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Previously on Doctor Who: We killed off the Doctor, traumatizing millions. Bwahahahaha!
Second Doctor: Hello, I'm the Doctor.
Ben: Are not.
Doctor: Am too. I've metamorphosed, like a butterfly, or Madonna.
Ben: Look, the old Doctor's ring doesn't even fit on your scrawny little finger!
Doctor: Ah, but only if I had changed my form, would I now not be able to wear the ring. So my not being able to wear the Doctor's ring proves that I am the Doctor. QED!
Ben: That's the most convoluted rubbish I've ever heard. Maybe you really are the Doctor.
Polly: Now we'll get some clues about what the new Doctor's personality will be. What do you think, Ben? Cautious and dignified, or reckless and irreverent?
Doctor: We've just landed in a poisonous swamp full of hissing pools of toxic mercury.
Ben: And?
Doctor: Sounds like fun! Who's up for a swim?
Ben: I'm guessing it's not the "cautious and dignified" one.
Earth Examiner: Geez, I hate hissing pools of toxic mercury. Why did they have to stick the spaceport so far out from the colony?
Mysterious Assailant: So we can easily dispense with strangers who complain too much.
Earth Examiner: Now that's just stup-- GAK!
Mysterious Assailant: Some people can't take a hint.
Doctor: Look, a dead body! Hoopy! And he's wearing some sort of badge.
Ben: "Examiner Badge. Bearer is entitled to complete access to all backstage areas, and to be treated at face value without any inquiry. Requires five red mana and two mana of any type."
Doctor: Sounds useful. I think I'll nick it.
Ben: Great, the new Doctor is crazy and a klepto. The only thing left is for him to start playing some sort of musical instrument.
Polly: That would be upsetting.
Lesterson: Keeping track of incidental characters sucks. Who am I supposed to be, anyway?
Janley: You're the colony's scientist, Dr. Lesterson. I'm your lovely assistant.
Lesterson: Got it. So am I the kindly, brilliant, iconoclastic, K9-inventing sort of Doctor Who scientist?
Janley: No, I'm afraid you're the misguided, myopic, causing-the-death-of-the-whole-colony sort. Bad luck.
Lesterson: I really need to have a word with my agent.
Bragen: Hello, I'm the officious head of security. And you are?
Doctor: I believe this will explain everything.
Bragen: "Milk, Honey-Nut Cheerios, salad stuff, Diet Pepsi"?
Doctor: No, no, no, not that one, this one.
Bragen: Ah. Welcome, Examiner. Wait -- are you sure you have seven mana to tap?
Doctor: Please. I have thirty-four hundred land cards in play.
Quinn: Hi, I'm the Deputy Governor. I'm expendable in the tug of war between the security guy and the Governor, so I'll probably be in jail soon.
Bragen: Right now, in fact. Mr. Quinn, I hereby charge you with murdering the curiously badgeless stranger in the mercury swamp.
Quinn: Discrimination! Don't think I won't report you to the Redundant Bureaucrats' Union!
Bragen: As if I didn't hear that every day.
Lesterson: Governor, I've discovered the end of all our problems. Look!
Governor: At what? This giant salt shaker with a sink plunger stuck on it?
Lesterson: It's some sort of robot. I call it a Dalek.
Governor: Clever name--excellent merchandizing potential. What does it do?
Lesterson: Watch. (ahem) Dalek, what is your mission?
Dalek: EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!
Lesterson: See! Our vermin problems are over. The mice and roaches won't stand a chance!
Dalek: YES, VERMIN. THAT'S WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. (snicker)
Governor: Amazing. Where'd you get it from, anyway?
Lesterson: Oh, I ordered three of 'em off this great web site -- trojanhorse.co.skaro.
Doctor: Hello, every-- Great gravy! A Dalek!
Dalek: HELLO, DOCTOR.
Doctor: Hello, Squid-for-brains.
Ben: Sorry I doubted you, Doctor. The evil machine says you're the real Doctor, so it must be true.
Governor: So, Dr. Earth Examiner, what do you think of our new toy?
Doctor: It's a menace! Give me one good reason why it shouldn't be destroyed immediately!
Lesterson: Well, its death-ray appendage is perfect for crisping up a cr�me brulee.
Doctor: Those people are Grade A idiots.
Ben: Too right. Let's blow this banana stand before we're all killed. Because after would be messy.
Doctor: Banana stand -- that's it! Daleks are allergic to bananas!
Polly: Wait, Doctor, where are you going? (sigh) I'm allergic to running up corridors.
Ben: Boy, did you ever join the wrong show.
Bragen: Governor, I believe that Deputy Governor Quinn murdered the badgeless stranger in order to give me a pretext for arresting him and taking over his job.
Governor: Diabolical ingenuity!
Quinn: Wait! Why would I do that?
Bragen: Don't ask me to plumb the depths of a diseased mind.
Governor: Take him away. Oh, and Bragen, you're Deputy Governor now.
Bragen: Thanks. Looks like your fiendish plan worked, Quinn!
Lesterson: What are you doing?
Doctor: Well, I'm certainly not trying to force this Dalek to eat a banana.
Lesterson: Uh huh.
Doctor: I don't want to fight anymore, Lesterson. Can't we be friends?
Lesterson: Will you keep trying to feed my Dalek bananas?
Doctor: Yes.
Lesterson: Then, no.
Janley: What are we going to do today, Bragen?
Bragen: Same thing we do every day, Janley -- try to take over the colony. Did you bring the Dalek's laser gun?
Janley: Here. It's got 16 settings. Right now it's on "frapp�."
Bragen: Great. So your job is to use this Dalek gun to lead a rebellion against the Governor, which I'll crush, making me powerful enough to take over.
Janley: Hmm, that leaves me at the head of a crushed rebellion.
Bragen: I promise you'll be safe. And if you can't trust a fellow traitor, who can you trust?
Janley: Good point.
Dalek: I CAN BUILD YOU AN ICE CREAM MACHINE BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS.
Lesterson: Really? Sweet!
Dalek: JUST BRING ME THE MATERIALS.
Lesterson: What will you need?
Dalek: LET'S SEE... GELIGNITE, GUNPOWDER, SOME C4, LARGE QUANTITIES OF TNT...
Lesterson: I'll go get it now! (hurries off)
Dalek: (SIGH) HUMANS DESERVE TO BE EXTERMINATED.
Ben: Where's Polly? And why are we back at the lab?
Doctor: Lesterson's gone. Now's our chance to deactivate that Dalek.
Dalek: HALT!
Doctor: Pfft, it's not armed. Its laser gun is missing. Attack!
Two New Daleks: BUT OURS AREN'T.
Doctor: Ooops. Run away! Run away!
Polly: Excuse me, have you seen the Doc-- I mean, the Earth Examiner? We all got separated somehow for no good reason.
Janley: Why, yes. Just turn that corner and go through the door marked "Hostages' Waiting Room."
Polly: Thanks.
Lesterson: Here's all the stuff you asked for.
Dalek: THANK YOU. NOW BRING ME THIS LIST OF MATERIALS.
Lesterson: Wow, you could build a whole Dalek army with this.
Dalek: (*cough*) THAT'S ABSURD. IT WILL BE USED TO BUILD...
Lesterson: Yes?
Dalek: MORE ICE CREAM MACHINES!
Lesterson: Phew, I was getting suspicious for a minute there.
Bragen: You're not the real Examiner. I know because the real one has a tattoo just above where I shot -- I mean, I'm just guessing.
Doctor: What do you want?
Bragen: Just leave the Daleks alone or I'll expose you! Oh, and someone else, not me, left you this note.
Ben: "We have Polly. Leave the Daleks alone."
Doctor: Hmmm. Ben, I think these people are trying to tell us something.
Ben: These Daleks getting the run of the place creeps me out. There's one around every-- GAH!
Dalek: DAIQUIRI, DOCTOR?
Doctor: No thank you. Keep walking, Ben. The important thing to remember is --
Another Dalek: CRAB PUFF?
Doctor: No, thanks! -- is that even though they're pretending to be nice, they're really --
Third Dalek: CHICKEN SATAY?
Doctor: Go away! -- really evil killing machines who want to --
Fourth Dalek: MINT?
Doctor: For the fourth time, no! Wait -- fourth time? Weren't there only three before? Ben?
Ben: Mmm, this chicken satay is delicious.
Doctor: Lesterson, the Daleks are reproducing!
Lesterson: Nonsense, they haven't even got any naughty bits.
Janley: This meeting of Let's Eliminate Governor Stupid is called to order. Look what we got!
Rebels: A Dalek! And it's armed! We're scared!
Janley: But I control it! It almost always does exactly what I tell it.
Rebels: Oh, that's better.
Janley: It will fire only on the Governor's troops, not on us. Isn't that right, Dalek?
Dalek: WHATEVER YOU SAY, LADY. TRUFFLE?
Janley: Don't mind if I do.
Governor: Well, I'm back from the Outer Boroughs. Did I miss anything?
Bragen: Yes, there's been a coup.
Governor: Really? When did that happen?
Bragen: What time is it now?
Governor: I refuse to go along.
Bragen: Suits me. Dalek, exterminate!
Dalek: EVERYONE? ABOUT TIME!
Bragen: No no no, just him.
Dalek: NUTS.
First Dalek: THE HUMANS ARE FIGHTING EACH OTHER. NOW'S OUR CHANCE!
Second Dalek: YES! KILL! CRUSH! DESTROY!
Third Dalek: MAYHEM! ANNIHILATION!
Fourth Dalek: SHRIMP COCKTAIL AND ARTICHOKE HEARTS FOR ALL!
Second Dalek: (ahem) SOMEONE TELL FRANK WE WERE ONLY PRETENDING TO BE CATER WAITERS.
Third Dalek: YEAH, GET A CLUE, FRANK.
Fourth Dalek: SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M GOING HOME.
Janley: Now, Dalek, the Governor's troops are in the red uniforms. Go to it!
Rebel: GAK!
Janley: You idiot, that was a blue uniform! What are you, color-blind?
Dalek: UM, SURE. TELL YOU WHAT, SINCE I CAN'T TELL, I'D BETTER KILL EVERYBODY. JUST TO BE SAFE.
Janley: Well, that seems pretty reasonab-- wait a minute.
Polly: Doctor, the Daleks are killing everyone! Wait, wasn't I being held hostage?
Doctor: Yes, but it didn't matter. There's a lot of padding in these six-parters.
Ben: Like this scene, for instance.
Polly: Well, at least we're not running up corridors.
Ben: Only a matter of time.
Bragen: (over the comm) This is the new Governor speaking. I'd like to thank the Daleks for helping me restore order to the colony. Now, er, if you wouldn't mind just holding off a little on the slaughter so there's a few people left for me to govern, that would be great.
Lesterson: Doctor... there you are... Isn't it wonderful? The Daleks excel us at ruthlessness and food service...
Ben: He's gone nuts.
Doctor: Nuts... bananas... That's it! That Dalek offered me a daiquiri -- c'mon, everyone! To the Dalek kitchens!
Doctor: As I thought! Because they're allergic to bananas, they built an automated banana daiquiri machine. All we have to do is switch it on and flood the colony.
Polly: Mmmm, yummy. (hic!)
Doctor: Hey, no sampling!
Ben: Well done, Doctor. You managed to save the colony just in time for there to be practically no survivors.
Doctor: Clever, that. Not everyone could have done it.
Ben: Oh, you're definitely the Doctor, all right. I don't know how I could have doubted.
(Ben and Polly try to wash the daiquiri smell out of their clothes at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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