Cliffhangers: The Saga Continues

[MaverickZer0]

XD.
Yay. *quietly awaits more if it is infact coming*

[Tate]

Patience, my young apprentice, patience.
I actually have most of the next episode written. If all goes well, it should be ready sometime this week. But to tide you over, here’s a teaser that, in typical Cliffhangers fashion, has next to nothing to do with the episode itself.

Will our heroes fall to corruption?
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: If only you knew the power of the dark side.
Derek: I do. The power of the dark side is six. Two to the power of the the dark side, for example, is sixty four.
IJD: You realize that that makes no sense at all, don’t you?

Or will they beat the odds and escape with their lives?
Scooter: The odds against us are 99 to one.
Sa’ar: Never quote me the odds.
Scooter: In that case, the probability of us succeding is 1/100.
Sa’ar: Sigh.

Find out next time on Cliffhangers.

[Tate]

I'm pleased to announce Cliffhangers: The Complete Collector's Collection. Enjoy all your favorite episodes with new content, such as deleted scenes, director commentary, and an exclusive documentary; "Hanging from a cliff: The story behind Cliffhangers." Cliffhangers: The Complete Collector's Collection is available online and at many fine retailers for the low price of $9.99 ($47 Canadian).
Offer expires 9-20-2006.

Oh, and I also have a new episode. While this is the last episode I plan on writing, anyone else who wants to write one is more than welcome to.

And now, by popular demand, I present Cliffhangers, Part 10! Enjoy.

Cliffhangers, Part 10
By Tate
Previously on Cliffhangers....
Sa’ar: …wait a minute. You’re not the real Pointy Haired Jedi.
Scooter: AAAAAAA!
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: I see you are properly terrified by my tremendous dark side power.
IJD: Do your worst. You can’t frighten us.
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: Oh, I forgot to mention that cedar trees are extinct on my planet.
IJD: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
IJD: …OOOOOOOOOOOOOO—oomph!
Scooter: Finally.
Derek: You’re glad that Darth Infamous dumped us in a prison cell and left us to rot?
Scooter: Anything that makes IJD be quiet. He’s been screaming non-stop for the past two hours.
IJD: I’m sorry. It’s just that when I think of—AAH! NOOOOO…
Sa’ar: IJD! Calm down! Now I want you to sit down, take a deep breath, and think about something other than cedar. Or lack thereof.
IJD: Like what?
Sa’ar: I don’t know. Stare at the wall, or something.
IJD: Fine.
Scooter: Now that that’s taken care of, let’s figure out a way to get out of here. Any ideas?
Derek: I don’t suppose anyone has found a tricorder since the last time I asked.
Sa’ar: No, but I think I still have the fork.
Derek: Good idea. After all, that worked so well last time.
Sa’ar: Hey, it got us out of jail, didn’t it? It’s not my fault that we ran right into the courtroom.
(During this time, IJD has been staring at the wall. He notices something familiar among the graffiti. It is a crude representation of a clock, over which the number 6 has been superimposed. IJD’s face goes pale.)
IJD: AAAAAAHHH!
Scooter: Not again. Does anyone have any chloroform?
IJD: No! It’s not the cedar this time. We’ve got to get out of here!
Sa’ar: Yeah, we know that already.
IJD: You don’t understand. There’s someone else here. Someone deeply evil, someone whose very name inspires fear. It’s—
Zuke: Can you keep it down? I’m trying to get some rest here.
IJD: ZUUUUUUUUUUUKE!
Zuke: Sigh. So much for getting some rest. I don’t think I’ve seen you people before. Except…you. I never forget a face. Mr.…Newbie, isn’t it?
IJD: Actually, I go by IJD GAF now. And you should know that; I changed my name before you took over the site.
Zuke: You should know how far I’m willing to bend the truth for a good reference. Anyway, allow me to introduce myself. I’m Zeke’s evil clone, Zuke. Might I assume that you all are connected with Five-Minute Voyager, and are prisoners of Darth Infamous?
Derek: Assume what you want, Zuke. We won’t tell you anything.
Zuke: You misunderstand. I’m not your enemy; I’m a prisoner here myself.
IJD: I’ll believe that when I see it.
Zuke: You see me, don’t you? And you see that I’m inside a prison cell, don’t you?
IJD: Okay, I believe it. What are you doing here?
Zuke: It’s a long story…
Scooter: Well, in case you haven’t noticed, we’re not busy right now. In fact, we can’t do anything until we get out of here.
Zuke: And what about the readers? Don’t you care about their time?
IJD: Way to break the fourth wall, Zuke.
Derek: The narrator would have broken it eventually.
(Quiet, you.)
Derek: That’s all? You’re not going to make some sort of witty pun on my name?
(I’m out of ideas. Now SILENCE.)
Zuke: Well, I suppose I can tell you my story. But I’ll just give you the six-minute version.
Scooter: Better make it five.
Zuke: Fair enough. As you probably know, I took over your precious website several years ago.
IJD: On the first of April, as I recall.
Zuke: …Yes. I’ve often regretted choosing that date; it made it seem as though my conquest was less than serious. But serious or not, my victory was short-lived. Zeke soon took over the site once more. Then, after a year or so of plotting revenge, I was contacted by the Dark Lord of the Sith, who said he wanted to train me to use the dark side of the force.
IJD: And you accepted.
Zuke: Who wouldn’t? He spent the next year teaching me all he knew. Then I betrayed him and stole his flagship and secret base.
Scooter: Wait a minute. Aren’t you leaving something out?
Zuke: Such as?
Scooter: Don’t you have an evil clone named Zuuke?
Zuke: That is a vicious and unsubstantiated rumor. The fact that it’s a vicious and unsubstantiated rumor perpetrated by myself is no excuse for you to repeat it. NO EXCUSE, I say!
Scooter: You know, you didn’t really answer the question…
Zuke: Very observant of you. Now to continue my story: after betraying my master, I became the Dark Lord. I styled myself ‘Darth Zuke, Dark Lord of the Sixth.’ I took on an apprentice myself, and made plans to conquer the galaxy. But then…
Sa’ar: Let me guess. Your apprentice betrayed you.
Zuke: Umm…
IJD: And started calling himself ‘Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith.’
Zuke: Well…
Scooter: And put you in prison.
Zuke: I suppose you could put it that way.
Sa’ar: Ha! Didn’t you know he was going to betray you? It’s the oldest one in the book! Bad guys always betray each other.
Derek: Yeah. More than five Tisrocs in Tashbaan have died before their time because their eldest sons, enlightened princes, grew tired of waiting for their throne.
Scooter: Huh?
IJD: And you especially should have expected your apprentice to betray you because you betrayed your master.
Zuke: Look, you can stand here mocking me all day, or we can work together and get out of here. The choice is yours.
Scooter: Can’t we do both?

[Tate]

(An hour later, our heroes are out of their cell and are sneaking through a passage in the secret base.)
Sa’ar: That hour went fast. Do you guys think the narrator skipped it because he couldn’t think of a way to get us out of there?
(Silence, geological formation.)
Sa’ar: Hmmph. ‘Out of ideas’ my foot.
(SILENCE!)
Derek: Wait, do you mean that you aren’t narrating any more, Sa’ar?
Sa’ar: Nope. My turn ended back at the courtroom. I think Scooter’s been narrating since then.
Scooter: Not me.
Derek: Then who is the narrator?
Doctor Who: That’s right.
(Everyone stares at the Doctor.)
Doctor Who: I’ll go now.
Derek: Right. So where did Zuke say he was going to meet us?
Scooter: In the throne room. It’s right at the end of this corridor.
IJD: And there it is.
Derek: And there he is.
Sa’ar: And here we are.
Scooter: And here comes Darth Infamous.
Derek: Drat. I guess we’d better hide.
(They do. Darth Infamous enters the throne room, followed by several henchmen.)
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: Ah Zuke. I thought I’d find you here. What do you have to say for yourself?
Zuke: Just this: look over there! Your prisoners are escaping!
(The henchmen quickly apprehend our heroes and drag them, handcuffed, before Darth Infamous.)
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: Ahem.
(Sigh. ‘Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith.’)
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: Much better. I am impressed, Zuke. I think I’ll spare your life for now. Maybe you could even become my apprentice.
Zuke: I am grateful, master.
IJD: How could you betray us, Zuke?
Zuke: Me? I’m dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly, it’s the honest ones you have to watch out for, because you can never tell when they’re going to do something incredibly…stupid.
(Suddenly, Zuke pulls out a lightsaber and turns on his old apprentice.)
Zuke: Did you really think I’d be willing to relinquish the mantle of Dark Lord of the Sixth to the likes of you?
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: It’s ‘Dark Lord of the Sith,’ idiot. How many times to you need to be reminded of that?
(A furious lightsaber duel ensues.)
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: Uh…henchmen? A little help here?
Henchman #1: Yeah, about that…
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: Yes?
Henchman #1: You see, we used to be Zuke’s henchmen. Our henchmen contract forbids us from fighting a master, or a previous master.
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: WHAT?
Henchman #1: Look, it’s union rules. If you’re not satisfied, take it up with them.
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: (Still fighting with Zuke) If you don’t help me, you’re all fired!
Henchman #1: Good luck getting more evil henchmen after that.
Henchman #2: It looks like those two will be fighting for a while. Let’s take our break now.
Henchman #1: Good idea. I’ll pop the popcorn.
(The henchmen leave the room, as Zuke and Darth Infamous continue their duel.)
Derek: Well this is a turn for the better. Let’s get out of here now while no one is watching us.
Sa’ar: Great idea. It’s not as if we’re handcuffed.
IJD: We can still get out of here with handcuffs on. Just watch.
(IJD takes several steps, crashes into an unseen barrier, and falls to the ground.)
IJD: That force field we’re trapped in, however, may pose a problem.
Scooter: Ya think?
Zeke: Perhaps I could help with that.
Sa’ar, Scooter, Derek, and IJD: ZEKE!
Scooter: Where have you been all this time? We’ve been looking everywhere for you.
Zeke: I’ve been trying to find you. And if you’d stayed put for more than two minutes, I would have.
Derek: We’ve been prisoners for the past three hours. You don’t call that staying put?
Zeke: Bah. Details.
(After a moment, Zeke has set the captives free.)
Zeke: Quick. Let’s get out of here before those two realize you’ve escaped.
(Zeke takes off running, with the other cliffhangers close behind.)
IJD: Good to have you back, Zeke.
Zeke: Well it’s—
Scooter: That reminds me. When we get back home, I’ve got a stack of fivers for you to publish.
Derek: And we have to start planning for next year’s anniversary event.
Sa’ar: And you never replied to my email.
Zeke: You know, I was going to say that it’s good to be back.
Derek: Don’t be such a spoilsport, Zeke. At least we’re all together again, and we got out of there alive.
Zeke: Yeah, I guess you’re right. And we should be fine now, unless we run into—
Gigantic Monster: RAAARRRGGGHHH!
Zeke: …that.
Sa’ar: Skrell. We’re doomed, aren’t we?
Zeke: Yep.
All: AAAAAAHHH!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Next Time on Cliffhangers…
A memorial for heroes.
PointyHairedJedi: We are gathered here today to honour five of the best of us. Zeke, wherever you are, I want you to know that it’s been funny.
Zeke: I’m right here! And we’re NOT DEAD!
PointyHairedJedi: Yes you are.
IJD: I feel fine.
Derek: I think I’ll go for a walk.
PointyHairdJedi: You’re not fooling anyone, you know.

[mudshark]

Zuke: Mr.…Newbie, isn’t it?
IJD: Actually, I go by IJD GAF now. And you should know that; I changed my name before you took over the site.
Zuke: You should know how far I’m willing to bend the truth for a good reference.

That would be pretty far.

IJD: You don’t understand. There’s someone else here. Someone deeply evil, someone whose who’s very name inspires fear. It’s—

Someone whose who's?

Offer expires 9-20-2006.

Heeyyyy. :|

[Tate]

Originally Posted by mudshark

Someone whose who's?

Oops. Missed that.

I mean, er, typo? What typo? I don't see any typos.

[Derek]

Originally Posted by Tate

Derek: Yeah. More than five Tisrocs in Tashbaan have died before their time because their eldest sons, enlightened princes, grew tired of waiting for their throne.
Scooter: Huh?

Well, I got it.

These are great Cliffhangers, Tate.

[PointyHairedJedi]

Most terribly amusing, old bean.

[Tate]

Originally Posted by Derek

Well, I got it.

I thought you might.

I'm glad everyone seems to like the Cliffhangers.

By the way, even though no one has mentioned it, I thought people might like to know what the Latin meant in Part 9. If you highlight the text below, you can see a rough translation.

Crowd: Death to Zeke!
Zeke: Mē audīte, Ō Rōmānī. Hear me, O Romans.
Man in Crowd: What did he say?
Other Man in Crowd: I know not.
Zeke: Non hostis tuī sum. I am not your enemy.
Man in Crowd: Speak words we can understand!
Zeke: Nihil malum factīvī. I have done nothing wrong.
Other Man in Crowd: I tire of this. Let us leave him.

Enjoy.

[PointyHairedJedi]

I'm not sure what's worse - Latin nerds or MegaMan nerds.

Zeke, of course, is both.

[MaverickZer0]

Hey! I resemble that remark! *is a MegaMan nerd and proud of it*

...Yeah, okay. That may have been justified.

[Tate]

Well, I'm not a MegaMan nerd...yet.

I did, however, spend several hours in the past two days playing MegaMan 64 (the Nintendo 64 port of MegaMan Legends). I've gotten pretty far in the game, and I'm currently trying to gather enough parts to make a new weapon so I can get past the next ruins. So I suppose I'm well on my way to becoming a MegaMan nerd.

[PointyHairedJedi]

We should get one of those "Abandon All Hope" signs to hang over the door.

[GreenFire1]

Nah, not until you can name all of the weapons. I'm getting there, but I sorta gave up on MM8's weapons. I can't remember why... Probably just laziness.

[MaverickZer0]

...Nerts. I think I can name like 95% of the Battlechips, too.

Hell. I think you're officially a MegaMan nerd when you know what the Super Arrow, the Rush Marine, and the forsaken slide are.

[JVTruman]

Originally Posted by MaverickZer0

...Nerts. I think I can name like 95% of the Battlechips, too.

Hell. I think you're officially a MegaMan nerd when you know what the Super Arrow, the Rush Marine, and the forsaken slide are.

Well...
Super Arrow: Extra weapon from Star Man (MM5), you can stand on top of it. Also sometimes called 'Star Arrow' after the boss you get it from. Wasn't it called that in Network Transmission?
Rush Marine: As the name suggests, only works underwater. Otherwise, basically the same as Rush Jet, except you can't fall off. I think it was only in 3, but possibly 4. There was something that looked identical in the fifth GB game.
The slide was introduced in MM3, but I can't think of anything forsaken about it.

[MaverickZer0]

It was, but in NT it was something different, I believe. I never played that one, though.

The Rush Marine and Rush Space were almost identical. In fact, they pretty much were. So yeah.

BnG joke. Don't mind me. I love the slide.