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Captain's Log: The United Nations Starship Unity has been travelling for almost forty years and over three lightyears on its way from Earth to Alpha Centauri. Everyone on board is in stasis. You're probably asking how I can record this log if I am in stasis. Fortunately, I'm in stasis, so I can't hear you.
Tiny Little Space Rock: Hi there. How are you doing?
Unity: Pretty good. But I'm going really fast, so don't get too close.
Rock: Come on, how much damage can a little thing like me d--
Unity: (KABOOM!)
Rock: Oops. Sorry about that.
Santiago: Hi, I'm a militant individual of dubious trustworthiness.
Yang: Really? What a coincidence; me too.
Santiago: Shall we fight?
Yang: Let's.
Godwinson: I'm the ship's chaplain.
Lal: I'm the ship's doctor.
Skye: I'm the ship's hydroponics officer.
Zakharov: I'm the ship's engineer.
Morgan: I'm a rich tycoon who financed the ship and stowed away.
(Long pause)
Godwinson: I can't think of anything else to say.
Zakharov: Me neither.
Yang: Now that all seven of us faction leaders have been introduced, I think we should each take control of one of the landing pods and start a faction on Planet. It's pretty obvious that we will, because I referred to us as "faction leaders."
Lal: Don't we need the captain's permission for that?
Yang: Yep, unless he's incapacitated. Which reminds me, I'll be right back.
Yang: All right, I'm back. Now what's the vote? Shall we each start a faction?
Santiago and Morgan: Aye.
Lal, Godwinson, Skye, and Zakharov: Nay.
Yang: The ayes have it.
Godwinson: How is three more than four?
Yang: Oh, so we're supposed to be democratic now?
Captain's Log: I've just released the landing pods, but I'm afraid that I'm just allowing the fighting that has plagued humanity since the dawn of time to continue on Planet. On my ship alone there have been several fatalities already, myself included. You're probably asking how I can record this log if I'm dead. Fortunately, I'm dead, so I can't hear you.
Believing Scout: (over the comm) We have found a small landing pod that the Unity dropped before it was destroyed. Shall we explore it?
Godwinson: Yes. I wonder what it is. Maybe some new technology, or some energy credits.
Believing Scout: The pod just malfunctioned and unleashed a volcano, killing several of our units.
Godwinson: Remind me why I thought this was a good idea.
Lal: I have called you all to this council to show my vast superiority to all of you as demonstrated by the fact that I have all of your comlinks and you don't.
Santiago: Not any more, you idiot. Calling a council gives everyone all of the comlinks.
Lal: Oh, is that how it works. So, um...does anyone want to elect me leader now?
Zakharov: I wanted you to know that my forces have completed a prototype of a Recon Rover. The first units are entering service now, rendering my forces practically invincible.
Yang: You are aware, of course, that my Trained Tachyon Squads are about ten times as powerful.
Zakharov: Uh, yes, of course I know that. Now excuse me while I fire my Intelligence Minister.
Skye: Oooh, pretty.
Voice: (earthdierdre)
Skye: Yes?
Voice: (earthdierdre)
Skye: Yes?
Voice: (um, back to you we'll get after learn we some more words)
Gaian Scientist: It seems that the mindworms and the xenofungus are connected in a semi-sentient planet-wide neural network that can communicate telepathically with humans.
Skye: You're starting to sound like Zakharov. Cut the technobabble and tell me what's happening.
Gaian Scientist: Sigh. Planet thinks. Planet talks.
Skye: Oooh, pretty.
Lal: Keeping peace, keeping peace, la la la la la.
Godwinson: Peacekeeping involves stealing our technology?
Lal: Yeah. See, if someone has technology and someone else doesn't, someone might get envious and start a war, or something.
Godwinson: But, but, we're allies.
Lal: Hey, if you can't betray your friends, whom can you betray?
Godwinson: You're lucky my religion forbids revenge.
Lal: And that's exactly why I picked you.
Voice: (boo!)
Godwinson: Oh, hi.
Voice: ('hi'? that's it? don't we a crisis of faith present for you?)
Godwinson: No.
Voice: (we mean, now to choose you have between in god and in us believing, right?)
Godwinson: No.
Voice: (no fun you are. think we santiago we'll go bug)
Santiago: Miriam warned me about this. You're that Planet Mind thing, right?
Voice: (the one and only)
Santiago: Well, I thought you should know that I intend to survive, which includes killing all of the endless streams of mindworms you keep sending at me.
Voice: (none of you is any fun. think we have a growth dream we will)
Santiago: Meh.
University Scientist: It looks like the Planet Mind is about to achieve full sentience, killing us all in the process.
Zakharov: The what?
University Scientist: Sigh. The semi-sentient planet-wide telepathic neural network.
Zakharov: Oh, that. If this is Santiago's fault, I'm declaring vendetta. Or I would. Drat our lousy military.
University Scientist: Don't worry, it's in a habit of doing this. But we should do something to keep from getting killed by Planet.
Zakharov: I'm sure you'll think of something. But right now I want to go back to griping about my military.
Voice: (growth dream soon is. we sorrow of goodbye. what saying are we? very happy we are! bye-bye! bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!)
Lal: Wait! Before you go, I have something to give you.
Voice: (like a gift you mean? gifts we like. what did you in mind have?)
Lal: How does all of human history force-fed through our new psi link sound?
Voice: (useless. we...oooh, pretty)
Planet: (Your gift is well received, and we thank you. Our prior form, known to you as Voice, nearly made a dreadful mistake.)
Lal: I'm glad he didn't. She didn't. It didn't. They didn't. Whatever. Hey, you sound much smarter now.
Planet: (Yes. And that means we're much too smart to be hanging around with the likes of you. Ta-ta.)
Lal: But, but, I created you.
Planet: (Hey, if you can't betray your friends, whom can you betray?)
Lal: Miriam told you about me, didn't she?
Gaian Scientist: If we're the first faction to "ascend to transcendence," then we'll make the biggest impact on the imminent Planet Mind/Humanity merge thingy.
Skye: Oooh, pretty.
Gaian Scientist: I knew you'd say that.
Planet: Transcending, transcending, la la la la la.
Humans: Oooh, pretty.
Captain's Log: It's me again. I wanted to say that humanity hasn't done as badly as I had feared. You're probably asking how I can record this log. Shut up.
(The credits roll at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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