September 13 (5MOC: Five-Minute "The Heartbreak")

[Zeke]

Here's something I've waited way too long to publish. Back when I first tried OC fivers, the second episode I did was "The Heartbreak," as a birthday present for the person who got me to watch the show (my girlfriend at the time). Things didn't work out with her and so the fiver had certain associations; as a result, I never got around to posting it here. But the time has come, because darn it, it's funny. Here's Five-Minute "The Heartbreak."

[mudshark]

Funny stuff, but for whatever reason, I was getting the most chuckles out of the running "bacon" gag.

Kirsten: Where?
Sandy: Heheheheh. Still fun.

Oh, and...

Sandy: Don't worry, Marissa. Ryan'll change his mind eventually. See, love is like a walrus that --

Don't ask me to explain. It just is.

[Zeke]

The bacon thing is actually a reference to a running gag in TWOP's OC recaps, which itself was based on... well, Kirsten liking bacon.

[Derek]

Seth: Nice how Dr. Kim lifted your suspension, isn't it?
Ryan: Yeah. I'm glad she finally understood that it's okay to break into school files and your girlfriend's locker as long as your suspicions turn out to be right.

Yeah, funny how that works in real life as well.

[Mighty Jalapeno]

Yay, another TwoP fan!

[Zeke]

...TWoP fan. Yes. Yes, that's me.

Let me put it this way. I find TWoP a very useful resource, and I like some of the people who work there, such as Keckler. I often get a kick out of the recaps and even make the occasional reference, like this one or the Weight of the World Window ref in Five-Minute "Damage." But I hate everything TWoP stands for. They've become incredibly successful by appealing to the basher mentality, and boy, has it gone to their heads. Their slogan, "Spare the Snark, Spoil the Networks," sums it up perfectly. That's how important they think they are. (See also "shoutouts.") Most galling of all, people buy it -- Yahoo TV is full of TWoP links now, and Veronica Mars fans cite the TWoP recaps as an example of "critical acclaim."

And they KILLED MY FATHER.

Anyway... this fiver was originally written in '04. I was a real fan of TWoP back then; a lot has changed since. I still go there sometimes and I may keep making references, but I would definitely not call myself a fan anymore.

[Mighty Jalapeno]

So "Spare the Snark, Spoil the Site" is your credo now?

Yes, TWoP has realized that television shows, writers and producers now read TWoP in order to figure out where to take things. Veronica's death in Prison Break was a result of the unstoppable hate the forums had for her... she was supposed to live for a week with Terrence.

Mostly, I just read the amusing recaps, hang out in the Hizzy (House General Gabbery) and vote on the Tubeys. I've never seen Veronica Mars, I've never used Yahoo, so I don't know much of what you speak of... mostly I complain that they STOPPED recapping Rescue Me, and STARTED recapping god-damned Project Runway.

They killed my gerbil.

[Gatac]

They killed Veronica? One more reason to...be mildly indifferent about them, I guess. I mean, dude, killing off characters to appease the shouting masses as Twop strikes me as a supremely bad idea, but it's not like it was a big loss, either...

Gatac

[Mighty Jalapeno]

It wasn't so much to appease them, but rather them realizing that "Wow, a significant percentage of the audience hates her.... know what we could do to get a big cheer, and move the plot up a few episodes?" I'm glad that television producers are now actually thinking about their audience.

[Zeke]

But that's just it: TWoP is not their audience. It's a particular group of people who come to a particular forum to talk about how much better they are than the show's writers. Sucking up to TWoP is a recipe for getting burned. J. J. Abrams found that out, but apparently other producers aren't going to learn from his experience, so they'll have to find out for themselves.

[Mighty Jalapeno]

TWOP, and it's 1.2 million readers, is a fairly good slice of their audience. Most of them don't talk about how much better they are than the shows writers, but let's face it, it's television.... you can't please everyone. Mostly on the Hizzy we talk about how much we adore the writers who are capable of creating more than one dimensional characters.

Yes, TWOP, and a lot of the regs, have gotten too big for their diapers, but they know that they do have clout, even if it's mis-guided... sort of like the government.

What did JJ Abrams do that got him burned? He only did Alias, Lost, and Felicity, and I've never seen an episode of any of those.

[Scooter]

Originally Posted by Mighty Jalapeno

He only did Alias, Lost, and Felicity.

"Only"?
. . .

[Zeke]

It's possible I'm confusing Abrams with the West Wing guy again.

[PointyHairedJedi]

Uh? I don't recall Sorkin doing anything of that kind, Zeke.

[Zeke]

I'm sure Kira would have been happy to tell the story, but in her absence, Google will have to do. This post looks pretty thorough:

http://bitchkittie.blogspot.com/2006...rkin-west.html

[PointyHairedJedi]

[Spock]Fascinating.[/Spock]

[JVTruman]

Personally, I read some of the TWoP stuff occasionally, but there's something I've noticed. Much of the time, reading them is somehow draining; it's kind of entertaning reading it, but you feel somehow emptier at the end than at the beginning. Has anyone else experienced this? It probably has something to do with how well the reader's and author's opinions correlate.

[Nate the Great]

Nate (raises hand sheepishly): Uh, what is TWOP?
Professor Zeke: What a silly question! Now put this on and go sit in the corner!
Nate (puts on dunce cap and slumps onto the stool): Ah, man! (Ahem) One hundred dilithium crystals on the wall, one hundred dilithium crystals. If Scotty should happen to burn one of those up, ninety-nine dilithium crystals on the wall...

[Gatac]

*fast forward to mid-terms...*

Question 13-1: Who or what is TWOP ?

A) Terrance Willinger Ornue-Prinz, heir to the Ornue-Prinz Cookie empire
B) Television WithOut Pity, (in)famous TV review website
C) Tennessee's Wild Ornithologist Photographers, association of "artists" concerned with nude birdwatchers

Nate: *Pst! What's 13-1?*
Gatac: *B, it's totally B!*
Nate: *You are totally B!*
PHJ: *snicker*
Professor Zeke: Who was that? PHJ, was that you?
PHJ: No, Sir! Of course not, Sir!
Professor Zeke: Gatac?
Gatac: I have no sense of humor, Sir.
Professor Zeke: True enough...Nate? Hm...I'm sure we both know what that means.
Nate: I brought my own hat, Sir.

(It's, of course, Television without Pity, a review site that tends to...polarize.)

Gatac

[Nate the Great]

Okay, Television Without Pity I've heard of. Hey, there are A LOT of netronyms (who says I can't invent a word?) I don't know.

I think TWOP is infamous in the Three Amigos sense. It's so famous it's INFAMOUS!

I was surprised at my initial reaction that I'd been fived. I'm sure that as long as it's not insulting the rest of you would be flattered by the idea that you've achieved the status of comedic cult icon. Hey, that's what Zeke's achieved, at least in my book: comedic cult icon. He's up there with Derek Miller (Kid Radd) and Jim Wright (Delta Blues). For me, being fived brought out odd feelings. There was pride, there was amusement, but there was also ... violation? Does this sound insane to anyone else?

PS: "You are totally B"? My comeback instinct would suggest that "You're a B!" is funnier. "Totally B" is a little too valley girl-esque for me. Please put down the phaser bazookas (go Insurrection!)