Five-Second SAW

by Zeke

Jigsaw: Let's play a game where you both die.
(two hours later)
Jigsaw: You both die. Also, I've been tricking you with clever editing. Here's what really happened.
Dr. Gordon: Huh. I kinda wish I hadn't cut off my own foot now.

Jigsaw: I trapped some people in a house, including your son. Now I'm going to play a game where they all die.
(two hours later)
Amanda: They all died. Also, here's what really happened.
Eric Matthews: Huh. I kinda wish I hadn't done the exact opposite of what Jigsaw said now.
Amanda: Yep. Have fun cutting off your own foot.

Jigsaw: Here's what really happened in the first two movies.
Amanda: Isn't this giving you a headache?
Jigsaw: Pardon? I can't hear you over the power drill boring into my skull at my own request.
(one brain operation later)
Jigsaw: Hope you liked my game about forgiveness. Now everyone dies if you kill me.
Jeff: Huh. I kinda wish I hadn't just done that.

Jigsaw: You think this is over just because I'm dead? Hell, I'm not even giving up top billing. Now here's what really happened in the last movie.
Hoffman: I kinda wish I hadn't come to this autopsy now.
Rigg: No way! After all those fake-outs, Eric is still alive!
Jigsaw: Yep. Let's play a game where he dies and I mess with your head.
Rigg: That doesn't sound like fun.
Jigsaw: Okay, you can die too.

Strohm: So that's what really happened in the last four movies!
New Jigsaw: Pardon? I can't hear you over the game we're playing where you die.
Strohm: Well... you may have won, but at least Jigsaw is gone for good!
Jigsaw: Not a problem. I have enough flashback material for the next ten movies.
Jill: And he left me a whole box of sequel hooks.
Strohm: Oh. I kinda wish I hadn't -- (CRUNCH)

Erickson: Guess what? Perez dying in IV isn't what really happened.
Perez: And I have a theory that Strohm was framed by Jigsaw's real successor... let's call him Hacksaw...
Hoffman: Let's not.
(Elsewhere)
Jigsaw: You health insurers play games where people die.
William: Yeah, it's kind of fun. YEEEEARGH!
Jill: Huh... no blood, just straw. Hey Hoffman, SURPRISE BEAR-TRAP!
Hoffman: *survives*
Jill: I kinda wish John hadn't inexplicably told me to do that.

Jigsaw: Here's what really happened in the first six movies.
Everyone: Oh, SHUT UP!

Got a comment on these five-seconders? Contact the author, Zeke.

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