Doctor: The Dalek fleet are shooting missiles at us.
Jack: Relax, I used the Whatever Technology we stole two episodes ago to generate a technobabble field around the TARDIS.
Doctor: Look, American Dude, if you're going to ride with me we need to get one thing straight. "Technobabble" is the Trek term. We call it "bafflegab."
Jack: My bad.
Doctor: And start putting "u"s in things!
Jack: Yes, Doctour.
Dalek #1: COMMENCE TELLING US WHAT THE DOCTOR IS THINKING.
Rose: Well, mostly he thinks about this crazy web site where all these nerds write five-minute parodies of stuff. I'll give you a sample --
Dalek #1: DISCONTINUE! DISCONTINUE!
Dalek #2: LOOK! THE TARDIS IS MATERIALIZING AROUND THE HOSTAGE! DO SOMETHING, NUMBER ONE!
Dalek #1: RED ALERT! SHIELDS UP!
Dalek #2: YOU ARE COMPLETELY USELESS.
Doctor: The Daleks survived the Time War after all. The Time Lords died for nothing.
Rose: That would make the Time War a ... waste of time, right? Get it? Waste of time?
Doctor: Sorry, why did I rescue you again?
Doctor: You Daleks suck. I'm going to kick your cans. You know what they call me in Dalek legends?
Dalek #1: "THE SCENERY CHEWER"? "MICKEY MOUSE EARS"?
Doctor: Besides that.
Emperor Dalek: HELLO DOCTOR. HOW DO YOU LIKE MY HALF-HUMAN DALEKS?
Doctor: Half-human? That's disgusting.
Emperor Dalek: BUT ACCORDING TO THE DOCTOR WHO MOVIE, YOU'RE HALF-HUMAN.
Doctor: Don't confuse me with continuity!
Emperor Dalek: I CREATED THE DALEKS! I AM GOD! ALL DALEKS SHALL KNEEL BEFORE ME!
Doctor: Psst, Daleks can't kneel.
Emperor Dalek: WOBBLE, THEN. ALL DALEKS SHALL WOBBLE BEFORE ME! BWAHAHAH!
Doctor: Wow, megalomania, delusions of deity, and motiveless destruction. All that's missing is a goatee of evil.
Emperor Dalek: IT'S NOT MY FAULT MY FACIAL HAIR IS WISPY!
Doctor: Let's go. The Daleks are going to attack the space station and then Earth.
Jack: Did you find out how they survived?
Doctor: They've been grinding up humans ejected from the reality shows to make new Dalek tissue.
Jack: You mean --
Doctor: Yes. The Daleks ... are made of Spam.
Doctor: I'm back. What's up?
Programmer: Well, not long after you went to visit the Dalek battleships, they all started heading straight for us.
Doctor: Exactly according to my plan.
Programmer: Does that plan involve us humans surviving the Dalek onslaught in any way?
Doctor: Erm, not at the moment, no. I'll keep you posted.
Doctor: I'm going to set up a massive delta radiation wave. It'll fry all the Daleks.
Captain Pike: (No)
Doctor: You stay out of this.
Lynda: There's a whole crowd of cannon fodder trapped on Floor Zero --
Doctor: Yeah, whatever. Listen, I'm going to set you up here at the temp cubicle, okay? It's only Windows 98 but I'm sure you'll get by. Be sure to email me if anything important happens.
Lynda: But --
Doctor: If you're not dead by 5 o'clock I'll stop by and sign your timesheet.
Jack: I've set up a force field around the top six levels of the space station. The Daleks will have to fight their way up here.
Doctor: Great, that should cause a lot of corridor shots. Rose, what are you doing?
Rose: Just hanging out being useless.
Doctor: And I'm being smug in the face of danger I caused. (sigh) Feels just like old times.
Jack: Well, I'm off to play hero. Thanks for stirring up the hornet's nest, Doctor. Just for that, I think I'll kiss you goodbye. (smack)
Rose: Weird. I thought he was mad at you.
Doctor: He was. He totally gave me his gum.
Jack: All right, cannon fodder! Who's ready to die a gruesome death buying a few extra seconds for the Doctor to fiddle with gadgets upstairs while waffling through his ethical dilemmas?
(crickets chirp)
Programmer: You're new at this hero thing, aren't you?
Rose: So when the Doctor told me to hurry into the TARDIS and said he'd be right behind me, he was just trying to shut me up and get rid of me, right?
TARDIS: What tipped you off?
Rose: Apart from the doors slamming shut and the TARDIS taking off with me inside? Nothing much.
Holo-Doctor: Rose, if you're watching this, either I'm dead, or you pressed the wrong button. Or both.
Rose: Great, now he's haunting me.
Holo-Doctor: Remember to feed the targ. And don't worry too much about everything being your fault.
Rose: How inspiring. I'm going to find a way to go back and save his life if it kills him.
Jack: Quiet, I think they're coming...
Dalek Army: SPAM-SPAM-SPAM-SPAM SPAM-SPAM-SPAM-SPAM...
Dalek Sergeant: LOVELY SPAM, WONDERFUL SPAM!
Jack: Great, now I'm hungry.
Mickey: You're back! Rose, I love you and I hate you and --
Rose: Great gravy, I can only take two or three episodes of that a season. Just help me get the TARDIS started.
TARDIS: This station has been locked and can only be unlocked by a System Administrator.
Rose: Crap.
Jack: (over the comm) We're under attack, Doctor! Are you almost ready?
Doctor: Yes, but there's a slight problem.
Jack: (over the comm) A slight problem like you broke a nail, or a slight problem like the delta wave will wipe out the human race along with the Daleks?
Doctor: The second one. Well, both, but mainly the second one.
Anne Droid: You are the weakest link. Goodbye.
Daleks: GAK!
Other Daleks: EXTERMINATE!
Anne Droid: GAK!
The Thing: It's clobberin' time!
(crickets chirp)
The Thing: What? Isn't this "Catch Phrase Showdown"? ... Man, I can't catch a break.
(shuffles off)
Rose: I have to save the Doctor.
Jackie: Meh.
Rose: My dad wouldn't have given up.
Jackie: Your dad gave up so many times, he had no "up" left and he had starting giving down. And then he ran out of duck feathers and had to start giving up again.
Dalek Army: SPAM-SPAM-SPAM-SPAM SPAM-SPAM-SPAM-SPAM...
Defenders: GAK!
Jack: Man, that really gets to you. I wonder if there's any baked beans on this station?
Lynda: Well, this isn't so bad. The Dalek screen saver on that big monitor is a little creepy though.
Rose: Weird. I keep seeing the words "Bad Wolf" everywhere I go. Maybe I'm going crazy.
Mickey: You're fine.
Rose: Well... If there's nothing wrong with me -- there must be something wrong with the universe!
Mickey: I take it back. With logic like that, you must be crazy.
Male Programmer: Wanna have a romantic subplot?
Female Programmer: Too late. GAK!
Male Programmer: Bummer. GAK!
Dalek: (outside window) -------------!
Lynda: Sorry, can't hear you. What?
Dalek: (exploding window) I SAID, "EXTERMINATE"!
Lynda: All right, you don't have to shout. GAK!
Rose: Wait -- that's it! "Bad Wolf" -- it's a message to me, written across time and space!
Mickey: Man, I forgot just how conceited you are.
Rose: Pfft. Am I right, TARDIS? Is that the password?
TARDIS: Access granted. Stand still while I shove the entire space-time vortex into your eyes.
Rose: What the --! Geez, you couldn't just unlock the steering wheel for me?
Jack: Behold my heroic last stand!
Dalek Army: SPAM-SPAM-SPAM-SPAM SPAM-SPAM-SPAM-SPAM...
Jack: That's really making me hungry.
Dalek: YOU CAN HAVE CAKE OR DEATH.
Jack: Cake please.
Dalek: SORRY, WE'RE OUT OF CAKE. EXTERMINATE!
Jack: Nuts. GAK!
Dalek: WE'RE ALSO OUT OF NUTS.
Doctor: I finished the delta wave transmitter.
Emperor Dalek: (over the comm) GOOD, YOU CAN BECOME JUST LIKE ME. DOCTOR WORLD-KILLER, DESTROYER OF THE HUMAN RACE!
Doctor: Really? Will they call me that? Sweet!
Emperor Dalek: (over the comm) I WAS GOING FOR BITTER IRONY THERE.
Doctor: Ah. Totally didn't get that.
TARDIS: Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Rose Tyler!
Rose: (emerging from smoke and lights) Stop! In the name of love!
Doctor: What's going on?
Rose: Ain't to proud to beg. I want you back.
Doctor: Ain't that peculiar.
Doctor: So in order to come back and save me, you absorbed all of space and time? Talk about overkill.
Rose: But with the vortex inside me I can do anything... anything! Bring back the dead... disperse CGI pixels...
Jack: !KAG
Dalek Army: ...SPAM-SPAM-SPAM GAAAAAAK!
Doctor: Oh yeah? Then fix this episode so it makes even a molecule of sense. Go ahead.
Rose: Okay. Almost anything.
Doctor: Rose, the vortex is killing you. I need to take it into me so I can disperse it.
Rose: How are you going to do that?
Doctor: Er, kissing you should do it.
Rose: Of course. Men think that's the solution to everything.
Doctor: Well it is! I'll show you... (smack)
Rose: Ew. Did you have to give me Jack's gum?
Jack: Hey, wait for me!
TARDIS: Ha ha! Enjoy being trapped on the station with hundreds of dead bodies. See you next year! (vwoorp vwoorp vwoop)
Jack: You totally suck.
Doctor: Because I had the vortex in me, every cell of my body is dying.
Rose: You had it for five minutes. I had it for an hour. Why am I okay and you're dying?
Doctor: Just for that I'm going to regenerate into a Scotsman who grins like a loon.
Rose: No -- not that! I take it back!
Ninth Doctor: Time to punch out. Gotta get back to my soaring movie career.
Rose: Fantastic.
Ninth Doctor: Fine, see if I bring you in for Gone in 60 Seconds II. GAK!
(FLASH!)
Rose: Too bad my reaction shots were filmed in advance, because I have a bad feeling something horrifying is happening now.
Tenth Doctor: That's probably because I'm grinning like a loon.
(The prerecorded Rose projects anxiety about the new Doctor at Ludicrous Speed)
TO BE CONTINUED....
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