Bob Runs for Presidency! - Woo-hoo!

[NAHTMMM]

[color=#000000ost_uid0][quoteost_uid0][bost_uid0]Bob Joins the Presidential Race

Announces radical campaign platform[/bost_uid0]


SAN DIEGO, CA (AP)-- Bob the Tribble threw his hat in the presidential pool with a splash today, announcing his intention to run in the 2004 presidential elections.

Speaking through a human interpreter at an outdoor press conference, Bob proclaimed his love for the United States and his desire to make it better. "Such wonderful restaurants and grocery chains we have, it's a shame really that some of the other parts of the country aren't quite up to snuff.

"...I want to do my part to make this great nation the greatest it can be. It's the least I can do to express my gratitude for the opportunities I've been given over the years."

Asked what entrepreneurial success he was referring to, Bob replied, "Ontro-po-what? You mean, like starting a business? I'm talking about all the pie-eating contests I've entered in the past. Mmm-mmm, cherry pie!"

One would expect aliens such as tribbles to be barred from running by the requirement that candidates for the presidency be natural-born citizens of the United States. Bob, however, was born in Podunk, Kansas to a poor corn farmer tribble who immigrated to the U.S. via California in the late 1960's. He also has had several courts rule that he is indeed old enough in tribble years to be President. He will be running on the Caput Party ticket. The Caput Party may be ever-so-microscopically better-known to the public under its previous name, the Copout Party. The party changed names on the 28th of March when its originator and only confirmed human member, a shadowy, ill-known weirdo who goes by the pseudonym of "NAHTMMM", had a "fit of inspiration" as to what his party "should really be called". A running mate had not been announced at the time this story went to print.

Bob also took the opportunity to outline his campaign platform. Much of it coincides with that of the Caput Party, but Bob made it clear that he is his own man--er, own tribble--and that he has ideas of his own.

"I promise a balanced budget every year of my term if I am elected," he boldly proclaimed. "When the budget bill reaches me, I will go through page by page, line by line, looking for porkbarrel legislation. Any pork I find will be eaten by myself immediately, personally, and with extreme prejudice. Mmmm, pork..."

If that take on the usual pledge of responsible spending seems rather unusual, consider Bob's reaction to questions about Iraq. As might be expected of a candidate who lacks the initials "G.W.B.", he criticized Bush's handling of the situation. But there he and such luminaries as John Kerry diverged sharply.

"If I am president, I'll see to it that we find the WMD's. We'll find them if I have to go to Iraq personally, sniff them out, and devour them one by one, if that's what it takes to protect the innocent citizens of this country. Er, and the guilty ones too. Of course. Not that there's anything wrong with that...." Here Bob seemed to become rather flustered. He was brought up short by a chirp from another tribble who had been sitting quietly off to the side on an overturned dog food bowl, holding aloft a red-white-and-blue sign that read "Elect a fuzzball, not a slimeball!". Upon hearing the chirp Bob seemed to fidget for a moment, then apologized for rambling before continuing to speak.

Even the expected promise of an improved education system managed to cause its share of raised eyebrows, as he hinted that special attention would be paid to improving culinary curricula.

His statement that there would be a new national anthem, on the other hand, caused several jaws to drop. Not so much that "The Star-Spangled Banner" would be retired; there have been many others who have expressed dissatisfaction with the difficult-to-sing tune. What took much of the audience by surprise was his choice for a new anthem: "The new anthem," Bob said, "will be that wonderful song, 'I'm Henry the Eighth I Am, Henry the Eighth I Am I Am'", referring to the old song popularized in America by the Herman's Hermits band. Bob seemed quite enthusiastic about this idea, declaring that "the children will love it" before inviting everyone to join in on singing it. Most of those present plucked up the necessary courage by the second verse, although the press section, never known for its singing skills, was noticeably silent.

Upon being asked whether he thought that perhaps he had taken too long to begin campaigning, Bob said, "No, not really. I prefer wine myself." When the miscommunication was explained, he said, "Well, if I find I'm coming up a few votes short, I can always roll out a few million offspring to even things out."


[iost_uid0]Dated March 31, 2004.[/iost_uid0][/quoteost_uid0]

Get out there and vote this November, all you US citizens! [/colorost_uid0]