Seventh Novel Fiver: Incident at Arbuk

[NAHTMMM]

Finally, a VOY novel! Of those I've read, my favorite VOY novels are The Murdered Sun and this. Neither is on the level of, say, Q-Squared by any stretch, but both are fun reads (if you happen to think reading VOY stories is fun). So what I'm getting at is, you may not want to read this until you've read the actual book.

Also, this was started (as with previously published fivers) a loooong time ago. Just in case it wasn't obvious.



Incident at Arbuk by John Betancourt

Janeway gives Harry a promotion just to shut Sozoas up. Chakotay appears on Fear Factor. The crew must survive an identity crisis to learn the answer to the age-old question, “Who would win in a debate between Evil Tuvok and a Sperian?”


Kim: Picking up a faint distress signal.
Tuvok: Good work, Ensign.
Kim: Ooo, do I get a cookie?
Tuvok: Er, perhaps later.
Alien: (on viewscreen) AIbaalnodnoenh aalvle heospcea ypee wdhtoo ctoemlel htehreee . . .
Janeway: He acts like he's in trouble.
Kim: Or maybe . . . do you think he wants a cookie, too?

Alien: (on viewscreen) NTyhaehr ney'saahw, Wooromdhboolye ltiokEeasr Ctohfofveeer Gtihrelr, WeofoodoblosyN loiwksecsr CaomfsfoeIec Gainrdli, Weoiondpbeoayc lei—Ggaakk!
Chakotay: Is it paranoia, or am I being made fun of yet again?
Tuvok: Computer analysis suggests a form of doubletalk.
Janeway: So it’s probably double-crossing us?
Tuvok: I meant a form of alternative doubletalk, Captain.
Janeway: But what is it saying?
Kim: Umm, maybe that some guy named Harry Kim is long overdue for a promotion?
Janeway: Well, that’s an interesting idea. Yes, I think that could work. “Harry Kim Bobblehead Doll Night”, it has a ring to it, don’t you think?

Janeway: What can you tell us about this alien, Neelix?
Neelix: It's a Sperian. Their Defining Alien Trait is their love of arguments.
Alien: (over the comm) Is not!
Janeway: Ah, we've established communications with the alien. Good.
Alien: (over the comm) You have not.
Janeway: Then how can we hear, let alone understand, each other?
Alien: (over the comm) . . . Mass hallucination?

Ensign Dvorak: The aliens' humongous bubbly space-city is in really bad shape. And all the aliens aboard are dead.
Janeway: Whoa. How could that have possibly happened?
Humongous Space-Tube: Umm . . . would you believe gremlins?
Janeway: Mmmmaybe. How many gremlins were involv—
(FWOOOOOOSH-WHAM!)
Humongous Bubbly Space-City: AARRRRRRGH!
Humongous Space-Tube: . . . would you believe hay fever?

Neelix: I wanna loot the debris.
Janeway: Okay.
Ensign Fairman: Hey! Where's my subplot about conquering the ship with blueberry pancakes?
Kes: Probably the same place I am. I'll let you know if I see it.

Captain's Log: We've beamed the alien to sickbay, but it's in a deep coma. The Doctor insists that it was unconscious before coming aboard, but I suspect it was the sight of him that sent the poor thing into la-la land. I'm going down there to find out right now.

Janeway: Wake the alien up.
EMH: I'm sorry, it would be a violation of my ethical programming to impersonate an alarm clock.
Janeway: Do it anyway.
EMH: Okay. (injects the alien with psychoactive drugs) . . . Sorry, didn't work. Want a consolation prize? All the crew have been dropping their Ensign Kim bobblehead dolls off here . . .

Ensign Wong: Good morning, Harry.
Kim: …Do I know you?

EMH: I’m bored. I think I’ll practice my “Minor Memory Lapses” subroutine.
Tuvok: Doctor, I must mind meld with the alien.
EMH: It could be dangerous and stuff.
Tuvok: Let me do it anyway.
EMH: Okay.
Tuvok: First I need you to sign this Medical Mind Meld Release Form to verify by your perfect computer memory that the meld will not be performed under ridiculously dangerous circumstances, such as dementia, psychoactive drugs, listening to Mariah Carey songs—
EMH: Yes, yes, I know the deal. Give me the form and I'll sign it.

Tuvok/Sozoas: Whoa, trippy, dude.
EMH: Bad Tuvok! Bad! One "Tuvix" storyline is more than enough! (injects Tuvok with mushrooms)

Janeway: Face it, Tuvok, you’re mentally disturbed.
Tuvok: I know you are, but what am I?

EMH: The effects of the mind meld should probably wear off over time. For the moment, you've got a bearable Sperian and a cranky Vulcan. I suggest you take advantage.
Janeway: You mean by getting as much cooperation out of Sozoas as possible?
EMH: I was thinking more of blackmail recordings of Tuvok, but suit yourself.