Five-Minute Stargate SG-1: "Point of View" by Nan [Area 51. It's dark. Lots of neat gadgets around, including the quantum mirror-thingie from "There But For The Grace of God." We see Alternate Alternate Universe Carter (long hair, civvies) and Alternate Alternate Universe Kawalsky (alive) fleeing invasion.] AltAltCarter: Okay... this isn't quite what I expected. Kawalsky: What were you expecting? AltAltCarter: Floating cloud people maybe? Guards: Hi there. Drop your weapons or we'll shoot you. A lot. Kawalsky: So much for the floaty cloud people. AltAltCarter: I'm still holding out hope. [Alternate Alternate Carter is at the SGC. O'Neill walks in.] AltAltCarter: Holy plutonium-186! Kawalsky: Hi there. O'Neill: What freaky, messed up alternate universe did you guys fall out of? Hammond: Funny you should ask... [They view a recording of AltAltCarter being interrogated.] Interrogator Guy: How much do you know about the premise of the show? AltAltCarter: Er... how does "everything" grab you? [Briefing room...] Hammond: Everyone recalls "There But For The Grace of God"? Everyone: Yep. Hammond: Okay, send in the clones--er, alternate reality-type... er... just send them in. AltAltCarter + Kawalsky: Hi there. Everyone: Whoa. Dude. Kawalsky: Jaffa? DIEDIEDIE! AltAltCarter: Ooooh, freaky hair. Carter: Your hair is freakier... freaky long, is what. O'Neill: Paging Doctor Hallam. Hammond: We stopped the Goa'uld attack. AltAltCarter: We didn't. Carter: We probably succeeded because we're different from the people in your universe. Those slight differences may have help-- AltAltCarter: So you're better than we are, are you? Is that it? Carter: I didn't mean-- AltAltCarter: Bite me. Carter: What just happened? O'Neill: I have a vague suspicion she doesn't deal with the chronic whumping as well as you do. AltAltCarter + Kawalsky: Can we stay here? Hammond: I'll get back to you. "Soon." Carter: Sorry if I offended y-- AltAltCarter: I didn't save the world, and yet despite our nearly identical nature, you did. It's a unique paradox of suckitude. You're the Lamont to my... er... Lamont. Carter: That was a bit forced. AltAltCarter: Don't argue with me, I'm rather cranky about my planet being destroyed. [AltAltCarter examines a wedding photo of her and Alternate Alternate Universe O'Neill.] AltAltCarter: Sniff. Audience: Ooooh... Shippers: [sigh] Nan: Alternate Universe. Almost forgot for a minute... not. Hammond: Well, they can stay. And yet, I feel strangely squicky about this. O'Neill: I'll go tell AltAltCarter. Even if her hair makes my brain feel funny. O'Neill: Hi there. Hey, is that a copy of The Gods Themselves by Isaac Asimov? AltAltCarter: [Sniffle.] O'Neill: Oh boy. Crying woman. Must... fight... urge... to flee...! AltAltCarter: We were married. In my universe. O'Neill: You aren't by chance a psychologist? AltAltCarter: Grade "A" astrophysics nerd. Why? O'Neill: Just making sure. AltAltCarter: I need a hug. O'Neill: Er... sure, okay. [Hug.] Shippers: [swoon] Nan: Gahh! O'Neill: Hey, a non-morose Carter. With normal hair. Carter: Er, yeah? O'Neill: I'm a little weirded out here. Carter: Yeah? Me too. Of course, it may just be I'm also sensing the other shoe about to drop. AltAltCarter: Brushing the hair extensions, brushing the hair extens-- [AltAltCarter suffers an entropic cascade failure zappy seizure.] AltAltCarter: Ouch. AltAltCarter: Ow. Ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow. This sucks. [Entropic cascade tremor seizure thing.] AltAltCarter: We can't exist in the same universe or I'll die. Like I'm not morose enough. Carter: That sound you hear is the other shoe dropping. Daniel: Hey, let's save the world. Their world. Whatever. Let's save it. Everyone: Eh? Daniel: Call the Alternate Alternate Universe Asgard. With the address thingie. Carter: But I can't make the uber-generator work again. O'Neill: Bet you could. "You" plural, that is. AltAltCarter: Hey, cool, TECHy stuff. Carter: TECH. AltAltCarter: TECH TECH. Carter: TECH TECH TECH. O'Neill: I'm just going to flee in terror while you two bond. Carter + AltAltCarter: TECH TECH TECH TECH. Kawalsky: See, the Quantum Mirror isn't like a regular dimensional browser. In fact, you have to channel surf millions of alternate universes to find the one you're looking for. Daniel: No "Favourites" folder? No "History" listing? No dimensional listings channel? Kawalsky: Actually, your last position gets wiped when you turn the mirror off, so you have to surf for it again. [pause] Daniel: This remote sucks. Kawalsky: I don't think they ever got to version 2.0. [AltAltCarter and Carter arrive with the generator.] AltAltCarter + Carter: Fixed it. O'Neill: That was fast. AltAltCarter: All we needed was the ratio of the decay rate of naquadah relative to the energy output. Carter: After calculating alcohol tolerance relative to which bridge to hang the car from, this was easy. [Pause.] Carter: I may have spent time with the engineering crowd in college. O'Neill: May? May have? Carter: All right, off you go. I packed you a lunch and semiautomatic weaponry. O'Neill: It's all... alternate-universey. Quick, shut the mirror off or those Jaffa will spot us. [Daniel turns it off.] Daniel: Um, about that... Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Apophis: {Howdy. I like your goatee.} Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Teal'c: {Howdy. I like yours.} Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Apophis: {New decree: goatees for everyone!} Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Teal'c: {That isn't the rule already?} Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Apophis: {Oh. Right.} Teal'c: Hi there. Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Teal'c: {Dude!} Teal'c: Join me and I will complete your training--I mean, we can overthrow Goa'uld. Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Teal'c: {Traitorous dog! Into the pain chamber you g--GAK!} O'Neill: Er, Teal'c? You remember the not-with-the-killing thing we talked about earlier? Teal'c: Meh. He had his chance. AltAltHammond: Ow. Ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow. Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Apophis: Speak! AltAltHammond: No! [ZAP!] AltAltHammond: Ow. Teal'c: "Lord" Apophis, I "caught" this "prisoner" while she was "escaping." AltAltCarter: You "suck." [pause] Whoa. Gold is a privilege, not a right. Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Apophis: Just for that, I'll have Teal'c torture you. I have a facial waiting. Or maybe a manicure. I told them to surprise me. [leaves] AltAltCarter: That guy wears more effeminate makeup than me.  Teal'c: He keeps the masses too afraid to joke about it. AltAltCarter: I can see why. AltAltHammond: Gahh! AltAltCarter: It's okay, the big guy here is cool like the lunar surface. Teal'c: Indeed. AltAltHammond: So you made it to the alternate universe? I'll never doubt you again. AltAltCarter: In that case I've some budget proposals waiting for your signature. But first, we save the world. Daniel: Okay, maybe this is our Earth... [Jaffa guys on the other side level their staff weapons at him.] Daniel: Ack. [switch] Okay, maybe this is our Earth... [An airman is being frogmarched by Jaffa.] Daniel: Ack. [switch] Okay, maybe this is our Earth... [Carter appears, arguing with floaty cloud people.] Daniel: Why is nothing ever easy? O'Neill: Gimme the thing. [He takes the uber-generator and begins hooking it up.] Kawalsky: So you and Carter never-- O'Neill: We all know where this is going. Moving on. Daniel: Maybe this is our Earth. [He sees Captain Carter on the other side. She recognizes him.] Daniel: Wooho--er, wait. She's a captain. Ack. [switch] Maybe this is our Earth.... AltAltCarter: Okay, plug in the things while I do the thing with the thing. Teal'c: [blank look] AltAltCarter: This universe has a lower technobabble threshold. It's a charge-mass ratio thing. Teal'c: And the gods themselves? AltAltCarter: They contend in vain. Moving on. [O'Neill flips the switch.] AltAltCarter: Yes! You rule, Teal'c. [kisses him on the cheek.] Teal'c: Take this lunch box when you go to the Asgard homeworld. They probably eat their food in coloured tablet form. Jaffa: {Halt!} AltAltCarter: Why is nothing ever easy? [Teal'c stalls the Jaffa while AltAltCarter makes a break for it--] AltAltCarter: This gonna hurt on the other si-- [--and dives through the portal. Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Apophis arrives.] Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Apophis: {I come back for my date book and look what I find! Now I have to kill you all.} Teal'c: Why is nothing ever easy? Jaffa: Put down your weapons or the kid gets it! Daniel: My youthful good looks are one thing, but I'd prefer not being referred to as "the kid". O'Neill: Why is nothing ever easy? Daniel: You killed AltAltHammond! You bast-- [ZAP!] Daniel: --ow. Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Apophis: Now, answer the quest--er, why are you waving your arms, Jaffa Guy? Jaffa Guy: Er, there's a large blip thing on this radar screen. I'd say this justifies the "running like a scared little girl" procedure. Creepy Alternate Alternate Universe Apophis: Hell yes. O'Neill: Asgard rule! [AltAltCarter teleports in.] AltAltCarter: I made new friends! And they just made Apophis' entire invasion force run away in raw animal terror! Heh heh, cool. Just wait until I teach them the fine art of being stupid and blowing things up. O'Neill: That's my Carter! ...Sorta. Kawalsky: You the man, Jack. O'Neill: No, you're the man. Kawalsky: Teal'c, you're the man. Teal'c: Indeed. AltAltCarter: Thanks, guys. O'Neill: Yeah, guys. Thanks. Daniel: Is there something wrong with your neck? Why are you gesturing with your head toward the mir--oh. Right. [Daniel and Teal'c return to Earth #1 where Carter is waiting.] AltAltCarter: I'm all sad because you're leaving. And you're dead. Sorta. [Pause.] O'Neill: So... how about those Mets? [AltAltCarter kisses O'Neill.] AltAltCarter: Almost, but not quite, entirely unlike Jack. O'Neill: Yeah. AltAltCarter: Carter looks like she'll have some kind of attack if we do that again. O'Neill: Yeah. AltAltCarter: Bye. AltAltCarter: My only consolation is the eventual restoration of my homeworld, and the protection of the Asgard. [sniff] This sucks. THE END Legal notices. You are number ### to not get those references to The Gods Themselves.