The Monkey's Paw Game

[Chancellor Valium]

You do. Broad-band TV, that is! Welcome to 2.56 lines!

I wish Garrett Wang could act.

[NAHTMMM]

He could act! However, he could act so well that he could demand such a high salary that Voyager was cancelled after just eight episodes due to lack of funds, leaving Zeke with insufficient motivation to create 5MV!


I wish I could act intelligently once in a while.

[Nate the Great]

You can, but always about absolutely inconsequential things.

I wish Sonic was in Smash Brothers Brawl.

[Chancellor Valium]

He was. All the other characters found him annoying, though, and quit.

I wish I could think of a good joke more often.

[Burt]

You do, and no-one takes you seriously ever again. They can't even look at you without laughing.

I wish the next bunch of good Wii games (Mario, smash Bros) would come out...

[Chancellor Valium]

They do. Despite brilliant reviews, they're actually rubbish. Disgusted, everyone buys PS3s instead, to piss off Nintendo.

I wish there was more cake.

[Nate the Great]

There was, but it's unedible carrot cake and (ugh) marzipan.

I wish that I had a DeLorean.

[Chancellor Valium]

You do. Dotsie De Lorean, the sado-masochistic executive director of Bexhill-on-Sea.

I wish I had more inclination to get work done.

[Nate the Great]

Your wish gets granted, but it turns out that your physical (postural?) inclination is altered by mistake, making you lean to one side ALL the time.

I wish that I was the model of a modern Major General (not really, but let's see what you guys come up with).

[Burt]

Model of a Modern Major General? Nowadays? You are. And after your latest scandal involving the backhand payments, the brigadier's wife and that donkey, you are Dishonorably Discharged from the force.

I wish Piers Morgan would just.. go away.

[Chancellor Valium]

He does. He goes away to Malaga for two weeks. Unfortunately, it's the same two weeks that you are there, and, by freak coincidence, he goes to the same resort as you, and in fact, is the only other English-speaking person. He bores you to near-death for two weeks solidly.

I wish I could remember more of the words of "Verbum supernum prodiens".

[Nate the Great]

You can, but this is accomplished by rewiring your entire brain to only understand Latin.

I wish my copy of Super Smash Brothers worked.

[Chancellor Valium]

facit!

It works for the pizza place down the road.

I wish my brother hadn't damaged my copy of 2001.

[catalina_marina]

Your brother had nothing to do with damaging it. Instead it burnt down, together with your house and everything else you own.

I wish I had more time to hang around here.

[Nate the Great]

You do, but the Speed Force evens things out by making time slow down for everyone else.

I wish we had flying cars, like we were promised by all those magazine ads back in the seventies.

[NAHTMMM]

We do have flying cars, but they're feral and homicidal. Plus all their radios are stuck on the "Irritatingly Overplayed Song Of The Moment" station.


I wish KatyJane's Internet connection weren't so cruddy.

[Nate the Great]

The crud is cleaned up, but in the process the lab of the scientist next door is also cleaned up, accidentally destroying the cure for cancer that he was working on.

I wish that people everywhere would agree to interchange the definitions of driveway and parkway so that we can all get on with our lives in a slightly more logical universe.

[catalina_marina]

The definitions get interchanged. Twice for extra convenience.

I wish I could convince Canadians that they are, in fact, Americans.

[NAHTMMM]

You could, but a few letters go wrong and you actually convince them that they're Armenians.


I wish there were an eighth day of the week.

[catalina_marina]

There's an eighth day of the week, but God decided to be so lazy on that day, that he makes every puny human work for him. All day.

I wish I were tired so I'd be motivated to go to bed.