Gamer: Um... hi?
Advisor: Hello, I'll be your borg queen look-alike for the duration of this episode. Any questions Magistrate?
Gamer/Magistrate: Sweet! I'm a Magistrate! That sounds important! What can I do?
Advisor: You can... er... build three supply depots and a gas refinery.
Magistrate: That's boring. Where are the explosions?
Advisor: Er... that's what the gas is for.
Magistrate: Sweet!
Magistrate: Alright, I built your stuff. What now?
Advisor: How about training some marines?
Magistrate: How about I kick you in the neck?
Advisor: Negative; my neck and all body parts below it are no longer attached to my head.
Magistrate: I suspected as much.
Raynor: Hi, I'm Jim Raynor.
Zerg-Infested Command Center: Hi, I'm gross.
Marines: Ew, gross! FIRE!
Magistrate: Woohoo! Finally, some explosions.
General Duke: You're fired. Also, you two are under arrest.
Raynor: For what?
Duke: You destroyed a Terran Command Center.
Raynor: But it was infested by the Zerg!
Duke: So? Your bag was infested by heroin.
Raynor: That's not true, you put that there!
Duke: And the Zerg put the Zerg there. But I'm still blaming you.
Raynor and Magistrate: Crap.
Advisor: Um.... All your dudes are dying.
Magistrate: Crap again. Is there anyone who can help us?
Advisor: Only this right-wing extremist faction of wackos. Can you think of a way to appeal to them?
Magistrate: Nein, Fraulein.
Arcturus Mengsk: Say, let's be friends....
Mengsk: I'm glad you survived your last mission.
Magistrate: My mission was to survive.
Mengsk: Right. Well since we're chums now, and since you'll never be in good graces with the Confederacy again, I'm gonna start calling you "Commander."
Magistrate/Commander: Wait, isn't that a demotion?
Mengsk: Why, yes it is. Now, get into that Confederate installation over there and steal me some data discs.
Commander: Alright, I jumped yea high. Now what?
Mengsk: Now we make some friends. There's this colony in a state of open revolt -- we'll call it "Austria" -- under control of Confederate Forces.
Raynor: Hi, I'm Jim Raynor.
Commander: We know.
Raynor: Well, I'm just reminding you since I'm kinda important. So what's this about Australia?
Commander: (sigh)
Kerrigan: Hi, I'm psychic. Also, experimental. Also, angsty.
Raynor: Hi, I'm --
Kerrigan: I know already. I'm psychic, remember?
Raynor: Say, would you like to go --
Kerrigan: No.
Duke: AHHH!
Norad II: KA-BOOM!
Mengsk: Good job, all. Say, remember that irritating General from before?
Raynor: Duke?
Mengsk: Yeah. Well, his ship kinda crashed, and I need you to go in, rescue him, and make him our ally.
Commander: That's an absolutely terrible idea.
Mengsk: What's that in your bag?
Raynor: Er....
Commander: We'll be right on it.
Mengsk: Alright, we've decoded those data discs and discovered plans for something called a psi emitter.
Raynor: Huh?
Kerrigan: Basically, the emitters use the same psychic frequencies as a "ghost" operative such as myself, amplified hundreds of times greater than that of a single ghost, to attract the Zerg.
Raynor: ....Huh?
Kerrigan: Look, just plant the one we've built in the Confederate base, and we won't have to do the killing ourselves.
Commander: But I like killing....
Kerrigan: Quiet, bloodthirsty gamer.
Advisor: The Zerg have destroyed the base, and the Protoss have incinerated the Zerg.
Commander: The Protoss?
Advisor: Hmm, I guess we kinda glossed over them. Don't worry, more about them later.
Duke: Hey, chums.
Raynor and Commander: Gah!
Duke: How'd you like to assault the primary Tarsonis weapons platform with me?
Commander: Gah!
Duke: You'll get to order me around....
Raynor: (Here's your chance -- order him straight into a cluster of enemy missile turrets!)
Advisor: Mission Objective #2: Duke must survive.
Raynor: Aw.
Advisor: The Zerg have destroyed Tarsonis. The Protoss are on their way to destroy the Zerg.
Commander: Wait, did we just kill a whole planet of innocent civilians?
Mengsk: Oh yeah... I kinda accidently put a psi emitter down there. Funny thing, huh?
Raynor: Something about this feels kinda wrong.
Mengsk: Oh, be quiet you two. You're the ones who were so eager to destroy everything before. Now, if the Protoss attack the Zerg, some of the Confederates might escape.
Commander: Wait a sec. We're gonna make sure every last person on that planet dies?
Mengsk: Yep.
Commander: Also, we're going to attack a second potentially hostile species without provocation?
Mengsk: Uh huh.
Commander: I dunno about this....
Mengsk: Have you ever seen how the Protoss die?
Commander: You make a compelling argument. Let's go already.
Commender: Eat blue flames, Protoss scum!
Kerrigan: (from the base) AHHH! We're being overrun by those Zerg we for some reason weren't allowed to kill!
Mengsk: (over the comm) Leave her.
Commander: Wasn't she your second in command?
Mengsk: Well she was... now she's just seconds.
Raynor: I was okay with him killing every last human on the Terran homeworld, but he's gone too far now!
Commander: She's just one girl....
Raynor: But she was hot!
Mengsk: (over the comm) Bla bla bla NEW WORLD ORDER bla bla....
Advisor: Commander, if you wish to escape the tirades of this fascist wacko, I suggest we destroy the ion cannon and fly our forces to safety.
Commander: Sounds hard.
Advisor: Of course it's hard; this is the last Terran level until Brood War.
Commander: Alright... c'mon Raynor, stop mooning Mengsk and let's go.
Ion Cannon: BOOM!
Commander: Holy crap, that thing was impossible to level!
Raynor: Did you try using a cow?
Commander: Don't be silly; there is no cow level....
Radio: Though our petty differences have long divided us, I say now let us BAND TOGETHER! Fellow Terrans, I Arcturus Mengsk --
Raynor: Do we have to listen to this crap? Can't you change stations or
something?
Commander: I would, but check out these graphics! Whim, wham KA-BOOM!
(Stuff gets blown up at Ludicrous Speed)
TO BE CONTINUED....
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