30th Anniversary TNG Episode Discussion Marathon

[Nate the Great]

December 14th, 1992, "Chain of Command Part 1"

No fiver

The Episode

PICARD: Can I get you some coffee? Tea?
NECHAYEV: Thank you, no, Captain. I'm afraid there's no time for the usual pleasantries.

Really? Picard's team will train for days before this mission and you can't wait ten minutes? I wish they'd written Nechayev better.

NECHAYEV: The Cardassian forces which were recently withdrawn from the Bajoran sector, have been redeployed along the Federation border. They have mobilised three divisions of ground troops and their subspace communications have been increased by fifty percent. We believe that they're preparing for an incursion into Federation space.

Ugh. DS9 is about to start and they're already shooting holes in its premise? Furthermore I kinda thought that the DMZ was deliberately designed to be wider than either Neutral Zone so that any "incursion" would be signalled well in advance.

For that matter, of what use are "ground troops" if the Cardassians want to invade? Do they really think that they can spend days crossing the DMZ, drop off a few hundred troops on Bajoran worlds, and then expect them to hold said worlds for weeks until reinforcements arrive?

RIKER: Are the Cardassians ready for a war?
NECHAYEV: I didn't say war, Commander, I said incursion. Our intelligence reports suggests that they'll try to seize one of the disputed systems along the border. We think they're gambling that the Federation won't actually go to war over one system.

Yeah, that's a stupid idea. Under no circumstances can the Federation let itself lose territory without consequences. It would just be inviting the Romulans, the Breen, the Tholians, etc. to make further incursions. Nibbling away at Federation territory one system at a time can't be allowed to happen.

RIKER: Admiral, with all due respect, it's not necessary to give Captain Jellico command of the Enterprise just to conduct a negotiation.
NECHAYEV: I disagree. The Enterprise will be in a dangerous situation and I want someone on the Bridge who has a great deal of experience with the Cardassians. No offence, Commander, but that's not you.

So assign him as a negotiator, you don't need to give him command. Duh.

RIKER: Welcome aboard, sir. I'm Commander
JELLICO: William T. Riker. Class of fifty seven, graduated eighth in his class.

In 2357 Riker was 22. At least someone did the math.

JELLICO: It caught me by surprise too. I must admit, I miss the Cairo already. But a Galaxy class ship, that's something special. I can understand why you turned down a ship of your own to remain aboard.

Yeah, that's not why Riker is staying. Talk about superficial.

JELLICO: How many duty watches does the crew stand?
RIKER: We've a standard three shift rotation.
JELLICO: I'd like to change that to four starting tonight. I'd also like to examine the duty roster and the crew evaluations as soon as possible. I want readiness reports from each department head by fourteen hundred hours, and a meeting of the senior staff at fifteen hundred. Do you prefer Will or William?

Ugh, I hate this cliched tripe. Changing everything as soon as you arrive in order to make the viewer not like you is lazy writing.

JELLICO: Where are my quarters, Will?
RIKER: We have you assigned to cabin seven thirty five. Deck si
JELLICO: Deck seven. I'll see you at thirteen hundred hours.

Picard's quarters are on Deck 9, the rest of the senior staff stays on Deck 8. I suddenly wonder if Picard's quarters are at the front of the ship just above Ten Forward, to have the best view.

RIKER: There is no delta shift yet, sir. I have spoken to the department heads about changing from three shifts to four, and they assure me it's going to cause us significant personnel problems.
JELLICO: So you have not changed the watch rotation.

Yeah, Riker dropped the ball on this one. For something this minor you do it, then complain later.

JELLICO: I want you to install a bypass between the main phaser array and the secondary generators. I also want to run the main deflector pathway through the warp power grid and the auxiliary conduits through the lateral relays. You may have to reconfigure the transfer interface.

This stuff hasn't been done yet? After Wolf 359 you'd think modifying the ship to allow full engine power through the shields or the phasers would be Priority One.

JELLICO: I'm aware of your current design system. It's not good enough. If these negotiations fail, we could find ourselves in a war zone and if that happens I want to be loaded for bear.

I sorta thought that the Enterprise was already the best-armed ship in the fleet. Jellico should be trying to think of how to stop a war before it happens, not how to win it after it happens.

JELLICO: Good. Now these stations should be devoted to damage control and weapons status from now on. See that they're manned at all times.

Presumably he's talking about the two Science stations. That's not what they're for! Come to think of it, how come they don't use the Battle Bridge when they know a battle is coming?

JELLICO: Oh, and get that fish out of the ready room.

Ugh. As if you needed another reason to hate this guy. Who could hate Livingston?

JELLICO: Power transfer levels need to be upgraded by twenty percent. The efficiency of your warp coils is also unsatisfactory.
LAFORGE: Coil efficiency is well within specifications, Captain.
JELLICO: I'm not interested in the specs, Geordi. The efficiency needs to be raised by at least fifteen percent.

If that was possible they'd be doing it! Come to think of it, why wasn't the warp core replaced with a higher power model during the post-Wolf 359 refit?

TROI: I wouldn't call it resistance. More like uncertainty. Most of them had served under Captain Picard for several years. They knew him, they knew what he expected. Now they're being asked to adjust to a new captain and a new way of doing things, and they're uncertain how to react.

You react like trained Starfleet officers! Duh! There should be a whole Academy course about adapting to different command styles! Has the entire crew really gotten that complacent under Picard? And didn't Captain Maxwell claim that they were the best crew YEARS ago?

LAFORGE: Commander, he's asked me to completely reroute half the power systems on the ship, change every duty roster, realign the warp coils in two days, and now he's transferred a third of my department to Security.

It's that last part that's insane. By all means transfer a third of the Science department to Security for the duration, but you don't move the engineers who will be fixing the ship after it gets damaged in the predicted war.

JELLICO: Jean-Luc, let's be candid for a moment. The Cardassians aren't going to listen to reason, and the Federation isn't going to give in to their demands. And the chances are you won't be coming back from this mission of yours. I want this ship ready for action and I don't have time to give Will Riker or anyone else a chance.

Then you're an idiot. We'll be returning to this later.

[Nate the Great]

WORF: I am not familiar with metagenics.
CRUSHER: They're genetically engineered viruses that are designed to destroy entire ecosystems. When metagenic toxins are released into a planet's atmosphere, they immediately begin to mutate. They seek out and destroy all forms of DNA they encounter. In a few days, everything is dead.
PICARD: In a month, the metagenic agent itself breaks down and dissipates completely, leaving every city, every road, every piece of equipment perfectly intact.

How is that supposed to work? Can you really tell a cell to replicate itself X times and then die? It would be more reasonable to make them susceptible to a toxin that doesn't hurt anything else, letting you kill them at your leasure.

PICARD: Starfleet Intelligence believes that the Cardassians are developing a new delivery system, one that would protect them from accidental exposure to the toxin. They believe that the Cardassians are testing a way of launching dormant metagenic material on a subspace carrier wave.

You mean "activate dormant metagenic material via a specific subspace carrier wave." Ugh.

CRUSHER: You know, I heard that Solok was quite a man.
SOLOK: Why, yes, he is an extraordinary man.
CRUSHER: That's why we came here, because only Solok could help us. I guess there's some things even Solok can't do. It's too bad. (stroking Solok's lob) Because if he could, I would be very, very
SOLOK: Yes?
CRUSHER: Grateful.
SOLOK: (quivering with excitement) When do you want to leave?

Ick. And ick again.

JELLICO: Lemec is a Cardassian, and Cardassians are like timber wolves, predators, bold in large numbers cautious by themselves, and with an instinctive need to establish a dominant position in any social gathering.
TROI: So you're trying to establish a dominant position by making him wait for you. The trouble with wolves is that sometimes the fight for dominance, one of them ends up dead.
JELLICO: In that case, the trick is to be the wolf that's still standing at the end.

Ugh. Do Romulans, Klingons, Ferengi, Breen, Tholians, Sheliak, or ANY OTHER species we've seen not use the strategy of "establish a dominant position as early as possible?"

WORF: You're not afraid of heights, are you, Doctor?
CRUSHER: Of course not.

"It's not like I broke a few bones falling down a hole on Minos or anything!"

LEMEC: I have here come to negotiate a Federation withdrawal from the border, not to be dictated to by some mere captain.

I thought you were here to arrange a ceasefire, or perhaps ask for a redo on the treaty. If you've already declared that you won't accept anything less than being allowed to take what you want without punishment, I see no point in further negotiations. Not that I'm ripping from current headlines or anything...

WORF: A phaser set to level sixteen should suffice.

A standard kill setting is level ten.

LEMEC: May I present my aides, Glin Corak and Glin Tajor.

"Glin" is Cardassian for "Commander." It seldom came up on DS9.

JELLICO: Welcome aboard. For the past three weeks you've been massing troops in staging areas, assembling strike forces, and pulling ships from their normal patrols. We will not stand for this clearly provocative behaviour.
LEMEC: I see the Federation spy network has again provided you with faulty information. We are conducting routine training operations, nothing more.

Ugh. I expect all spacefaring races to know how to read a map and not cross borders when they don't mean to.

LEMEC: Your fleet deployments do not concern us. However, we are very concerned about your refusal to vacate those territories along the border which are clearly Cardassian.
JELLICO: You gave up your claims on those territories when you signed the armistice.

Exactly. Trying to claim them now is broadcasting to the known galaxy the message "Cardassians don't honor their own agreements, so don't even try making any in the future."

PICARD: So you concocted an elaborate ruse to bring me here. Why?
MADRED: In this room, you do not ask questions. I ask them, you answer. If I'm not satisfied with those answers, you will die.

We're supposed to understand, even respect Madred? Good luck with that.

Memory Alpha

* Had this episode aired after DS9 started, Quark would've been there instead of Solok.
* First appearance of Nechayev. Really? It's a lousy way to introduce her.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Many nits about the rappelling scene, I won't repeat them.
* According to the Tech Manual, Level 16 is the maximum a phaser can do. This means that the walls of the hole would be too hot to touch.
* Phil prefers Troi in the uniform, she exudes professionalism in it.
* Jellico says to transform the Science stations, yet Riker uses one as a science station and it still says "Science I" at the top.

[Nate the Great]

December 14th, 1992, "Chain of Command Part Two"

No fiver

The Episode

MADRED: How many others were part of this mission?
PICARD: Two.
MADRED: Name and rank?
PICARD: Chief Medical Officer Beverly Crusher. Lieutenant Worf.

Madred asked for rank, not position. Beverly worked hard for the rank of Commander, don't forget it!

PICARD: I demand to see a neutral representative as required by the Federation-Cardassian peace treaty.
(Madred removes the blindfold and the guards leave)
MADRED: We have already sent a message to Tohvun Three, the nearest neutral planet. They assure us they will dispatch someone immediately.

Yeah, that's a great way to start, with a lie. Now when Picard gets back to the Federation he can tell them to never bargain with Cardassians because they can't be trusted to obey the treaty.

MADRED:I understand that you are a student of archaeology. Did you know that Cardassia boasts some of the most ancient and splendid ruins in the entire galaxy?
PICARD: I know that the burial vaults of the First Hebitian civilisation are said to be magnificent.

The Hebetians play a much larger part in the novel "A Stitch in Time", the "autobiography" of Garak. His adoptive father was a collector of Hebetian artifacts. After a period of climate change the survivors became Cardassians. To this day a few Cardassians meet in secret to conduct Hebetian rituals. Their enemy is the True Way (only mentioned in "Our Man Bashir" and "Crossfire").

PICARD: Torture is expressly forbidden by the terms of the Seldonis Four convention governing treatment of prisoners of war.

Only mention of the Seldonis Four convention, I have to wonder why it never came up in "Tribunal."

MADRED: Are you in good health? Do you have any physical ailments I should know about?

Would it matter? "Oh yeah, I'm a diabetic. Do you have any insulin around, because if you don't the slightest torture would kill me." "Oh, of course, we'll call the whole thing off!" Yeah, right.

MADRED: Yes, I'm sure you have. (he turns on four spotlights behind his desk) How many lights do you see there?
PICARD: I see four lights.
MADRED: No, there are five. Are you quite sure?

I HATE this plot point. Hate hate hate. I don't care if it's a plausible form of torture, it's just sick.

RIKER: Under the terms of the Selonis Convention, Captain Picard must
LEMEC: The Selonis Convention applies to prisoners of war, which means you would have to acknowledge that he was captured during a mission authorised by the Federation. Are you willing to make such an admission?
JELLICO: No.
LEMEC: Then he will be treated as a terrorist.

Jellico's an idiot.

(Data is now wearing command red and three pips)

Ugh. Even if Jellico has appointed Data first officer until a new one can be sent out, that doesn't justify a division transfer or promotion.

MADRED: I want you to be very careful with your wompat from now on, Jil Orra.

Only appearance of a wompat, although I was surprised to learn that it's a real word: a sort of sling for strapping your toddler to your chest.

JIL ORRA: I will, father. Do humans have mothers and fathers?
MADRED: Yes, but human mothers and fathers don't love their children as we do. They're not the same as we are.

How do you know that? When's the last time Madred swapped parenthood stories with a human? Never, I'll bet.

PICARD: To expose a child to this. To someone who is suffering. To see that it is you that inflict that suffering.
MADRED: From the time Jil Orra could crawl she's been taught about the enemies of the Cardassians, and that enemies deserve their fate.
PICARD: When children learn to devalue others, they can devalue anyone, including their parents.
MADRED: What a blind, narrow view you have. What an arrogant man you are.

How is anything that Picard said arrogance? He's not forcing the opinion on Madred, he's trying to teach him a lesson.

MADRED: And what did peace and spirituality get us? People starved by the millions. Bodies went unburied. Disease was rampant. Suffering was unimaginable.

Ugh. What does peace and spirituality have to do with refusing to bury bodies?

MADRED: My daughter will never worry about going hungry.
PICARD: Her belly may be full, but her spirit will be empty.

To paraphrase from Gargoyles, survival isn't enough.

MADRED: Shall we begin again? How many lights are there?
PICARD: What lights?

Now is not the time to be a smart alec, Picard. You say "four" as many times as it takes for Madred to stop asking, you don't ask to be tortured!

(Picard is lying on the floor, singing through parched lips)
PICARD: Sur le pont d'Avignon on y danse on y danse.

This is a French song about a dance performed on a bridge back in the Middle Ages. "On the bridge in Avignon they are dancing there, they are dancing there."

In the German dub of "The Lion King" Zazu sings this song instead of "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts."

PICARD: Doctor Crusher has no knowledge of any of Starfleet's plans. She's a Medical officer.
MADRED: You might be right. I'll have to determine that for myself.
(Picard sits in the chair)

What an idiot. Madred has already proven himself a liar. If they chose to keep Crusher as a prisoner she wouldn't be a bargaining chip, she'd be a torture victim in the room next door.

JELLICO: All right. Worf, prepare a series of five hundred antimatter mines with magnetic targeting capabilities.

The standard photon complement of the Enterprise is 250. While I have no doubt they could replicate mines and bleed off some antimatter, it would take a long time.

MADRED: Oh, you're awake. Have something to eat. I insist. Boiled taspar egg. It's a delicacy I'm happy to share with you.
(Madred gives Picard a knife to slice the top off the very large egg, but this one isn't boiled. The contents are still alive and moving. Picard downs it in one)

Talk about pointlessly sadistic. Picard has to have had worse. I'm especially reminded of the time in the novel "Dragon's Honor" where he had to eat everything the Emperor put in front of him or else jeapardize an important treaty. That includes all sorts of alien offal, lizard saliva, and even worse stuff that anyone else would rather be executed than try to eat it. Good book, I recommend it, that's the one where Riker wins an entire planet in a poker game.

PICARD: Torture has never been a reliable means of extracting information. It is ultimately self-defeating as a means of control. One wonders that it's still practiced.

Duh. Make the torture bad enough and people are willing to confess to anything just to make it stop. You won't get much useful information out of the victims.

PICARD: In spite of all you've done to me, I find you a pitiable man.

Oh, that had to hurt.

MADRED: Picard, stop it, or I will turn this on and leave you here in agony all night.
PICARD: Ah! You called me Picard.

Mike drop.

RIKER: Yes, sir. I understand you've been talking to every shuttle pilot on board.
JELLICO: Let's drop the ranks for a moment. I don't like you. I think you're insubordinate, arrogant. willful, and I don't think you're a particularly good first officer.

Oh, how I hate him. Riker's style of being first officer is incompatible with your style of being captain. He's not a particularly good first officer for Jellico, but Jellico has no right to expand that to a global opinion.

RIKER: Well, now that the ranks are dropped, Captain, I don't like you, either. You are arrogant and closed-minded. You need to control everything and everyone. You don't provide an atmosphere of trust, and you don't inspire these people to go out of their way for you. You've get everybody wound up so tight there's no joy in anything. I don't think you're a particularly good Captain.

Mike drop.

PICARD: I want to see neutral representative.
MADRED: There is no such person.

Of course there is. Madred is either just stubborn or he shares the common Cardassian delusion that the universe is out to get them unless they strike first.

JELLICO: I stand relieved. (to all) It's been an honour serving with you.
(Jellico leaves with knives sticking out of his back)

This is one that needed a third part to properly punish Jellico, or at least give his arc some sort of resolution.

PICARD: What I didn't put in the report was that at the end he gave me a choice between a life of comfort or more torture. All I had to do was to say that I could see five lights, when in fact, there were only four.
TROI: You didn't say it?
PICARD: No, no, but I was going to. I would have told him anything. Anything at all. But more than that, I believed that I could see five lights.

Never liked this scene. Picard should've had a complete victory.

Memory Alpha

* The Nitpicker's Guide is referenced on an episode page for once. That's neat.

Memory Beta

* Picard will have his revenge on Madred in the novel Ship of the Line.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil wonders if Riker is a better pilot than Data. Of course he his, he has intuition and other emotions on his side. Just like Picard back in "Booby Trap."

[Nate the Great]

January 25th, 1993, "Ship in a Bottle"

Fiver by saxamaphone

The Episode

DATA: It takes a trained eye to notice certain discrepancies. For example, whether someone is right or left handed!
(Data throws a box of matches to the gentleman, who catches it in his right hand.)
DATA: Your brother was right handed! The alleged suicide note was written by a left handed individual such as yourself!
LAFORGE: Er, Data, it's in his right hand.
DATA: Curious. There seems to be a problem in the holodeck's spatial orientation systems.

Or your theory is total bunk. Whether someone catches something with their left or right hand depends on many more factors than just handedness. Which hand is closer to the object? What kind of object is it? Is it durable enough to survive a fumbling catch from the wrong hand? Is it a pillow that could easily be caught with either hand?

MORIARTY: But here I am. Tell me, has a way been found to allow me to leave the confines of this holodeck world?
BARCLAY: Leave the holodeck? No, of course not. You can only exist in here.
MORIARTY: Damn you, Picard. He promised me something would be done. I should have realised he would have said anything to get me to release my hostage.

Of course something akin to the mobile emitter is impossible with current tech, but I wonder why they can't make some sort of hovering pad that can create a hologram that stays "solid" within a small area. Imagine blowing up Tasha's holographic portrait and making it more sophisticated.

Or at the very least put holocommunicator booths in the corners of major rooms and allow him to observe and talk to people.

We'll talk about Reg's holocube at the end.

DATA: Since both planets are gas giants, neither possesses a solid surface. Their atmospheres, however, will come into contact in approximately seventeen hours nine minutes.
LAFORGE: If their collision causes a self-sustaining fusion reaction, this is what we are likely to see. The birth of a new star.

The math has been done. The minimum mass required to sustain fusion and become a brown dwarf (the least massive stars) is 80 times the mass of Jupiter. The most massive gas giant on record is b Centauri (AB)b orbiting Alpha Centauri, 11 times more massive than Jupiter. There's a bit of a gap there, but at least the idea is somewhat plausible.

MORIARTY: Do you really? When this is over, you will walk out of this room to the real world and your own concerns, and leave me here trapped in a world I know to be nothing but illusion. I cannot bear that. I must leave.
PICARD: That is not possible. You cannot exist outside this room.
MORIARTY: Are you certain of that?
PICARD: Computer, exit.
(the door opens onto the corridor)
PICARD: Although an object appears solid on the holodeck, in the real world they have no substance.
(Picard throws out a book. It vanishes)

Obligatory mention of those gangsters from "The Long Goodbye" that lasted for a few seconds before vanishing (completely implausibly).

MORIARTY: I have consciousness. Conscious beings have will. The mind endows them with powers that are not necessarily understood, even by you. If my will is strong enough, perhaps I can exist outside this room. Perhaps I can walk into your world right now.

The problem is that while a human being can exert their will on their body, Moriarty can't. His body has no substance, the holodeck is projecting a forcefield around his body. And frankly, his "will" doesn't interact with the body like a real persons. His "will" resides in his programming in the holodeck computers. The holodeck has virtual cameras where the puppet's eyes would be that feed visual data to the program in the computer, who then sends puppeting commands to the projection.

PICARD: How is this possible?
BARCLAY: It isn't.
DATA: This contradicts everything we know about holodeck physics.

So did the stuff in "The Big Goodbye", but you didn't complain then.

CRUSHER: As far as I can tell, he's real. He's human.
MORIARTY: What else would I be, dear lady?
CRUSHER: His DNA is a little unusual, but all the major systems are there and functioning normally.
LAFORGE: As far as I can tell there's no evidence that his molecules are losing any cohesion. They seem to be as immutable as ordinary matter.

So we're supposed to believe that the holodeck duplicates every biological system? Why? A puppet being controlled by force fields has no need for any of this nonsense. If events call for a holodeck character to be wounded and bloody, the wound and blood will appear then, because it isn't real!

MORIARTY: Extraordinary. Are we far from Earth? What is the range of this ship? What means of locomotion does it use? There's so much for me to learn. I hardly know where to start.

The term "lightyear" was coined by a German astronomer in 1838. Even so, I doubt even Holmes himself could truly fathom the distance in 19th-century terms. Could he even comprehend galactic scales?

As for "range", that's a tough one. Thousands of light-years, I suppose. Impossible for us 21st-century people to comprehend, much less Moriarty.

Power source, that's a good one. Antimatter wasn't even conceived of until 1928. At best you could describe it as "we replicate conditions inside a star to make solar flares that can be channeled into our engines."

PICARD: I can give you books that will help.
MORIARTY: Good, good.

Is there a reason why information can't be copied from the library computer into the holodeck computer to be accessed by Moriarty's program?

PICARD: Professor, I feel it necessary to point out that criminal behaviour is as unacceptable in the twenty fourth century as it was in the nineteenth. And much harder to get away with.

This is just stupid. The word "duh" comes to mind.

MORIARTY: Don't worry, Captain. My past is nothing but a fiction. The scribblings of an Englishman dead now for four centuries. I hope to leave his books on the shelf, as it were.

Let me repeat, duh. We established that this Moriarty isn't the same guy that Doyle concieved of back in "Elementary, Dear Data." Upon enlightenment his desire wasn't crime anymore, it was to defeat Holmes/Data.

MORIARTY: There is a woman, the Countess Regina Bartholomew. She was created as a holodeck character for one of Commander Data's programs. She was designed to be the love of my life. Could she also be brought off the holodeck?

Moriarty was written to be a nemesis for Holmes only. There's mention of two brothers, but never a love interest. One wonders why Data created one.

PICARD: Professor, I wonder why you're in so much of a hurry. Is this woman involved with you in some illegal venture?

Why is Picard still stuck on this plot point? What sort of "criminal enterprise" can he engage in? At worse he'll commit extortion and attempted assault, neither of wish requires an accomplice.

COMPUTER: Authorisation denied.
PICARD: Explain.
COMPUTER: Picard command codes are no longer valid.

I don't think "valid" is the right word here.

DATA: Perhaps we should consider the transporter system. It uses many of the same principles as the holodeck. Both, for example, are capable of converting energy into matter.
LAFORGE: Except the transporter reconstitutes energy in a permanent form. Holodeck matter doesn't have any cohesion unless it's inside the grid.
BARCLAY: I wonder, what would happen if we tried to beam a holodeck object off the grid?
LAFORGE: Nothing would happen. A holodeck object is just a simulation. There's nothing there to provide a pattern lock for the transporter.

Exactly. This isn't a transporter problem, it's a replicator problem. Turning code into something solid.

For that matter, "Time Squared" reminds me that they can take a physical pattern from Source A and a neural pattern from Source B and fuse them in the transporter. Creating a physical pattern isn't the problem. While the holodeck shouldn't create bones and organs for characters routinely, it would know how to if events require it. Converting computer code into a neural pattern is the problem.

LAFORGE: That's a big leap, Data. I just don't think the transporter is going to accept simulated matter.
BARCLAY: Unless, unless we could find a way to compensate for the phase variance. If we could modify the pattern enhancers we just might do it.

Yeah, this is nonsense.

[Nate the Great]

(the lovely Stephanie Beacham greets Reg)

While I know Moriarty actor Daniel Davis best from The Nanny, I know Beacham best from Seaquest DSV. I really should get around to rewatching that show one of these years. Not necessarily for Retrospective purposes, just to enjoy it.

MORIARTY: If you loved a woman like this, Lieutenant, would you be content to let her remain a simulation?
BARCLAY: You, you gave her consciousness?
MORIARTY: Yes, just as it was given to me.

And how was that, exactly? No doubt Data and Geordi closed the loophole from "Elementary, Dear Data" by now. You can't just tell the computer to make one particular holodeck character sentient.

Come to think of it, why haven't they asked the Bynars for their help in this situation? While I have no doubt that the code used on Minuet is still is no longer in the Enterprise computers, the Bynars would keep a copy of it on their homeworld, wouldn't they?

DATA: Through deduction, sir. Lieutenant Barclay and I tried to transport a simulated object off the holodeck, something that has never been attempted. Since the transporter itself is a simulation, the computer had no real data from which to create the transport logs.

Exactly. Moriarty may be in command of this virtual Enterprise, but that control is limited by his comprehension. It's one thing to slave ship's control to some levers in the holodeck's virtual world, but he can't understand everything in the computer without it either being reprogrammed to interface with his program or him learning about it manually.

DATA: Then I saw you working the PADD with your left hand. Commander La Forge is right handed, sir. A similar malfunction occurred in the Sherlock Holmes programme I was running before Moriarty first appeared.

Ugh. Talk about a mishandled Chekov's gun. At least writing with your off hand is exponentially more complicated than catching an object with it.

(Data throws his commbadge towards the warp core. The grid appears for a moment)

Yeah, that's not how that works. The illusion on the holodeck wall would come forward to let the commbadge pass through it, then create an image of the commbadge continuing in interrupted flight.

PICARD: Credit where credit is due, madam. I can see you are a woman not only of breeding, but of wit and sagacity.

Sagacity means having foresight and discernment. If this was coming from anyone but Picard I'd call them pompous.

COUNTESS: And you, sir, are a man of charm and guile. You remind me of Viscount Oglethorpe. He was a man could bewitch any woman who breathed.

Well that's icky. I would apply the comparison to Kirk way before Picard.

PICARD: Yes, I can. We have learned that if we uncouple the transporter's Heisenberg Compensators and allow them to re-scramble randomly, we can beam a holodeck object or a person off the grid with all of the cohesion of conventional matter.

This is Picard planting information, but even with that knowledge this is meaningless technobabble. The Heisenberg Compensator is used for the dematerialization process, not the rematerialization process. I jolly well expect a transporter to be able to put every particle exactly where it wants and at the right speed.

(shuttle Sakharov flies off)

Sakharov was a Soviet scientist who helped design their thermonuclear weapons, but was also an advocate for civil liberties and nuclear disarmament.

PICARD: But who knows? Our reality may be very much like theirs. All this might be just be an elaborate simulation running inside a little device sitting on someone's table. Well, we have a newborn star to study. Mister Barclay, you will keep that safe?
BARCLAY: Aye, sir.
(everyone else leaves)
BARCLAY: Computer, end programme.

Holodeck characters can't end their own program (except for EMH's and Vic, of course).

The Fiver

Barclay: Hey guys! You're never going to guess what happened!
La Forge: Something weird with the Holodeck?
Barclay: How'd you know?
La Forge: Well, look at who I'm talking to.

Yeah, Barclay walked right into that one.

Moriarty: Sure. Meet you in Ten Forward. (leaves)
Data: Hey, he can't do that! He's not a drawing of the Enterprise!

As has already been covered before, the holodeck can probably replicate simple objects if it looks like a user is trying to leave the holodeck with it.

Barclay: Hey, maybe we could beam her off the Holodeck.
Data: Sure, if we can lock on to her with the pattern enhancers
La Forge: An episode with Holodeck characters, transporter technology, and Barclay -- what are the odds?

I'm not sure that the double-dipping works in this case.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil and his readers also noted the handedness problem.
* It's weird that Data was so willing to defend the rights of the exocomps, but doesn't seem to care that much about Moriarty.
* Why would it matter of Moriarty vanishes if he leaves the holodeck? That's just the projection, not his actual program.
* When Barclay said "end program", why didn't the computer respond with the message that it's an invalid command?
* He brings up the multiple instances of holodeck objects leaving the holodeck. Once again, simple objects can be replicated as needed, but full puppets can't.

[NAHTMMM]

I haven't seen Parent Trap II, but I used to watch Short Circuit growing up. I have also read Ship of the Line and recommend that nobody else reads it.

[Nate the Great]

February 1st, 1993, "Aquiel"

Fiver by Marc

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 46461.3. We have arrived at a communication relay station near the Klingon border, where we are scheduled to deliver supplies. However, the station has not responded to repeated hails.

Let me say this up front: Confining two people to a small station for months on end is blatantly ridiculous. Anyone would snap under those circumstances. The worst part is that there have to be any number of science projects that could be done anywhere. Have it staffed with a dozen researchers who do the boring relay stuff half a shift a week each. Duh.

LAFORGE: They must've left an audio monitoring system on. We're hearing a few thousand subspace messages.

With only two people on board you'd think the computer could be programmed to shut down all active programs and send a distress signal if there isn't any input in X hours.

RIKER: Here's your loose panel.
(the sound is of a wagging tail hitting the metal. woof!)
LAFORGE: Hey, pooch. hey, pooch, come on out of there.

Does this place seem big enough for a dog to be comfortable? I don't think so. I'd feel bad keeping a cat in here!

(Worf is cutting the deck plate out with his phaser)

There aren't any plasma torches available that could do this job better?

AQUIEL [OC]: Sent in my third request for a message delay buffer. Until it arrives, Lieutenant Rocha and I have rigged a memory module to compensate.

You shouldn't need to ask three times for equipment. And frankly under these circumstances there should be at least two spares of everything that could fail. And of course the idea of turning a memory module into a message delay buffer is ludicrous.

AQUIEL [OC]: Hello, Shiana. Sorry I haven't talked to you in a while but I've been dealing with the new Lieutenant, Rocha. So far he's been rude, arrogant and condescending, and he's only been here two days. This might be a long year.

A YEAR! Two people alone on a station for a YEAR! Are we sure that this posting isn't some sort of punishment?

CRUSHER: Well this is just a guess, but from the molecular deposition on the plating I'd say it was a high-level phaser blast.
RIKER: Could it have been a Klingon disruptor?
CRUSHER: Possibly.

I'm pretty sure that phasers and disruptors operate on sufficently different principles that you can't really mix up one with the other.

PICARD: Get Rocha's personnel file from Starfleet Command.

You didn't do that already once you realized that the station wasn't responding? For that matter, isn't the Enterprise computer big enough to hold all personnel files for a considerable chunk of Starfleet personnel?

For that matter, you should be able to get the files from a closer Starbase than Earth.

AQUIEL [on monitor]: It's because of what's been happening with that Klingon. He's getting more aggressive all the time. Not just the usual threat. Morag actually locked his disruptors to the station this time.

That seems like a pretty blatant violation of the treaty to me. She didn't tell Starfleet Command about this?

LAFORGE: There are three references to a Commander Morag, a Klingon officer who patrols this section of the border. Apparently he would pass the station every few days and harass them.

Why was this allowed to continue?

WORF: Have the courage to admit your mistakes. Or are you a lo'Be Vos?

lo'Be Vos means "thing without courage."

AQUIEL: You have to be raised on it. It's very nutritious. The taste grows on you.
LAFORGE: Batar al nalia.

That means "but not on me."

The Fiver

Riker: Lieutenant, did you lie about your age to get into Starfleet?

Where did this come from?

Dog: Woof! Woof!
Aquiel: Maura! I'm so happy to see you again, girl!
La Forge: Looks like she means a lot to you.
Aquiel: Yes, we've been inseparable ever since I found her wandering around an isolated Arctic research station whose personnel had all mysteriously died.

What is this a reference to?

[NAHTMMM]

Originally Posted by Nate the Great

The Fiver

Dog: Woof! Woof!
Aquiel: Maura! I'm so happy to see you again, girl!
La Forge: Looks like she means a lot to you.
Aquiel: Yes, we've been inseparable ever since I found her wandering around an isolated Arctic research station whose personnel had all mysteriously died.

What is this a reference to?

Probably The Thing.

[Nate the Great]

February 8th, 1993, "Face of the Enemy"

Fiver by Nic

The Episode

TROI: Computer, lights. Computer, turn on the lights.
(nothing happens)

I wonder why not. Do the Romulans think that vocal commands for routine things are weak? Does it only respond to commands in Romulan? Is everyone wearing Universal Translators to understand Troi's English?

TROI: Warbird? I was at the neuropsychology seminar at Bokara Six. The last thing I remember was returning to my quarters. I was attacked. I felt a hypospray.
N'VEK: It was necessary. I could not be certain you would come voluntarily.

I despise the whole "I couldn't give you the choice because you might not choose my way" trope.

N'VEK: Listen to me carefully. You are no longer Deanna Troi. You are Major Rakal of the Tal Shiar, the Imperial Intelligence.

The Tal Shiar has their own fleet and thus a need for military ranks.

N'VEK: Your only chance to get off this ship alive is to do as I say. You are an empath. You would know if I am lying. Am I?
TROI: No.

It stands to reason that the Romulans would be motivated to create telepathy-blocking technology. The fact that they haven't indicates that it really is impossible. Although I've already talked about how a slight temporal displacement would create a defacto shield, but I suppose it would be too complicted for routine use aboard a warbird.

TORETH: Commence loading the cargo. Notify me when the transfer is complete.
(everyone say hi! to Carolyn Seymour)

Seymour has a lengthy resume of supporting roles in TV. She was only in one episode of B5. I was surprised to learn that she played Mrs. Templeton in Janeway's stupid Regency holodeck program.

N'VEK: Commander, may I present Major Rakal of the Tal Shiar? This is Commander Toreth.
TORETH: Attend to your station.

Since when do visiting Tal Shiar officers have "stations"? This seems like a situation where they'd just sit next to the captain (or Commander, I should say. I'm all for alternate rank systems, but not one that causes this much confusion).

TORETH: Why are you here without your guards? Well?

If Tal Shiar agents have to work in packs aboard military ships, that raises many disturbing questions.

TORETH: I have been ordered to take on cargo but its contents are unknown to me. Does that seem wise? I am responsible for the safety of this ship and its crew. How do I know this cargo is safe to transport?

A good point, but this seems like something that would be covered by her orders. Provide transport only, everything else is out of your control. Don't complain or you might "disappear."

WORF: The man acted dishonourably. He is a traitor.
CRUSHER: He risked his life to get here. He spent two weeks alone in a scout ship.
WORF: That does not excuse his original actions.

There are times when Worf's dialogue gets too cliche and thus painful. Furthermore, when so much exposition about DeSeve's situation hasn't been revealed yet, Worf's remarks seem really clunky. This could've been solved so easily with a Captain's Log a few scenes ago.

DESEVE: The Romulans are very moral, Captain. They have an absolute certainty about what is right and what is wrong, who is a friend and who is an enemy, a strict moral compass which provides them with a clarity of purpose. At one time I found their sense of purpose, their passion and commitment, to be very compelling.
PICARD: But not any more?
DESEVE: As I've grown older, I realise that clarity of purpose is a more ambiguous matter than I had thought in my youth.

This plot point required more exposition. They seem to be implying that DeSeve just abandoned his post and defected to the Romulans. Certainly a court-martial offense, but I wouldn't call it "treason" unless he revealed Starfleet secrets to the Romulans, which doesn't seem to be the case.

DESEVE: The freighter is an old Antares class vessel with limited speed and range. It couldn't have taken on its cargo more than a day ago which means it must be within fifteen light years of here.
PICARD: Why didn't you mention this earlier?
DESEVE: It didn't seem necessary. And on Romulus you learn not to volunteer information. It's a hard habit to break.

There's quite a screed to be had here about comparing Romulan and Cardassian society.

N'VEK: Yes. It's your job to order Toreth to proceed into Federation territory.
TROI: We'll never get through the gravitic sensor nets.
N'VEK: We will, if you provide the correct access codes.

Why would Troi know the codes?

TORETH: In order to reach Draken, we will have to travel through Federation space for nearly twenty hours.

Who said we had to go in a straight line? Go around!

DATA: It appears to be the remains of a ship. My analysis indicates that it was an Antares class freighter.

The model was used in an episode of Enterprise, implying that this type of ship has been in use for hundreds of years. Ouch.

And of course Kassidy Yate's ship the Xhosa is of this class.

WORF: Captain, we are being hailed.
PICARD: On screen.
TROI [on viewscreen]: I am Major Rakal of the Tal Shiar.

I love SF Debris' reaction to this scene: Picard saying that if this is the child of another officer an alternate version of himself sent back in time then he is just DONE.

The Fiver

N'Vek: Wrong! From now on you will refer to yourself as Major Rakal of the Tal Shiar. And you will help me, for I have a cunning plan.

This seems to be a Blackadder reference.

N'Vek: We need your help to deliver this cargo to the Federation. It contains a Romulan Viceconsul and two of his aides. If we fail, the Viceconsul will be killed.
Troi: Sucks to be the Viceconsul.

Vice Consul is two words.

Crusher: So how does it feel, now that you no longer wear the face of the enemy?
Troi: Okay. Although I kind of liked the ears of the enemy. Can I, by any chance, keep them?
Picard: NO! Absolutely not! No pointy-eared green-blooded hobgoblins on my Bridge!

I wonder if this is supposed to be a reference to Sirtis' role of Demona over on Gargoyles.

Memory Alpha

* First appearance of the Tal Shiar. Really?
* First appearance of Worf's ponytail.
* First episode where it's established that you can't have the cloak and shields on at the same time.
* When DeSeve first beams aboard he refers to Picard as Captain, yet later he uses the Romulan term "Commander". Oops.
* First mention of the Romulans using artificial quantum singularities as a power source.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil also wonders about the translation issue.
* Carolyn Seymour appeared as a different Romulan back in "Contagion." Why didn't they reuse the character (Taris) here?
* DeSeve defected to the Romulans twenty years ago. Weren't the Romulans still in their isolationist period back then? How did he get to Romulus?
* Phil also wondered why Troi would have the codes.
* Troi grows a lot more hair after Crusher reverts her Romulan look. I don't have a problem with this one; it stands to reason that medical science has advanced enough to encourage hair growth. Picard might choose not to use the tech, requiring him and Data to use wigs in "Reunification."

[Nate the Great]

February 15th, 1993, "Tapestry"

Fiver by Michael DeSanto (never heard of him, either)

The Episode

CRUSHER: Tell Doctor Selar she can use ward three for the ambulatory cases, and I'll stay here.

Come to think of it, hasn't it been long enough since K'ehleyr's death that Suzie Plakson can play Selar again? She'll be namedropped a few more times before the series ends, so why not?

CRUSHER: He's in cardiac arrest. Connect the pulmonary support units. He's got internal haemorrhaging. The bioregulator of his artificial heart's been fused.

You'd think the implant would have a backup regulator.

PICARD: No. I am not dead. Because I refuse to believe that the afterlife is run by you. The universe is not so badly designed.

This line always stuck with me. Truly one of Picard's best burns.

MAURICE: I told you that Starfleet would bring you to a bad end, but you wouldn't listen. Now look at you. Dead before your time.

Come to think of it, why was Maurice so anti-Starfleet anyway? Was it just the general "new is bad" thinking that Robert displayed? I find such thinking overly simplistic and close-minded.

Q: Death has made you a little dim, Jean-Luc. These are the voices of all the people who have died through your actions or your inactions.

There's a lot to unpack here, but the simple version is that Picard isn't 100% responsible for the unforeseen consequences of his actions or inactions and as long as his motives weren't selfish you can't lay much blame on him. Remember when I discussed how many TOS deaths were directly Kirk's fault?

Q: Your artificial heart. You might have lived if you had a real one instead of this unreliable piece of technology.

No matter whether his heart was real or artificial, no doubt there were missions that would've gone either way.

For that matter, wouldn't the Borg have upgraded this thing enough for Crusher to see that it was worthwhile to leave it as is?

(Picard, in old style uniform, gets slapped across the face by a woman who then storms out of the room)
MARTA: Bravo! Bravo!
COREY: Nicely done.

The expanded universe had a lot of fun fleshing out Marta and Corey's backstories. In particular Corey joining Section 31 and Marta hunting them down.

Q: Oh, you mortals are so obtuse. Why do you persist in believing that life and death are such static and rigid concepts. Why, I can take your life and give it back to you again with the snap of a finger.

Well, that's disturbing.

PICARD: Change them? You mean change the past? Q, even if you have been able to bring me back in time somehow, surely you must realise that any alteration in this timeline will have a profound impact on the future.
Q: Please. Spare me your egotistical musings on your pivotal role in history. Nothing you do here will cause the Federation to collapse or galaxies to explode. To be blunt, you're not that important.

Oh, the argument to the contrary that we could come up with.

MARTA: Very, very nice. I think you should forget about Starfleet and play dom-jot for a living.

First appearance of dom-jot. Memory Alpha reveals an interesting story that was cut from "The Maquis." Curzon Dax, Cal Hudson, and Sisko once played dom-jot against the Zakdorn.

Q: Flowers! Is there a John Luck Pickard here?

Another classic. There's also a package here for Tony Stank...

PICARD: I'm not sure. Mister Worf, what is my rank and position?
WORF: You are a Lieutenant junior grade, Assistant Astrophysics officer.

One thing that confuses me is why Picard would stay in a dead-end Starfleet career instead of returning to Professor Galen. And why Astrophysics? You'd think there would be any number of science officers specializing in archeology on board.

PICARD: Who's the captain of this ship?
DATA: Captain Thomas Halloway.

The writers were considering bringing back Jellico as the captain, but I would've preferred DeSoto, it would've been a nice Easter Egg.

PICARD: Main Engineering. Are you having a good laugh now, Q? Does it amuse you to think of me living out the rest of my life as a dreary man in a tedious job?

And he can't resign and go back to Earth...why?

Q: Au contraire, he's the person you wanted to be. One who was less arrogant, and undisciplined as a youth. One who was less like me. The Jean-Luc Picard you wanted to be, the one who did not fight the Nausicaan, had quite a different career from the one you remember. That Picard never had a brush with death, never came face to face with his own mortality, never realised how fragile life is or how important each moment must be. So his life never came into focus. He drifted for much of his career, with no plan or agenda, going from one assignment to the next, never seizing the opportunities that presented themselves. He never lead the away team on Milika Three to save the ambassador, or take charge of the Stargazer's Bridge when its Captain was killed. And no one ever offered him a command. He learned to play it safe. And he never, ever got noticed by anyone.

Let me just toss up a video link.

Milika III will only make a cameo in Stellar Cartography in Generations. I wish someone would write a novel about that.

As for the captain that was killed, that was Daithan Ruhalter. He practiced fencing with Picard. It was the prior captain, Anton Manning, that took Picard to Vulcan to attend the Spock/Saavik marriage.

PICARD: And, you know, there's still a part of me that cannot accept that Q would give me a second chance, or that he would demonstrate so much compassion. And if it was Q, I owe him a debt of gratitude.

Q will call in this debt during the events of the novel "Q-Squared."

Memory Alpha

* First time the Nausicaans appeared onscreen.
* A Selay and an Antican appear on the station, but they're supposed to be moral enemies. Oops.
* Picard had hair as a young man here, but was shown as bald in the photo in Nemesis. Simplest explanation-remove Nemesis from canon. Duh.

The Fiver

Riker: We were attacked! The Captain's been fatally injured!
Worf: That's what he gets for leading the away team.

Ouch.

Picard: Why does heaven look like the place where the Prophets live?
Q: It's the same complex. They live next door.

"We got a great deal on the timeshare!"

Q: So, do you have any regrets?
Picard: Yeah, I didn't get to fool around with Beverly.
Q: Besides that.

"How about that time the Borg killed millions of people using my knowledge?"
"We don't have the budget for something that big!"

Picard: Marta! Corey! My old college buddies! It's great to see you again!
Marta: Old?
Corey: Have you been smoking felicium again, Jonny?

Felicium is injected, not smoked.

Worf: Is something wrong, Lieutenant Picard?
Picard: What's going on? Why am I a lieutenant? Who's the captain of this ship?
Data: Kathryn Janeway.

Janeway was commanding the Bonestell at this point.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Picard says that the incident with the Naussicans was thirty years ago when it was really over forty years. Oops.
* Many inconsistencies between the story as told in "Samaritan Snare" and this episode.

[Nate the Great]

February 22nd, 1993, "Birthright Part One"

Fiver by Kristina

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 46578.4. The Enterprise has arrived at Station Deep Space Nine, to assist in the reconstruction of the Bajoran aqueduct systems damaged during the Cardassian occupation.

"For some reason, the entire senior staff of the station is occupied elsewhere playing some stupid board game with Gamma Quadrant aliens." Hehe...

CRUSHER: I should be through with the water contaminant analysis in a few hours. Then I'm going to check out one of the holosuites. They have got a relaxation programme here, Jean-Luc, from Alture Seven. Listen to this. First they bath you in a protein bath. Then a cloud of chromal vapour carries you into a meditation chamber. You should try it.

I'd really like to know how a cloud of vapor is supposed to carry a person. I can't find a usage of "chromal" that isn't related to chrome plating.

WORF: What is this?
LAFORGE: It's pasta al fiorella. One of my favourites.

Fiorella is a cheese that's a cross between mozarella and ricotta. This dish doesn't exist in the real world, but of course a Trek fan has created a recipe for it.

LAFORGE: (pushes plate away) I'll have to talk to Chief O'Brien about these replicators. Worf, I don't see how you can eat that stuff. It tastes like liquid polymer.
WORF: Delicious.

Was the "Worf likes food that other people think is awful" joke used more often than here and with Riker's eggs?

DATA: I am sorry, but use of sickbay equipment is limited to ship's medical personnel.

You'd think Bashir could just ask permission. Come to think of it, you'd think the CMO of DS9 could request the use of any Starfleet medical facility docked at the station.

SHREK: I expect to be paid for my information. Perhaps we could negotiate an exchange. The location of your father, for--

Does Worf even have gold-pressed latinum on him? I would understand Starfleet ships visiting DS9 to get enough latinum to buy a few meals, but Shrek would want more than that.

Then again, odds are Riker has some latinum on him. I recommend the DS9 novel "The Big Game" where Quark organizes a poker tournament. Riker was specifically invited, but he couldn't make it. Bashir takes his place and gets rather far, and this is BEFORE his enhancements were even conceived of.

(he is practising his martial arts, but gets angry and smashes a glass table. The doorbell chimes)

Seriously, why wouldn't Worf have sturdier furniture than this? I wonder if Troi ever told him how K'Ehleyr broke a table once upon a time.

WORF: A Klingon would never allow himself to be captured. A warrior fights to the death. If my father were alive it would dishonour his sons and their sons for three generations. Even Alexander would bear the burden of guilt.

This situation probably falls into the no-suicide clause.

BASHIR: Right. Data, can I ask you a personal question?
DATA: Certainly.
BASHIR: Does your hair grow?

You'd think something this basic would be part of the publicly-available specs.

DATA: I can control the rate of my follicle replenishment. However, I have not yet had a reason to modify the length of my hair.

A mission to Romulus where you have to impersonate a Romulan doesn't count?

BASHIR: You're breathing.
DATA: Yes. I do have a functional respiration system. However, its purpose is to maintain thermal control of my internal systems. I am, in fact, capable of functioning for extended periods in a vacuum.

"Or walking around on the bottom of a lake. However, I do not foresee ever needing to use that skill."

DATA: Most people are interested in my extraordinary abilities. How fast I can compute, my memory capacity, how long I will live.

That would also be part of his file! Why bother Data with this nonsense?

SHREK: Excellent. I can provide you with the coordinates.
WORF: No. You will take me there.
SHREK: No, it's not possible.

They could've saved so much trouble by just taking the Enterprise. Or at the very least, hiring your own ship. I'm sure Quark could help you out there...

DATA: I have analysed over four thousand different religious and philosophical systems, as well as over two hundred psychological schools of thought, in an effort to understand what happened.

The ratio between religions and psychological schools is interesting.

DATA: The interpretation of visions and other metaphysical experiences are almost always culturally derived, and I have no culture of my own.
PICARD: Yes, you do. You're a culture of one, which is no less valid than a culture of one billion.

Good point.

DATA: I do not understand.
SOONG: You're not supposed to. No man should know where his dreams come from. It spoils the mystery, the fun.

There's a lot to unpack here.

L'KOR: (sings) van'aj javDIch Qong DIr Sa'VIch ghIH yot quelI'Pa qevas HoH Qa. teblaw'nghu mughato'Du ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo'

This is known as the Victory Song, written by Brannon Braga. The lyrics are Klingon words as created by Marc Okrand, but the translation is gibberish. I prefer the Warrior's Anthem, which actually has a meaning. And the Amazing Thing That I Learned Today is that the translation of the Warriors Anthem was used in the fan-made DS9 Season 5 trailer.

Memory Alpha

* It was supposed to be Dax in the Data plot, but Bashir "died" first in "Move Along Home."
* Data tells Bashir that he never had a reason to change his hair length, but he did it back in "The Schizoid Man". Oops.

Fiver

Captain's Log: We are docked at Deep Space Nine to promote the show and see some cast crossovers.

"Some"? There was only one!

Shrek: Worf, son of Mogh? I'm Shrek.
Worf: Where's the donkey? And should you not be green?
Shrek: Not that Shrek. My name is Shrek, too.
Worf: Ah, the sequel. Then where is Puss in Boots?
Shrek: Are you a Klingon or a Pakled?

I get the joke, but it seems a bit too obvious. More depth was needed.

La Forge: What is it with the father fetish of this episode?
Bashir: We go father than no one has gone before....

Horrible grammar for the sake of that joke.

Nitpicker's Guide

* So what was that "medical scanner" for, anyway?
* Phil noticed a person in the "Data-as-bird" flyby. This was mentioned on the Memory Alpha page, but I wasn't going to bring it up. This was June Abston, a makeup artist. Her "cameo" was removed for the remaster.
* Worf's "stealth suit" shows a human-style spine when we know that Klingon spines are much more spiky ("Ethics").

[Nate the Great]

March 1st, 1993, "Birthright Part II"

Fiver by Kristina

The Episode

WORF: Why did you allow it to happen?
GI'RAL: We had no choice. We were defending an outpost on the perimeter. The Romulans took out our shields. The next blast rendered us unconscious. When we awoke, we were prisoners, unarmed and shackled.
L'KOR: We were interrogated for three months. We tried to starve ourselves but they kept us alive.

I'd think if any race would know how to kill themselves without weapons it would be the Klingons. Or at the very least use the Josephus tactic.

L'KOR: The Romulans hoped to trade our lives for territorial concessions, but the Klingon High Council refused to negotiate. They would not acknowledge that their warriors had been taken prisoner.
GI'RAL: And when it was clear that we would be of no use to them, Tokath offered to let us go.
L'KOR: But we knew that our families believed we had fallen in battle, so we did not wish to return to dishonour them.
GI'RAL: We asked Tokath to let us stay and he took pity on us.

And you didn't commit suicide at that point...why? Look, I don't actually hate this episode, it's just a bit too contrived.

L'KOR: Why did you come here? If you had found your father you would have found only dishonour.
WORF: If he had been captured as you were, if I had found him here, I would be glad to see him. There is no room in my heart for shame.
L'KOR: I can only hope that if my son came here, he would be Klingon enough to kill me.

This needed more elaboration. Worf's code is not the same as other Klingons, and because of that Klingon history is quite different. Just think about it, without him Duras and the Romulans would've taken over the entire Alpha Quadrant by now.

WORF: This is a gin'tak spear.

You'd think these things would've joined the standard Klingon arsenal, but nope. They didn't even make a cameo until Lower Decks.

TOQ: We have no need for weapons here. The war is far away.
WORF: What war?
TOQ: The war our parents came here to escape.
WORF: That war was over many years ago.
TOQ: I'm not interested in what you have to say, Klingon.

This seems odd. Are the Romulans deliberately not keeping them informed about current events?

BA'EL: Aren't you happy to have escaped the war?
WORF: The war.
BA'EL: Yes. We've heard the stories all our lives. How people are slaughtered in terrible battles, forced to fight whether they want to or not. That's why our parents came here, to make a safe home, a place where they could raise their children in peace. I should think you'd be relieved to get away from the fighting. You're safe here.

The Romulans have no reason to lie about this, so this must be the elder generation trying to preserve their honor. But this is hardly the simplest method. If I gave it some thought I could probably think up a reasonable alternative, but I'm not in the mood.

WORF: A place can be safe and still be a prison. Where I come from, people are free to come and go as they choose.
BA'EL: So are we.
WORF: Tell your father that you would like to leave. Tell him that you would like to visit the Klingon Home world. See what he says.
BA'EL: Why would I want to go there? It's dangerous.

"To go alone, take this." Sorry. Anyway, how can the war still be going on if Q'onos has fallen? STVI really seemed to imply that no Q'onos=no organized empire.

TOKATH: You're just like L'Kor was twenty years ago. Proud and angry. He hated me. All the Klingons did. And I had no love for them, I won't deny it. When I informed the High Command that the Klingons wanted to remain here, I was told that unless I stayed to oversee them myself, they would be killed. My decision ended my military career.
WORF: Why did you do it?
TOKATH: I don't expect you to understand. You're a Klingon. But I do expect you to understand this, We've put aside the old hatreds. Here, Romulans and Klingons live in peace. I won't allow you to destroy what we have.

There's so much to unpack here. How do the Romulan, Klingon (old), Klingon (Worf), and Federation ideas of peace compare? How much is Tokath deluding himself? Etc.

BA'EL: Bagh Da tuHmoh. ChojaH Duh rHo. ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo'
WORF: Do you know what that song means?
BA'EL: No. I just like the melody.

So are these Klingons speaking a language other than Klingon? If they were speaking Romulan I would imagine Worf would be even more angry.

The Victory Song will be repeated later in the episode. The translation is gibberish.

TOKATH: We haven't had to use one of these for a long time. It implants a small boridium pellet under the skin.

Boridium makes a few appearances throughout Trek. Usually they're used for power networks, but the people of Rigel IV make knives out of it.

(She opens a chest. It contains Klingon armour amongst other items)
BA'EL: I don't know why, but I'm not supposed to look at these things. They're Klingon, aren't they?
WORF: Yes.

Well, duh. Klingons don't seem like the type to regularly import items from elsewhere in the galaxy. Maybe there would be a few Romulan artifacts from the alliance in the TOS days, but that would be it.

(Well, maybe there would be a Klingon translation of Shakespeare in there as well...)

(Ba'el has taken a necklace)
BA'EL: Isn't it beautiful?
WORF: That is a jinaq. It is given to a daughter who has come of age, old enough to take a mate.

The jInaq only appears in the novel Kahless besides this episode.

WORF: Kahless held his father's lifeless body in his arms. He could not believe what his brother had done. Then his brother threw their father's sword into the sea, saying, if he could not possess it, neither would Kahless. That was the last time the brothers would speak.

Kahless' brother was Morath. He's prominent in the novel "Kahless", and the blood the "Kahless" clone was made from was really his. The brother's relationship was much different than as related here.

[Nate the Great]

BA'EL: This Kahless, did he ever take a mate?
WORF: That is another story.
BA'EL: Tell me.

Yes he did. Her name was Kellien. She gave him her jiNaq to hold onto until they could be married. She died before they could be, so he wore the necklace for the rest of his life and never married.

WORF: Klingons and Romulans are blood enemies. Have been for centuries.
BA'EL: Not here. Here, we live in peace.

Except for that brief period in the TOS days when they were allies. And then Kor screwed it up and Kera's (the Romulan Commander played by Mark Leonard, just reverse the letters) daughter-in-law put an end to that. I highly recommend all of John Byrne's Trek comics.

WORF: The qa'vak is not a game. It hones the skills of the hunt.

Another piece of Klingon lore that should've been reused.

TOQ: The hunt? We have replicators here.

Ugh. As has been covered by numerous other episodes, replicated stuff doesn't quite taste like the real thing if you know the difference. Furthermore we know that Klingons avoide replicators if possible. Their bloodwine is real, their gagh is real, I'll bet the targ is real too.

TOQ: Tonight, as we came home, we sang a song of victory. A song known only to me as a lullaby. But it is a warrior's song. Bagh Da tuHmoh. Fire streaks the heavens. ChojaH Duh rHo. Battle has begun. Bagh Da tuHmoh. ChojaH Duh rHo. ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo' ylja'Qo.
(others join in and I cannot be bothered to try and transcribe it all.)

Why bother? As I already said, the lyrics are gibberish.

BA'EL: (to the guard) Thank you. I will remove the tracking device. Then you can go over the wall and hide in the jungle.

And then what? He has no way off the planet. Eventually Worf would have no choice but to try killing the Romulans one by one until they kill him.

BA'EL: They will kill you.
WORF: Yes. But they will not defeat me.

"I cannot defeat this Klingon. All I can do is kill him, and that no longer holds my interest."

BA'EL: If there is anything that I've learned from you, from your reaction to me, it's that I have no place out there. Other Klingons will not accept me for what I am.

So stay on the Enterprise! For that matter, do the Romulans know that he's a Starfleet officer?

PICARD: You found what you were looking for, Mister Worf?
WORF: No, sir. There was no prison camp. Those young people are survivors of a vessel that crashed in the Carraya system four years ago. No one survived Khitomer.
PICARD: I understand.

Sometime between now and "Rightful Heir" Worf will tell Picard about this. II wonder what the point is in being cryptic here.

The Fiver

Tokath: Worf, remember E'b'nee --
Worf: -- and I-Vo'Ree. Live together?
Tokath: In perfect harmony, side by side on the piano keyboard.
Worf: Oh, Lord, why -- stop reciting these lyrics!
Tokath: It's a small wonder you didn't catch on earlier.

Well, that pun is just painful.

Ba'el: Brushing up on your Tai Chi?
Worf: This is the Mok'bara, which forms the basis for Klingon combat.
Ba'el: I have a better suggestion -- bite me.
Worf: Uhh....
Ba'el: I mean my cheek.
Gi'ral: Keep your filthy hands off my daughter, you!

"For your sake I hope you are initiating a Klingon mating ritual."

Ba'el: Is that a d'k tahg in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

This joke is overused.

Tokath: Worf must be executed, since we can't imagine....
Worf: All the people -- don't agree.
Toq: Kill him, but kill me first.
Ba'el: No, me. I'm sick of hearing all these song lyrics.

My Google Fu failed me this time. Explanation?

Data: This message comes with a Klingon emoticon.
Picard: Come again?
Data: Three beginning angles, one ending angle, a colon, and a start parenthesis.

Beginning angle? Could someone translate this one?

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil wonders why the Data and Worf plots couldn't have been split into two separate episodes. Personally I think the Worf story deserved two full episodes (intercut with the rest of the crew looking for him and dealing with a parallel Romulan plot).
* Phil questions how the cover story for the survivors will work out since these kids know almost nothing about current Klingon culture or current events.
* Wasn't a Klingon captured by the Romulans and returned without incident back in "A Matter of Honor"?

[Nate the Great]

March 29th, 1993, "Starship Mine"

Ah yes, "Die Hard in Space".

No Fiver

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 46682.4. The Enterprise is docked at the Remmler Array, where it will undergo a routine procedure to eliminate accumulated baryon particles. In preparation for the sweep, we are evacuating the ship.

I hate it when the creators take a real scientific term and reappropriate it for something else. Baryon is a real word, it means a subatomic particle with an odd number of quarks. Or put more simply, PROTONS and NEUTRONS are baryons, remove them from a starship and there's nothing left!

TROI: Captain. We're still behind schedule on decks seven and eight. Shall I tell Arkaria Base there'll be a delay?
PICARD: No. Open up the transporters in Cargo bay two and divert everyone from deck seven to there.

I wonder how long it takes to change the settings on a cargo transporter to dial up the precision to lifeform levels. And frankly all of the cargo transporters should already be in use to evacuate the ship.

CRUSHER: Captain. Arkaria Base does not have the medical storage units I have requested. I have seven living tissue samples that won't survive the baryon sweep anymore than you or I would.

You'd think Crusher would've dealt with this way before now.

PICARD: Mister Data, are you all right?
DATA: Yes, sir. I am attempting to fill a silent moment with non-relevant conversation.
PICARD: Small talk.
DATA: Yes, sir. I have found that humans often use small talk during awkward moments. Therefore, I have written a new subroutine for that purpose. How did I do?
PICARD: Perhaps it was a little too non-relevant. But if you really are interested in small talk, then you should keep your eye on Commander Hutchinson at the reception this afternoon. He's a master.

In retrospect mastering small talk seems like a necessary stepping stone to the humor that he's already tackled.

LAFORGE: Yes, sir. We've logged in five years more warp hours than most ships do in ten, so our baryon particle levels are high.

Look, I'm all for warp drive creating impurities on a ship that have to be cleaned out every so often, but you can't call them baryons!

I wonder if Voyager's redesigned warp engines negated the necessity of baryon sweeps.

PICARD: Very well. Computer, disable all command functions in thirty minutes.

And command functions have to be disabled-why?

WORF: Captain. Request permission to be excused from Commander Hutchinson's reception.
PICARD: Permission granted. I wish I could excuse myself as well.
LAFORGE: Captain, permission to be
PICARD: Mister La Forge, I cannot excuse my entire senior staff. Mister Worf beat you to it.

Ha ha. And then Worf gives the most amused and yet smug smirk.

NEIL: Where's the ODN interface?

You know, if you're going to steal from the flagship, I expect you to have every step of this theft rehearsed on the holodeck before you show up!

DATA: It is very good to see you both again. Beverly. May I call you Beverly? Beverly, have you noticed that the mean temperature here on Arkaria is slightly higher normal for human comfort levels? I have found that humans prefer a body temperature of twenty one degrees Celsius in order to operate most efficiently. However, there are several cultures who actually prefer that their body temperature is identical to the temperature of the room in which they are standing. The Sheliak, for example...

Body temperature is 37 Celsius. 21 Celsius is room temperature (about 70 Farenheit). Or rather a bit hotter than room temperature, which we usually take as 20 C or 68 F. I won't get into thermostat wars, that's a beartrap I don't care to step into.

PICARD: Then I have enough time to back to the ship and get my saddle.
TROI: Your saddle?
PICARD: Yes. A saddle is a very personal thing. It has to be broken in, used, cared for.
LAFORGE: You keep a saddle on board the Enterprise?
PICARD: Oh yes, yes. I never know when I'll have the opportunity to ride.
TROI: I see.
PICARD: It's perfectly normal. Most serious riders do have their own saddles.

After "Pen Pals" I'm surprised that Troi isn't aware of Picard's interest in horses.

DEVOR: What are you doing?
(everyone, say hi! to Tim Russ, not yet a Vulcan)

May I recommend the 1993 "Journey to the Center of the Earth" TV movie if you want to see a pre-Tuvok Russ?

(Devor makes to attack Picard with the laser, so he throws the saddle at him. They wrestle then Picard neck-pinches him unconscious)

Phil Farrand suspects that it was Picard's mindmeld with Sarek that allowed him to neck-pinch. I'm doubtful. I can't help but feel that like every other time Vulcans make skin contact, there is a telepathic component involved. Especially when you consider all the times Spock neck pinched people from species that he'd never met before. So I have no clue how Picard did that. How Data can do it requires another theory.

RIKER: Geordi, what happened to the Captain?
LAFORGE: Oh, he went back to the ship to get his saddle.
RIKER: His saddle?
LAFORGE: Any serious rider would have his own saddle.
RIKER: Oh.

Round Two for the Rule of Three. Had they tried to quadruple-dip this gag it would've backfired.

DEVOR: The baryon sweep uses a high-frequency plasma field. Your phaser won't work.
PICARD: You're probably right. But I'd like to bet this will. A laser welder can be deadly.

I have no problem with laser welders being simpler mechanically and thus still being functional, it's phasers not being able to handle a plasma field that bugs me. Come to think it of it, wouldn't a secondary beam for a phaser be a good idea? Only a single lethal setting, but using the minimal number of parts to ensure functionality in unusual situations like this?

DEVOR: You're Starfleet. You won't kill me.
PICARD: You sure?
(Picard hypos him instead)
PICARD: Seems you're right.

I'll skip the screed about Starfleet ethics regarding lethal force, but I can tell you it would've been a BIG one.

(Picard is caught trying to climb up. It's Patricia Tallman in alien makeup as Kiros)

Patricia Tallman was a regular on Babylon 5, but as SF Debris said once, her Trek work was as a stuntwoman. So I wouldn't get attached to her.

HUTCH: That's fascinating. Not too many people know this, but Tyrellia is one of only three known inhabited worlds without a magnetic pole.
DATA: I was aware of that. But are you aware that Tyrellia is one of seven known planets with no atmosphere whatsoever.

No magnetic pole? If there's a molten metal core there HAS to be a magnetic field around the planet. Furthermore, I have to think that a magnetic field is necessary for proper weather patterns to maintain Class M conditions.

No atmosphere whatsoever? Not so rare, but if we're talking about inhabited worlds it narrows things down significantly. I can't imagine the inhabitants are anywhere near humanoid, they'd have to be closer to the Companion or a Horta.

TROI: They're still at it.
RIKER: Non-stop. I have to admit it has a certain strange fascination. How long can two people talk about nothing?

Eight years if Seinfeld is to be believed.

NEIL: Okay. That should do it. I think.
KELSEY: (did I mention she's a redhead?) Be sure, Neil.

Hey Chakoteya, what does her being a redhead have to do with ANYTHING? Are you sharing a fetish, tapping into a cliche, or what?

[Nate the Great]

KELSEY: Who are you?
PICARD: My name is Mot. I'm the barber.

Mot actually only made two on-screen appearances (three if you count cut scenes), which surprised me. There were a few other Bolian barbers seen in other episodes, it's unknown if any of them were supposed to be Mot.

TROI: They haven't tried to communicate with the outside.
RIKER: No demands, no political statements, no theft. They must want something.

I can't imagine anything here is worthy of theft (except Data, of course). I can't imagine how this would be a good chance to make a political statement. So blackmail or ransom would be the obvious reason.

CRUSHER: I've adjusted the optical transducer in his visor to block some of the pain receptors in his brain.

For once the Treknobabble makes sense. A transducer is something that converts energy from one form into another. All sound devices, antennas, and sensors contain them.

How Crusher did this without tools is a surprise. I can't imagine that the VISOR has styluses stored inside to manipulate the circuitry.

PICARD: I would rather destroy the ship than allow that material to fall into the hands of terrorists.
KELSEY: What makes you think I'm a terrorist?
PICARD: Trilithium resin is a highly toxic waste product produced by our engines.
PICARD [OC]: It's only possible use could be as a weapon.

That's sure the only use that Sisko found for it.

KIROS [OC]: I have Mott.
KELSEY: Is he alive?
KIROS [OC]: Yes.

I think you mean, "Who's Mott? We're looking for Mot!" Sorry, but after his earlier quips I had to take a potshot at Chakoteya.

KELSEY: I'm not a terrorist Captain, nor do I have a political agenda, although I know some people who do have agendas. And they are very interested in this little container.
PICARD: Profit. This is all about profit.
KELSEY: I prefer to think of it as commerce.

The whole "I prefer to call it something not quite as offensive" thing is a cliche that needs to be eliminated from the writer's handbook. There's only so many ways to do it well, and that usually requires a pun or other double-meaning. You can't play it straight anymore and extract any entertainment from it.

WORF: Captain, you keep a saddle on board?
RIKER: Mister Worf, I'm surprised at you.
CRUSHER: Anyone who is an experienced rider naturally has his own saddle.
TROI: It's perfectly normal.

Actually, of anyone on board I would expect Worf to understand the importance of a saddle. Klingons would have their own equivalent to a horse that is still used in battles, wouldn't they?

Memory Alpha

* It's pointed out that Archer and McCoy also failed to learn the nerve pinch post mind-meld.
* The difference between the trilithium of Generations and the trilithium resin of this episode is discussed.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Why doesn't Picard head for a shuttlebay or the Captain's Yacht? In the Yacht's (AKA the Callipso's) case I would have to imagine that the launch sequence requires a lot more assistance from outside to undock the ship.
* Phil is confused about the humor from Worf's final "of course", his only theory is that it's a Mr. Ed joke. It's just Worf being deadpan and going along with his captain, you don't need to overthink it, Phil!
* The Tarellians are mentioned, a race that was last seen in "Haven" and consisting of a small group of Typhoid Marys that Wyatt was trying to help. I'll have to assume that they're not the same race.
* Someone messed up the digits in the stardate, because otherwise somehow Worf escaped the Romulan prison camp for one mission before being sent back.
* One of the weapons the thieves used is a Varon T disruptor, last seen in "The Most Toys" as something that only one of exists outside of Fajo's collection. It's a surprise that a common thief would be using such a weapon for a simple theft.

[NAHTMMM]

Originally Posted by Nate the Great

Ba'el: Is that a d'k tahg in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

This joke is overused.

Agreed.

Tokath: Worf must be executed, since we can't imagine....
Worf: All the people -- don't agree.
Toq: Kill him, but kill me first.
Ba'el: No, me. I'm sick of hearing all these song lyrics.

My Google Fu failed me this time. Explanation?

You've never Imagined all the people living lives in pe-e-e-eeace?

Data: This message comes with a Klingon emoticon.
Picard: Come again?
Data: Three beginning angles, one ending angle, a colon, and a start parenthesis.

Beginning angle? Could someone translate this one?

Pointy brackets, I presume. <<<>

[Nate the Great]

April 3rd, 1993, "Lessons"

I have a big problem with the entire premise of this episode. Picard should know better. Furthermore, this isn't like Troi and Riker, you can't dangle the Picard/Crusher carrot for this long and still act like they can date other people. Vash was an unusual situation, Jenice Manheim was an unusual situation.

"But, Nate!" I hear you cry. "They still had to work out their guilt and discomfort from Jack's death!" Sorry, no dice. It was made perfectly clear that all of the guilt was on Picard's side. Even at Farpoint Crusher considered him a friend. Had they not bee in the same chain of command she probably would've accepted a date offer five years ago!

DATA: I'm sorry, sir, but Stellar Cartography has requested a communications blackout while they run an experiment.

This needed to be explained better. All that we needed was a sentence about how why this is necessary, perhaps they're pushing the sensor range and want as little interference as possible.

PICARD: Computer, display the latest excavation schematics on Landris Two.
COMPUTER: Library computer is temporarily offline.
PICARD: Explain.
COMPUTER: Library systems have been allocated to Stellar Cartography.

What? There are THREE computer cores for a reason! If you're telling me that pushing the long-range sensors requires all three cores I'm going to laugh you out of the room!

And frankly, the bridge should have a dedicated mini-core for the exclusive use of the senior staff.

PICARD: Tea, Earl Grey. Hot.
COMPUTER: Replicator systems are offline at the request of
PICARD + COMPUTER: Stellar Cartography.

Now this is just being mean. The processor power occupied by the replicators is a drop in the bucket. Furthermore, turning of the Captain's replicator without the Captain's permission sounds like a court-martial offense to me!

NELLA: In or out, just close that door. And don't move. It'll take a second for our eyes to re-adjust.

You do know that aren't any actual optical telescopes on the Enterprise, right? You're turning off the lights for no reason!

NELLA: Forget it. Lights. Whoever you are, you just ruined four hours of work.
PICARD: You might have taken the simple precaution of locking the door.
NELLA: It's three o'clock in the morning. Captain Picard.

And? The Romulans aren't going to wait for "daytime" on the Enterprise to attack! People will be walking back and forth 24/7.

For that matter, how did Picard ruin four hours of work? Don't even think of telling me that they're using camera film that's easy to overexpose!

NELLA: Earl Grey? No wonder you can't sleep. Computer, bring replicators back online and give me a cup of Daren herbal tea blend number three, hot. You shouldn't be drinking a stimulant at this time of night. I think you'll like this.

I'm really getting annoyed by the implication that you have to specify hot tea. Only blends of tea that can plausibly be served hot or cold should need the clarification.

(Picard tries it and pulls a face, but anyone who can drink hot Bergamot shouldn't criticise other blends)

This is no time for editorializing, Chakoteya!

NELLA: I'm sorry if the system blackouts we requested inconvenienced you. We're taking very precise gravimetric readings. It wouldn't have taken much to throw them off.

Yeah, I don't buy it. The whole point of gravity is that it's not thrown off so easily.

(Picard is listening to the 3rd Brandenburg with an unfamiliar instrument in it, when the doorbell chimes)

Written by Bach, the Brandenburg Concerto No. 3 sounds rather middle-of-the-road in terms of classical music. I hesitate to say "boring", but certainly "unadventurous."

NELLA: What kind of flute is that?
PICARD: It's Ressikan.
NELLA: I've never saw one before.
PICARD: They're not made anymore.

Oh come on, there have to be Ferengi knockoffs by now. Incidentally, considering that this thing is one of a kind, shouldn't it be in a museum by now?

PICARD: There isn't a piano.
NELLA: Ah, but there is.
(she unrolls a keyboard on the coffee table)

You shouldn't be surprised to learn that the "rolled" version of the piano is a different prop from the "flat" version. I don't doubt that such an instrument would be useful aboard ship. Would anyone really pay to ship a full-sized grand piano to their quarters?

(she plays Frere Jacque and they do the roundel)

A roundel is a poem that cycles.

NELLA: Tell me, have you known him long?
CRUSHER: Yes, a very long time.

She's known Picard since at least 2348 when she married Jack. I'd say that twenty years counts as "a very long time".

NELLA: He seems somewhat isolated.
CRUSHER: I'd say he's a very private person, but not isolated.

Just because he's isolated from the Enterprise crew doesn't mean that he doesn't have friends. We've seen that he knows most of the archeologists in the Federation and has any number of exgirlfriends running around out there.

NELLA: Do you know where we are?
PICARD: Yes, this is the fourth intersect in Jefferies tube twenty five.

Please tell me he snuck a glance at a panel to say this. If you're going to tell me that people in the future can memorize every Jefferies Tube junction on the ship I'm going to call you crazy.

NELLA: No, this is the most acoustically perfect spot on the ship.
(she starts up the Moonlight Sonata on her keyboard)

The Moonlight Sonata was written by Beethoven in 1801.

(he plays what seems like a variation of the Skye Boat song)

I've covered the similarities between the Skye Boat song and "The Inner Light" before, but it seems odd that Chakoteya wouldn't just say "The Inner Light." Aside from one stanza the two songs aren't really that similar anyway.

(Geordi can hear the music, and goes into the main Jefferies tube access to investigate)
DATA: Is there a problem, Geordi?
LAFORGE: I hear music.
DATA: Music? I do not hear anything.
LAFORGE: Are you sure? I know I heard something. Oh, it's stopped.
(because the musicians are kissing)

Why can't Data hear the music?

NELLA: I'd heard about Kerelian tenors all my life, but nothing could've prepared me for this man's voice.

Only mention of Kerelians. Insert another request for a TOS reference. This time I would expect the Platonians or similar.

PICARD: Sit down, Counsellor. I want to talk to you about a matter of protocol. I know there are no Starfleet regulations about a Captain becoming involved with a fellow officer, but--

There isn't? That's another screed that could be written!

TROI: That's true. But cutting yourself off from your feelings can carry consequences that are just as serious.
PICARD: You seem I've always believed that becoming involved with someone under my command would compromise my objectivity. And yet...

And yet...what? The tradition exists for a reason and you're going to prove why! That's one place where this episode falls short, it doesn't really do a good job showing all sides of an issue.

TROI: Captain, are you asking my permission?
PICARD: If I were, would you give it?
TROI: Yes.

If anything I would want Beverly's permission! This is one place where the "ship's counselor as member of senior staff" thing falls apart. Kirk asked Spock and McCoy for advice as friends, and it really seems like Picard isn't doing the same thing with Troi here.

RIKER: It's about Lieutenant Commander Daren. As a department head, she comes to me for systems allocation, personnel transfers, things like that. I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable with her requests.
PICARD: Because of her relationship with me?
RIKER: Yes, sir.
PICARD: Are her requests unusual?
RIKER: No.
PICARD: Would you say that she's just trying to do her job?
RIKER: Yes, sir.
PICARD: Then let her do it, and feel free to do yours.

Like SF Debris said, Riker is acting wimpy here. If Nella HAD made an unreasonable request (i.e. playing the Picard card), that would be one thing. But here Riker is acting quite wimpy, totally unlike the guy who stared down a Borg cube and saved the Alpha Quadrant.

NELLA: What about that special dessert you promised me?
PICARD: Right. Now this is something that I first tasted on Thelka Four--

Yet another solo reference. I'm a little shocked that one of the novels hasn't covered Picard's visit to Thelka IV.

(a different one, with Guy Vardeman at the transporter controls)

Guy Vardaman was a bit player in TNG, often as a shooting double for Spiner. After TNG ended he worked on startrek.com for a few years and also a Trek magazine. I wonder if Chakoteya is a fan.

Memory Alpha

* The prop guys messed up the key layout for the portable piano, the expert they brought in almost had a fit about it.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Where did Daren get the phasers that she used on the storm? She wasn't carrying one when she beamed down.
* Why couldn't Nella be a civilian scientist like Keiko?

[Nate the Great]

April 26th, 1993, "The Chase"

Ah yes, the episode that should've either been expanded into two episodes or ditched the assembled aliens.

No fiver

The Episode

Captain's log, Stardate 46731.5. We are in the midst of the Volterra nebula, a stellar nursery. Our three week mission is a routine analysis of several dozen protostars in various stages of development.

Grrr. I get that the Enterprise is a great all-purpose mobile laboratory, but the flagship should never be doing three-week missions floating around a nebula. This is prime science vessel territory.

DATA: Captain, I have completed the spectral evaluation of the outer shell. Our survey of this protostar is complete.
PICARD: Ensign, lay in a course to the next one, three quarters impulse.

I'm going to be generous and say that they need to clear the protostar's gravity well before they can engage warp. Even so, I do question why three-quarters impulse would be safer than full impulse in this case.

PICARD: Green polychrome over the eyes, and the eyes themselves are closed. This is third Dynasty. From the workshop of the Master of Tarquin Hill.
GALEN: Well done.

Memory Beta says that the Master of Tarquin Hill was a Trill and that Kurl was a Trill colony world. Well, that's weird. Sorry, but I don't buy the Trill being a warp-capable race for over a thousand years.

GALEN: Go ahead.
PICARD: You mean it's complete?
(Picard raises the top half of the pot to reveal a cluster of little pots inside it)

I still remember Picard's facial expression when he reveals the inner statues.

PICARD: Will, the Kurlan civilisation believed that an individual was a community of individuals. Inside us are many voices, each with its own desires, its own style, its own view of the world.

I like to think that this isn't supposed to refer to multiple personality disorder, just that our personalities get compartmentalized into various roles. We all have our "work self", "school self", "family self", etc. Some people have more trouble than others switching between these mindsets.

Captain's log, supplemental. It's been over thirty years since I last saw my archaeology professor.

Picard graduated in 2327. It's now 2369. Assuming that he was Galen's student at the Academy, that's more like forty years. Oops. Unless you're going to try to convince me that he went back for more classes at a later date.

GALEN: Are you familiar with micropaleontology?
PICARD: Yes, it's the study of fossil records at the microscopic level.

Once you get microscopic, I'm not sure you can call it "paleontology" anymore. A different branch of historical biology, perhaps.

PICARD: I'm deeply honoured that you'd think of me, but I have responsibilities.
GALEN: To History. What if you could have helped Schliemann discover the City of Troy, or been with M'Tell as she first stepped on Ya'Seem.

Heinrich Schliemann was a German businessman in the nineteenth century. As an archaeologist he was an amateur, focusing on ancient Mediterranean civilizations in particular and the Greek sites mentioned by Homer in particular. Prior to his work people were looking in the wrong spot for the ancient city of Troy. He found another incorrect Troy before finding the real one.

I actually remember Schliemann for something other than Troy. Louisa May Alcott mentions him in the concluding paragraphs of her Little Women book series:

It is a strong temptation to the weary historian to close the present tale with an earthquake which should engulf Plumfield and its environs so deeply in the bowels of the earth that no youthful Schliemann could ever find a vestige of it.

PICARD: I couldn't leave the Enterprise. But the offer raised in me certain feelings of regret.
CRUSHER: That you could have been an archaeologist and not a starship Captain?
PICARD: No, not really. I'm not sorry for the path I chose.

As SF Debris says, it's good that they didn't go down this cliched path. The Road Not Taken is a screenwriting crutch that is rarely used well.

Although it does make you wonder why the Atlantis Project was so tempting to him, that's not his area of science.

GALEN: You're like some Roman centurion out patrolling the provinces, maintenancing a dull and bloated Empire.

I'm not sure how well this metaphor works. There's a screed to be had here, but I won't be writing one.

WORF: A Yridian destroyer.

A Yridian destroyer? Those weak information merchants who would collapse in a stiff breeze? THEY built a warship?

TROI: I meant, how's it going with you?
PICARD: If I had gone with him.

You would've died, too. Maybe you're a better pilot and gunner than Galen was, but at best you would've bought a bit more time. Not enough to save Galen.

PICARD: Counsellor, this is not simply a case of me taking the Enterprise and its crew on some wild goose chase to purge myself of guilt and remorse. I will not let Galen's death to be in vain. Now, if that means inconveniencing a few squabbling delegates for a few days, then so be it. I will take the full responsibility.

Y'know for someone with Picard's skill as a mediator, this is a little cold-blooded.

PICARD: There's only one planet in the Kurlan system capable of supporting life. Loren Three.

You do realize that planets capable of supporting life NOW aren't necessarily able to support life billions of years ago, and vice-versa, right?

OCETT [on viewscreen]: My name is Gul Ocett. Identify yourselves and state your business in this star system.
(tara ra boom di ay - it's Linda Thorsen under the latex)

Chakoteya must be a fan of The Avengers, she was Steed's companion afterD Diana Rigg (Emma Peel) left.

RIKER: We used the inertial dampers to simulate complete shield failure.

I have no idea how this is supposed to work given my expertiese in Treknology.

PICARD: The programme has been activated. I think it's reconfiguring the tricorder.
NU'DAQ: We die together, Brother. Tash Koh Tah.
PICARD: It's modifying the emitter diode to project something.

Yeah, this is complete nonsense.

(the tricorder projects a hologram. It's Salome Jens in a blank latex head, the first but not the last she will wear on Trek)

It's sad how many people think that the Progenitors HAVE to be related to the Founders due to the recycled actress.

ROMULAN [on monitor]: Captain, my ships are leaving orbit for Romulan space. Until our next encounter.
PICARD: Until then.
ROMULAN [on monitor]: It would seem that we are not completely dissimilar after all, in our hopes, or in our fears.
PICARD: Yes.
ROMULAN [on monitor]: Well, then. Perhaps, one day.
PICARD: One day.

As stated on the Heartwarming page over at TV Tropes, this bit can tie back to "The Defector" and even "Balance of Terror". "In another reality, I could have called you friend."

Memory Alpha

* Ronald Moore considered making it explicit that the Progenitors were the Preservers, but decided to not make it direct. It was made clear in the novel Federation and the Shatnerverse, neither of which will remotely fit into even the regular novelverse canon. Star Trek Online finally made it explicit, for whatever definition of "canon" you want to apply to STO.
* Ocett is the only female Gul ever seen in canon.
* This is the first time Klingons, Romulans, and Cardassians were in the same episode.
* Picard discarding the naiskos in Generations was mentioned. I must admit that it seems odd that something as fragile as the naiskos was kept on the ship. At least the Mintakan tapestry he kept on his chair was more durable than a clay statue.

Nitpicker's Guide

* In "Lessons" the stars outside Picard's quarters moved towards the ship (i.e. his quarters are near the bow). In this episode the stars move across the window (i.e. his quarters are on the starboard side). Phil suspects that after the Nella Darren fiasco Picard had to change quarters.
* Wouldn't the Federation have laws against plundering ruins? The naiskos really do belong in a museum after all. Of course, this observation made me imagine Picard in Indiana Jones clothese, hehe.
* The odds against all of the races occupying the area seeded by the Projenitors having the same technology level is incredible.
* Salome Jens' projection has a shadow! This isn't likely to be a solid hologram, after all.

[Nate the Great]

May 3rd, 1993, "Frame of Mind"

Oh, this is going to hurt. Like I've said many times, I don't like plots where people are thought to be crazy.

Fiver by Scott Z

The Episode

CRUSHER: No. Why don't we take a break for tonight? I think we've made a lot of progress.
RIKER: I'm still not comfortable with that final speech.
CRUSHER: There's such a thing as over-rehearsing, Will. You're going to be fine.

Oh boy, can I concur. When you study for too long the law of diminishing returns DEFINITELY kicks in and you're just wasting time.

RIKER: Maybe I'm just not right for this part.
DATA: Most humanoids have the potential to be irrational. Perhaps you should attempt to access that part of your psyche.

It's too late in the series for Data to be this literal. There are people who can put on the coat of irrationality and take it off later without problem and there are others who can't.

I'm reminded of an interview that Gene Roddenberry had with DeForest Kelley. De talks about how his persona blends with every role he plays. If he played Jack the Ripper he'd be influenced by that persona while playing the part, but he could still drop the influence when the role is over.

RIKER: Tilonus Four? Didn't their government just collapse?
PICARD: It's in a state of total anarchy. When the Prime Minister was assassinated, a Federation research team was on the planet. It's believed that they were forced into hiding. Your mission will be to locate and to evacuate them.

Ugh. As I've said before it's crazy every time they imply that Starfleet Security can't secure ONE BUILDING. Furthermore this research team should have a shuttle in orbit for a quick beamaway when necessary.

PICARD: Apparently, some of the factions have resorted to torture to gather their information. Well, a Starfleet research team would be a prime target.
RIKER: Then I'll have to go down there alone, undercover.
PICARD: Agreed.

Really? Why is that? Not even a two-man team would work? For that matter, why is Riker a better choice than Worf for this mission?

TROI: Sometimes it's healthy to explore the darker sides of the psyche. Jung called it owning your own shadow. This could be a sign that you're a real actor. This is becoming more than just a role to you.
RIKER: Maybe you're right.
TROI: Don't be afraid of your darker side. Have fun with it.

Oh boy, how often has THAT backfired in Trek? "Darkling" springs to mind immediately.

RIKER: No, I'll check them tomorrow. I'm going to bed early. The performance is tomorrow night. I want to be up for it.
TROI: I'm looking forward to it. Break a leg.

I thought I knew the origin of the expression, but I guess not. Either the idea is using reverse psychology to trick a curse into a blessing, or it's based on a pun in Yiddish. Whatever.

RIKER: Now, if what you say is true, where am I?
SYRUS: You're in Ward forty seven of the Tilonus Institute for Mental Disorders.

This might be the most obvious 47 that I've ever seen.

JAYA: I hear you're a Starfleet officer. I'm Commander Bloom from the Yorktown. There are at least a dozen of us here, maybe more. We were kidnapped, brought here against our will. Sanders was on the Yosemite. They did something to his mind. I think they're trying to get neurochemicals from our brains. Stafko was with me on the Yorktown. I don't know what they did to him. We're going to get out of here. I've made a communicator.
RIKER: You have?
JAYA: Yes. There are three starships in orbit. They're going to beam us out of here any day now. I'll tell them to get you out, too. (into spoon) Lieutenant Bloom to Yorktown. Come in, Yorktown. I've made contact with another officer.

I would be suspicious at this turn of events. In the real world there's no way a mentally ill person could create a story that cohesive and long.

At this point the Yorktown is a Zodiac-class ship, NCC-61137. The Yosemite is Oberth-class, NCC-19002.

And the rest of the episode can be ignored because it's just Riker bouncing back and forth doubting his own sanity. I HATE those kind of plots.

I've already said that I don't revisit shows like Equinox and Course: Oblivion. Shows where the characters are suffering, suffering, suffering with no reprieve is NOT ENTERTAINMENT to me.

The Fiver

Picard: Some of the factions on Tilonus IV have resorted to torture to gain their information.
Riker: You mean...?
Picard: I'm afraid so. They've started airing reruns from the Home Shopping Network archives.
Riker: I feel faint....

Wow, you can really tell the fiver was written in 2001. We could come up with way more painful forms of farcical torture these days.

Mavek: Dr. Syrus thought you might enjoy some time in the common area.
Riker: Why, what goes on there?
Mavek: We throw you nutcases together in a room and take bets on which one's the craziest.
Riker: Sounds good. I'll put twenty bars of latinum down on the one who's going to end up playing the Borg Queen.

My first question is "which Borg Queen?" Apparently it's Suzanna Thompson, the Voyager Borg Queen actress (not counting the finale when First Contact Alice Kringe stole her thunder, of course).

Riker: To demonstrate my sheer strength, I will now tear down this set with my bare hands.
Crusher: Quick, Deanna, get the holocamera!
Troi: Why?
Crusher: (morphing into Syrus) I want to capture the look on his face when he discovers this really is an asylum. Muahahahahaha....

NOT FUNNY.

Nitpicker's Guide

* If Riker was surgically altered to look like a local, why is he human in the asylum?
* Why wasn't a subcutaneous transponder used for this mission?

[Nate the Great]

May 10th, 1993, "Suspicions"

Fiver by Derek

The Episode

CRUSHER: You'd better go to Sickbay. I think Doctor Selar's on duty.

Selar really got the shaft in TNG. The planned romance arc with Worf never would've worked, but there were other things that she could've done. Furthermore, I'm insulted at the idea at the time that you can't recycle actors. DS9 did it all the time and nobody complained. Selar and K'Ehleyr were completely different people.

CRUSHER: That's why I went to the Altine Conference. I'd heard about a new subspace technology developed by a Ferengi, a Doctor Reyga.
GUINAN: A Ferengi scientist. Hmm.
CRUSHER: His invention was based on metaphasic fields, but his methodology was completely unorthodox.

I'm all for characters having interests beyond their profession, but this one never made much sense. Her interests in the theatre or dancing made sense, this one doesn't. I suppose as someone who likes to command the ship every so often she'd me more up to date on the latest tech than Troi or Guinan would, but that still doesn't translate.

I do like Doctor Reyga, though. It's always good to see Ferengi that aren't driven by profit.

CRUSHER: Yes. I hoped I could be a facilitator. I thought if I invited scientists from various cultures to board the Enterprise, I could sit them and down help them understand the value of his ideas.
GUINAN: Like a scientific diplomat.

I'm curious about how Crusher has the "pull" to assemble these scientists. It stands to reason that in the scientific community she would be more well-known than Pulaski or Selar, but not to this level. It's sad to think that these guys are using her to get more widespread recognition. Not everyone gets to do experiments on the Enterprise, after all.

CRUSHER [OC]: Kurak was a warp field specialist on the Klingon Homeworld. I don't think Klingons regard scientists very highly. She always seemed a little defensive.

This seems odd. I wouldn't expect Klingons to respect ALL scientists, but anything to do with starship engineering would be the exception, wouldn't it? If you can make the ships go faster or use less power for speed that could be diverted to weapons, that would be something worth honoring.

CRUSHER: Doctor Reyga has offered to demonstrate his invention. He's outfitted one of our shuttles with his metaphasic shield.
REYGA: I will take it into the corona of the star Vaytan.
CHRISTOPHER: That star has a superdense corona. The shuttle would be subjected to particularly intense radiation. Perhaps it would be wise to choose a star of lesser magnitude.
T'PAN: I agree. My own research into solar energy transfer suggests that Vaytan's corona is extremely unstable.
REYGA: What better way to test my invention? I'm not concerned. The shield will hold.

Yeah, this seems foolhardy. There has to be a "safer" (in whatever context you could apply that word in this situation) star around.

REYGA: Well, if there's anything I'm used to, it's scepticism. After all, a Ferengi scientist is almost a contradiction in terms. No, don't deny it. I know how the Ferengi are regarded.

Thank goodness that we're not going to bother with this plot point beyond acknowledging it. Far too much time could've been wasted on the Ferengi proving himself as a legitimate scientist.

For that matter, why would engineering be something that the Ferengi look down on? You need ships to reach potential customers, and getting there faster would mean getting an edge on your competition. If anything I would expect a Ferengi from a rival science coalition to be sneaking around trying to sabotage or steal the prototype shuttle.

JO'BRIL [on viewscreen]: I am one million kilometres from the star's corona. Proceeding at three quarters impulse. I should reach it in approximately three minutes.

I was about to do the math, but the Memory Alpha page for Impulse Engine did it for me. The speed he's quoting is an order of magnitude smaller than the "full impulse=1/4 times the speed of light" standard used elsewhere in the TNG era. Oops.

RIKER: What's going on, Mister Data?
DATA: Sensors indicate an increased level of baryon particles in the cabin.
REYGA: No! That's not possible.

"Baryon" just means "protons and neutrons". Trek uses the term wrong all the time. I don't understand how an increased heat or radiation level would spontaneously create atomic nuclei.

CRUSHER: I mean, I've lost patients before.
GUINAN: But this was different.
CRUSHER: Mmm.
GUINAN: You know, when you're a doctor and you have patients, you're in control. But when you send someone out on a mission, all you can do is sit and watch.
CRUSHER: That's what I felt. Helpless.

It occurs to me that this whole plotline would've worked better with Pulaski. Crusher has command training, which would've included the same "be able to order someone to die" stuff that Troi had to go through. Pulaski never went through that training.

CRUSHER: I've never run into a humanoid species like this before. His internal physiology's baffling. He doesn't seem to have any discrete organs, at least not in the traditional sense. Practically every system is equally distributed throughout the body. That kind of physiology should make him incredibly resistant to injury, so whatever killed him must have occurred at the cellular level.

This seems odd. Jo'Bril's species (the Takarans) aren't Federation members, so why did Crusher invite him in the first place? And even if it made sense to invite him, Crusher would've insisted on doing complete scans in case something went wrong. She should've been more prepared. This also reflects on McCoy's lack of medical knowledge of Klingons in the Undiscovered Country, but that's a whole other screed.

PICARD: Beverly. I'm afraid there will be no autopsy. The family has already been contacted. They insist that the body must not be touched until they perform the Ferengi death ritual.

I'll skip the Divine Treasury/dessicated disc stuff that hasn't been invented yet. My question is why Crusher can't ask to perform an autopsy on what's left of him AFTER the death ritual.

CRUSHER: Don't worry. I know I'm not supposed to be here. I'll go.
OGAWA: Computer, access autopsy files.
OGAWA: I assume you'll need the files on Doctor Reyga and Jo'Bril?
CRUSHER: Alyssa.
OGAWA: I can

see how important this is to you.
CRUSHER: I don't want you to get involved in this.
OGAWA: Is that an order, Doctor?
CRUSHER: Yes.
OGAWA: Too bad you're not my boss now.

Thank goodness they didn't waste time on Ogawa's mutiny. STIV already said everything that needed to be said.

JO'BRIL: I'm sending out a transient subspace signal. It will obscure the shuttle from the Enterprise sensors and they will interpret it as a warp engine breach. They will believe that you have been destroyed. I'd like to thank you, Doctor.

While I have no doubt that a warp core breach would have an effect on subspace, I think there are other things that will be absent in this fakery. Radiation from a massive matter-antimatter reaction, for one thing. Plus that whole lack of debris thing.

Chief Medical Officer's log, stardate 46831.2. I have been reinstated and I will be resuming my duties shortly.

What? You still defiled Reyga's body and defied orders! All loose ends cannot possibly be tied up this easily. At least do something akin to Riker in "The Pegasus" and say that there's going to be more investigation offscreen. Maybe a demotion to Lieutenant Commander and having to be recertified as a Bridge officer in a future episode.