Now this is a story all about how the land of Persia nearly came to ruin! With the sultan away leading a war, his treacherous vizier Jaffar seized power...
Jaffar: By the way, if anyone hears from Prince John, tell him I want my scheme back.
He lost no time going after the sultan's beautiful daughter...
Jaffar: You have two choices, Princess: marry me or die!
Princess: Can I think it over?
Jaffar: *sigh* Is it that hard to decide?
Princess: No offense, but yeah.
Jaffar: Very well! You have one hour! Or until this hourglass runs out, whichever comes first.
Meanwhile, Jaffar's men were throwing the princess's young foreign suitor into the palace dungeon...
Prince: Ow!
Hey, you can't use that speaker credit yet. Check the manual.
Prince: ..."And death for the brave youth who might have been... PRINCE OF PERSIA." Huh.
It's okay, we'll just use something else for now.
The Man Potentially Known As Prince: I'm more worried about the de-- HEY!
The princess's only hope was that her beloved would save her before the hour ran out!
Princess: But if he doesn't make it, I'll settle for him killing Jaffar after the wedding.
You're a noble princess. You'd rather die.
Princess: Damn.
60 MINUTES
Prince: Okay! One hour to escape the dungeon and save the princess! Let's do this thi-- *falls down a pit*
59 MINUTES
Prince: Ow. Hey, I'm not dead!
Nope. When you die, you get another chance from the start of the level.
Prince: Then shouldn't the countdown be reset too?
Don't push your luck.
Prince: Okay, fair eno-- *falls down the pit again*
57 MINUTES
Prince: Whew, made it this time. Let's see what's this way...
Guard: Riffraff! Street rat!
Prince: Hey, I don't buy tha-- GAK!
56 MINUTES
And the moral is?
Prince: Don't bring nothing to a swordfight.
Yep. Try going left.
Prince: Sounds like a pla-- *falls through the floor*
55 MINUTES
And the moral is?
Prince: This palace is made of wafers and tinfoil.
Yep. Try going left *carefully*.
Prince: It would be easier if my motion were less realistic, y'know.
50 MINUTES
Sand in Hourglass: *pours*
Princess: He'd better not be expecting a kiss when he gets here. Well, maybe behind a curtain...
49 MINUTES
Prince: Hmm, a closed gate. If I know booby-trapped dungeons, there'll be a switch in the floor...
Gate: SHUNK
Prince: Score! On to the --
Gate: SLAM
Prince: Oh, there's a closing switch too. I'll just hit the open and hop the close. No problem!
45 MINUTES
Gate: SLAM
Prince: Why do my jumps have so much lag time?!
44 MINUTES
Prince: Finally, the next room! I never want to do that again! Now what are these holes f--
Floor Spikes: STAB
43 MINUTES
For future reference, you can careful-step through those safely.
Prince: Just... don't talk to me.
40 MINUTES
Sand: *keeps pouring*
Princess: I think when he gets here, I'll hide and leave a sign saying I'm in another castle.
39 MINUTES
Prince: *falls two floors* AAAAGH! I think my legs are broken!
You should drink that red potion.
Prince: The one that's just sitting out in the open? Uncapped? In a dungeon?
Trust me.
Prince: (glug glug) WHOA! That was amazing! It actually fixed my legs!
See? Perfectly safe.
Prince: But how did it -- *falls two more floors*
The tile after it, on the other hand...
Prince: Whew, managed to roll with the impact this time. And there's another potion here! Score!
Uh, that one's blue. You might want to --
(glug glug SNAP)
Prince: YAAAAAAGH! How in the damn hell did that potion BREAK my legs?!
It's strong liquor.
37 MINUTES
Prince: Aha! A sword! Somebody was pretty sloppy to leave this lying around.
Sword: They assumed the traps would kill anyone before they got here. And they were right.
Prince: Hey, I got here.
Sword: You're an undying freak.
35 MINUTES
Guard: Riffraff!
Prince: Ha! Come on, you coward! Let's see how you do now that I can defend mys-- GAK!
33 MINUTES
Guard: Riffraff!
Prince: Let's try this again. Easy does i-- GAK!
31 MINUTES
Guard: Riffraff!
Prince: Okay, this combat system is a bad joke. Why don't we make peace? As a show of good will, here are some drinks I've been collecting on my trips to get the stupid sword.
Guard: Gimme! Hey, these are blue.
Prince: Blue Hawaii. You'll love the kick.
Congratulations! You've reached Level 2!
Prince: It looks exactly the same. Well, I guess the colours are different.
It's a palace swap.
30 MINUTES
Sand: *still pouring*
Princess: Looks about half gone. I should get working on the backup plan.
What's that?
Princess: I figure I'll get Jaffar to keep me alive by telling him a suspenseful story each night and holding back the ending. I've already thought of more than ten!
You should definitely get working.
28 MINUTES
Vertical Spikes: CHOMP
Prince: GAK!
26 MINUTES
Skeleton: STAB
Prince: GAK!
24 MINUTES
Ceiling: FALL
Prince: GAK!
22 MINUTES
More Guards: IMPALE
Prince: GAK!
19 MINUTES
Dark Prince: KICK
Prince: Whoaaaaa!
Dark Prince: *wave*
17 MINUTES
Gate: *shuts on the Prince*
Prince: Hey, that can't even -- GAK!
15 MINUTES
Snakes: HISSSSSS
Prince: What? There are no -- GAK!
13 MINUTES
Metroids: SKREE
Prince: Oh, come on!
11 MINUTES
Sand Monsters: GRRR
Prince: Now you're even throwing in crap from the sequels!
Does it really matter at this point?
10 MINUTES
Sand: *yep, still pouring*
Princess: Jaffar! This hourglass is almost empty! Get one of your men to refill it!
Jaffar: Whine, whine, whine. Just turn it o--
(pause)
Jaffar: Oh, I cannot wait to see you beheaded.
6 MINUTES
Prince: *gasps for breath*
Don't stop now! Time is almost up!
Prince: I... I don't think I can make it... how many more levels?
Eight. You'll have to really hur--
Zeke: No, enough of this. Look, Prince, I'll level with you. I can't beat this game. You can't beat this game. Jordan Mechner can't beat this game. No one on the face of the Earth has ever beaten this game unassisted. It's just too damn hard.
Prince: But... but the princess...
(pause)
Prince: Wait a minute. Did you say "unassisted"?
5 MINUTES
Prince: Ha ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA! I AM IMMORTAL!
Jaffar: How did you get here so fast? No matter. I'll end you with my sword!
(One swordfight later)
Jaffar: Okay, I've ended you with my sword twelve times now! What gives?
Prince: God mode and level-warping, that's what! All I have to supply for myself is the witty banter!
Jaffar: That is such -- AAAGH!
Prince: Heh. Phenomenal cosmic power, itty-bitty living space.
Jaffar: We... we predate that movie and you damn well know it! *dies*
Prince: Princess! I'm here!
Princess: All right, guys, let's make it quick. Chop chop -- oh, it's you! You actually made it?
Prince: Secret codes, babe! None could stand up to my all-powerful Prince Megahit!
Princess: Oh, good. I've always wanted to marry a cheater.
Prince: You don't see any applications for being the wife of a veritable god?
(pause)
Princess: Kiss me, you fool!
And so this Prince and his beloved lived happily ever after.
Prince: I'll be happier after I hunt down and kill the palace architect. Wait, "this" Prince?
The game was ported to 253 other systems. Most of them have worse play control and graphics and are missing some of the cooler stuff. A couple even have more stages.
Princess: Your poor other selves! My poor other selves!
Prince: Hmm... but there are cheat codes for those systems too, right?
And so everyone lived happily ever!
THE END
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