big help.
Kelby: Thanks!
Tucker: (Almost too big. Hmm.....)
Kelby: YEEARGH!
Tucker: "Oops"! "Sorry" about that, Kelby!
Degra: I hope your crewman will be all right.
Tucker: Oh, stop it, you're gettin' crocodile tears all over the deck.
Degra: Do I look like a Reptilian to you?
Sato: Well, that's interesting. Now all we need is a way to communicate with the inside of the tavern without trapping ourselves.
Mysterious Sage: That won't be easy. The wards on the tavern are powerful and --
(BOOOOOOM)
Bouncer: Hey! Who just blew up all the walls?
Mysterious Sage: That... that was....
Reed: I know. Less than half the yield it should have delivered. I must have crossed a wire somewhere.
Archer: Sorry about Trip. The last year has changed us all. For example, I've gone from an explorer to the kind of guy who'd wipe your memory without a second thought. Or your thoughts without a second memory.
Degra: Who knows? If our alliance succeeds, maybe you'll be an explorer again.
Archer: ....So what you're saying is, you're going to wipe my memory back?
Samus: (morph-rolls into a hole, lands on a Chozo item)
Samus's HUD: Corbomite Bombs acquired. In morph, hold R to charge and press B to place.
Samus: Ha! This is going to be fun.
Phlox: You know, you could have gotten that item last time by bomb jumping.
Samus: I suck at that.
Tucker: The thing is, Mr. and Mrs. Taylor... your daughter died to help us save Earth. The part she saved was probably Australia. No, that's a little big... maybe Madagascar? (sigh) This is no good. Computer, stop recording.
Computer: At least you can commit. Archer just pauses me all the time.
Commander Sue: (over the comm) Tactical alert! Battlestations!
Tucker: Guess you can't call it Reed Alert, huh?
Commander Sue: Malcolm said that if I did, he'd Sue.
Degra: Crap! Reptilians!
Archer: No need to repeat yourself. We'll just hide behind a moon or something like we usually do.
T'Pol: They have already detected and targeted us.
Archer: Exactly! Let's see them blast through a moon to get us.
Mayweather: Malcolm? Hoshi? What are you doing here?
Sato: Not now, Travis. (ahem) We call upon the Downright Useless Neutral God!
Downright Useless Neutral God: What the...? Where am I?
Sato: You were trapped here without even realizing it, O impartial one. Destroy this place and free yourself!
Downright Useless Neutral God: NEUTRON BLAST!
(sound of magic breaking)
Downright Useless Neutral God: Thank you, mortals. I wish you average lifespans and middle-class prosperity. Farewell.
Reed: Wait a minute. How was that guy underused?
Mysterious Sage: Who prays to a neutral god?
Unnamed Sloth Xindi: Who, Degra? Nah, he's not here. We're just meeting with the humans to... um... threaten them. In his ship.
Reptilian Captain: Oh, really? Let's hear one of your threats.
Unnamed Sloth Xindi: "We'll blow up your planet like a balloon!"
Reptilian Captain: (forehead-smack) There's a reason you other species usually leave the threatening to us.
Archer: You've got to disable their ship, Degra! It's our only hope!
Degra: You're asking me to betray my own people! More! So yes. Gunners, fire!
(ZAP ZAP... BOOM)
Archer: You didn't need to kill them.
Degra: (shrug) In for a penny, in for a pound of flesh.
Lorne, Dr. Crusher, Glyde.EXE, Jimmy Cooper, etc.: Oof....
Mayweather: Great. Now I have to find some other interdimensional hangout. Maybe Milliways....
Sato: Wait! Travis, I'm sorry I hurt you. T'Pol was using me for some kind of revenge, and I didn't realize what I'd done till you left.
Mayweather: Does... does this mean you're taking me back?
Sato: Heck no. You're dumped like Humpty, and if you can't deal with that, it's your problem. But we can still be friends. Now c'mon back, everyone misses you.
Mayweather: Wellll... okay. Let's go save Earth!
Reed: (nudging Hoshi) So, guess that means you're single, eh, baby? --OWWW!
Tucker: (sniff)
T'Pol: Is this really necessary? (sigh) ...There, there, Commander. It will be all right for some reason.
Tucker: Thanks, T'Pol. This thing with Taylor is just remindin' me of Elizabeth, that's all.
T'Pol: I sympathize. I too have only been pretending to care that Taylor died.
Tucker: Wait a sec. Isn't sympathy an emotion?
T'Pol: Did I say "sympathize"? I meant "synchronize." My chronometer reads 1843 hours -- and yours?
Degra: We'll meet again at these coordinates so I can bring you before the Council. Be there in two days, and have an adventure on the way.
Archer: It's what we do. TTFN.
Degra: Tell The Fools Nothing to you too. Can't be too careful.
Samus: Tell your captain I'll be watching him. He's lucky I have pressing business elsewhere right now.
Phlox: (over the comm) Heh heh. "Pressing business." You just want to go blow up all the Corbomite Bomb blocks you've seen so far.
Adam: Rather astute, isn't he, Lady?
Samus: Oh, mute yourself.
Tucker: ....and that's how your daughter's death got me a hug from a much hotter woman. Yours truly, Charles Tucker III. End recording.
Mayweather: I think they'll like it.
Tucker: Travis! Welcome back. Hoshi and Malcolm okay?
Mayweather: Mostly, but Mal's not happy about missing the armoured babe again. Listen, I gotta tell you something about T'Pol....
Tucker: Sure. But first I wanna hear how you got out this time! Wits? Violence? Seducing a waitress?
Mayweather: Apparently it was thanks to a mysterious sage. We never did get his name....
Xander: I am gonna kill Spike for recommending that place.
Giles: Yes, we're all going to kill Spike for one reason or another.
Dawn: Thanks for getting us out, Giles! (hug)
Anya: You know, mysterious sage is a good look for you. Better than stodgy old librarian in tweed.
Dawn: Or unemployed hat-wearing layabout.
Xander: And let's not forget angsty coffeehouse guitarist.
Giles: You can all thank me by shutting up.
(The gang return to the Buffyverse at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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