Com Lady: Wakey wakey, gamer captain!
Captain: Woohoo, promotion from last time!
Com Lady: Wrong. You're a different officer. You've come with the United Earth Directorate to invade Braxis and --
Captain: This sounds complicated.
Com Lady: Just listen to Admiral DuGalle's proclamation. It'll clear some things up.
DuGalle: A lot of you have expressed concern that our "Invade other Terrans to save them" policy is hypocritical and complicated. To this I say simply "Meh".
Stukov: What an excellent indoctrin, er, proclamation. Any thoughts, Captain?
Captain: Meh.
Duran: Hey, you look like you could use some help there.
Captain: Grr... lousy inability to make anything other than marines in this level....
Stukov: Who are you, anyway?
Duran: I'm Samir Duran. But my friends call me Che. Like the beret?
Stukov: No.
Duran: Pfft. Some Russian you are....
Stukov: Hey, I resemble that remark! Are you gonna join us or not?
Duran: Only if you'll buy my militia's sugar at inflated prices.
Stukov: Deal!
Dominion Command Center: Boom!
DuGalle: Congratulations. Operation Dominion Freedom has been a complete success!
Captain: Um, okay.
DuGalle: Now, your next mission is an invasion of the Dylarian shipyards. We must commandeer battlecruisers there, and --
Captain: Um... wouldn't it be easier to make our own?
DuGalle: Of course it would. Have fun, DuGalle out.
Captain: Nuts.
Captain: Okay, that's eighteen.
General Duke: Yo. Just what do you think you're doing?
Captain: Uh... stealing ships?
Duke: You need a permit for that. I'll have to see some I.D.
Captain: How about these Yamayto guns?
Duke: You mean Yamato?
Captain: Meh, yamayto/yamato. Either way, your @$$ is going down.
Com Lady: General Duke has retreated.
DuGalle: Scans are showing the signal of a Psi disruptor.
Duran: I bet it's the fabled Lost Psi Disruptor of Tarsonis! With the sacred power to disrupt all Zerg communications.
Captain: Oh, please. If I wanted to play an RPG I'd pop in Warcraft III.
Duran: This is very serious. If you plan to enslave the Overmind, we must destroy this device before others can find it.
Captain: Wait a sec, wasn't the Overmind destroyed in episodes III and IV?
DuGalle: It's not important. Even if it weren't, our plan is too maniacal to work. Right, Stukov?
Stukov: MuahahaHAHAHA --
DuGalle: Right.
DuGalle: So, you got that Psi disruptor destroyed?
Captain: Uh, Stukov said he'd take care of it.
Stukov: MuahaHAHA --
DuGalle: Excellent. We will now begin our attack on Korhol. The desert planet. There you will either destroy the physics labs or the nuclear silos.
Captain: Can't you give a more decisive order than that?
DuGalle: Of course I can. DuGalle out.
Captain: That guy is really getting on my nerves.
Duran: Relax. At least he's not surrendering left and right.
DuGalle: I heard that! And for the record, the French only surrender left.
Duran: I stand corrected.
DuGalle: Alright, let's get down to business and kill Emperor Mengsk already.
Captain: Um, the emperor? That doesn't sound too easy.
DuGalle: Relax. All we've got to do is turn your dad against him.
Captain: But that might kill him!
DuGalle: The ends justify the means. Besides, that way your dad won't die a bastard.
Captain: Hey!
Mengsk: I'm afraid my command center will be quite operational when your petty fleet arrives....
Mengsk's Command Center: KABOOM!
Mengsk: Crap.
Raynor: Quick, Emperor -- Into the Protoss advanced wonky voodoo teleporters!
Captain: Jeez, you don't even like Emperor Mengsk. You're just rescuing him so you have something to do in every episode.
Raynor: Yeah, pretty much.
DuGalle: Nuts, he escaped! Curse your dad!
Captain: Leave my dad out of this!
DuGalle: Fine. Just destroy Raynor's command center and be done with them both.
Captain: (sigh) Why do I have the feeling this won't work either?
Stukov: Hooray! The command center is destroyed!
Captain: And what about that massive Zerg fleet swarming in on Duran?
Stukov: Meh.
Com Lady: Detecting Vice Admiral Stukov on Braxis, sir.
DuGalle: Impossible!
Duran: It appears he has betrayed you.
DuGalle: Impossible!
Com Lady: Detecting Vice Admiral Stukov inside the Psi Disruptor.
DuGalle: Impossible!
Com Lady: He's aiming it at you.
DuGalle: Impossible!
Duran: I submit that DuGalle has been replaced by a clone with a single-word vocabulary. Let's just go in and kill Stukov already.
Captain: Agreed.
Stukov: Don't kill me! I'm not the real trai-- GAK!
Duran: Heheheh (runs)
DuGalle: Impossible!
Stukov: Uh... I've just been killed by Duran, while trying to activate our only real defense against the Zerg.
DuGalle: By golly, you're right! It IS our only hope against the Zerg! We only said so four times! How could we be so blind?
Stukov: Just avenge me already. There's only so long a dying man can talk before he finally croaks.
DuGalle: Good point, Trinity.
Captain: Say, look at all those Zerg that are about to swarm my troops. And that countdown that suggests this thing's gonna blow up.
DuGalle: I conclude that Duran was an infested Terran spy all along!
Captain: You do that. I'm just gonna get myself out of this mess and stop the countdown.
DuGalle: Okay.
Psi Disruptor: Not "Kaboom"!
Captain: Hooray!
DuGalle: Good work. It appears the Zerg forces are in disarray.
Captain: That means this last level will be a breeze, right?
DuGalle: I wouldn't count on it. You better hope for a cow level.
Captain: There is no cow level....
DuGalle: Exactly.
Captain: Aha! Gotcha!
The Overmind: Crap.
Captain: Shouldn't you be called "The Overmind III" or something?
The Overmind: Nah. My middle name is different than the Overmind before me. Just call me "The W Overmind".
DuGalle: As a French guy, I resent that for some reason.
Duran: Hi. By the way, I was a Zerg spy.
Captain: I still don't think that makes much sense....
DuGalle: You're just jealous 'cause I guessed it first.
Kerrigan: Ah, Admiral DuGalle. I, er, need that overmind back. Now.
Captain: (GASP) You didn't capitalize "overmind"!
Kerrigan: Meh, I'm Kerrigan. It's okay if I use the overmind's name in vain.
Broadcast: The United Earth Directorate rocks! The Zerg are all but defeated! Two plus two equals five!
Captain: Do we have to listen to this terrible propaganda?
DuGalle: You're right, it is terrible. I wish I had a gun and a single bullet.
Captain: Easy there -- it's not THAT bad....
(DuGalle goes all "depressing French stereotype" on us at Ludicrous Speed)
TO BE CONTINUED....
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