Tenth Novel Fiver: Antimatter (DS9)

[NAHTMMM]

DS9! This novel is mediocre at best. An interesting premise, but the execution leaves a good deal to be desired.



Antimatter by John Vornholt

Ants do matter.


Kira: This starship Bajor is building is so very important to our economy. I'm glad the security around it is tight.
Shipyard: BOOM!
Sisko: Uh-oh.

Odo: My exhaustive researches into this "antimatter" stuff have uncovered the startling facts that it is 1: quite valuable and 2: extremely dangerous.
O'Brien: Hey, Odo, did you know that antimatter is quite valuable and potentially extremely dangerous?
Odo: Are you sure? I'd better check with Quark.

Quark: It's true, antimatter is quite valuable.
Odo: And extremely dangerous.
Readers: We get the point already!

Dax: I'm, too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for this station, so sexy it hurts . . .

Kira: The antimatter Starfleet is delivering is so very vital to that starship being built. I'm glad we're here to warn the tanker if there are any threats waiting for it.
Communications: BLOCKED!
Birds-of-Prey: DECLOAK!
Sisko: Uh-oh.

Cruisers: We are absurdly incompetent.
Birds-of-Prey: We are victorious.
Tanker: I am yoinked.
Cruiser #2: No, wait, I'm feeling better. Let's go for a walk.
Birds-of-Prey: Try it and we'll all be stone dead in a minute.
Cruisers: Fine, you win.

Kira: Wait, the tanker is being taken through the wormhole? And whoever went aboard is stupid enough to let it slip they're Bajoran? I don't get it.
Sisko: (over the comm) I'm taking Dax and Odo in the Mekong to get the tanker back.
Kira: Just the three of you? In a runabout? I realize we don't have the Defiant yet, but don't you think the odds are a little overwhelming?
Sisko: (over the comm) We're main characters, we can pull anything off if we want to.

Mekong: Stalking, stalking . . .
Dax: Look, the tanker's parking at that planet over there.
Odo: The one with the "Last Antimatter In The Sector" sign?
Dax: No, the other one.

Odo: We should be in disguise. Maybe as . . . I don't know, popcorn sellers?
Sisko: Nah, Kira isn't here. Feel free to hang a "Definitely Not Starfleet" sign on the runabout, though.

Aliens: Hi, we're the Ecocids. Imagine the Ferengi as hive insects with non-existent people skills and zero concept of privacy.
Dax: They took our phasers from us as we beamed down? That has got to be a speed record for breaking the Prime Directive.
Sisko: I don't believe the Prime Directive applies here. That said, you'd think I'd be concerned about an unknown alien race getting their hands on Starfleet technology.
Ecocids: We don't actually have hands. But here, have some money.

Gimba: You dirty double-crossing Bajorans! We were supposed to get the antimatter free of charge!
Rizo: We have altered the deal. Pray we do not alter it further.
Dax: I wish we'd taken Odo's suggestion. I could do with a bucket of popcorn right now.
Sisko: Dax, we can't just sit back and watch the Bajorans and Ferengi squabble! We must do what Starfleet officers do best: meddle.

Sisko: Hi, I'm Sojourner Truth and this is Dixon Hill. Let us decide how you split the spoils.
Rizo and Gimba: If by "us" you mean the hot woman with you, sure!
Sisko: Now we will beam back up to our ship, which is definitely not a Starfleet vessel, and definitely not accidentally let an Ecocid come along for the ride.

Bashir: You're supposed to be geared toward fighting and you don't even have your own doctors?
Cruisers: Let's just forget about this bit, okay?
Bashir: I can do better. I'm allowed to administer euthanasia under the "too stupid to live" clause. This entire scene qualifies.

Sisko: Didja ever get the feeling you was bein' watched?
Dax: Stop that, Benjamin. You're bugging me.
Sisko: I'm just worried that they managed to put a bug on us. We got away too easily.
Dax: Oh, that's absurd. The transporter's debugging procedures are foolproof.
Odo: Cut it out, both of you! Your prattle is driving me buggy.
Ecocid Spy: Argh! Stop the puns! Just blab out your secret mission already!

Dax: I think I'll upgrade my act from "alluring" to "slutty". That should help smooth the negotiations.
Rizo and Gimba: Ooo, she's mine! No, she's mine!
Elaka: No, Rizo, you're mine and mine alone! Grrrrr . . .
Dax: Oops.

Bajorans and Ferengi: Anger! Uproar! Outrage!
Elaka: Watch me do something really stupid and violent!
Dax: That was just to have a "dramatic" ending to the chapter, wasn't it.
Elaka: . . . Shut up, hussy.

Dax: Let's divide up. You go with the Ferengi and watch them do Typical Ferengi Stuff. That'll leave me alone with the Bajorans, so we can intensify the lust triangle between me, Elaka, and Rizo.
Sisko: What have I told you about deconstructing the plot?
Dax: Um, that it's hilarious?

Sisko: You know what's fun? Double-crossing a bunch of Bajorans.
Gimba: Ooh, that sounds much more amusing than leaving you alone with my harem!

Odo: You know what's fun? Triple-crossing a bunch of Ferengi and terrorists.
Dax: And if we follow this plan, I'll have Rizo to myself on the tanker! He's so dreamy, not what I expected in a terrorist at all . . .
Sisko: Why, what did you expect?
Dax: From him? A long tail and fur, for some reason.

Commander's Log: Then she said "Wakka-wakka-wakka!" and acted like she expected me to laugh. When we enact this scheme, I'm sending Odo along to keep an eye on her.

Bajoran officials: You lost the antimatter? You're useless and the Federation is worthless.
Captain Rachman: My cruiser isn't fixed yet? I am a cardboard cutout and a jerk.
Admiral Nechayev: (onscreen) You're the ones responsible for this debacle? I am angry with all of you, and Sisko and Dax are goners. Isn't it nice how I don't consider Odo important enough to mention?
Kira: Doctor Bashir, is "unfair humiliation" a qualification for euthanasia?

Dax: I've spontaneously decided that we should adopt a code phrase in case of trouble.
Sisko: If we do, there'll have to be trouble in order to justify the paragraphs spent on setting the code up, so let's not.
Dax: Now who's over-analyzing the plot?

Dax: So it turns out Petra is Rizo's daughter and Rizo himself is kind of an anti-heroic character.
Ecocids: And you two are busted. Give us a piece of the action or we'll squeal on you.
Sisko: Fine, you can have all the Original Series episodes you want, just don't tell the others who we are.
Ecocids: What? No, we —
Sisko: Glad we have a deal. Bye!

Rachman: I've decided to be a likeable, sensible guy after all.
Nog: Fine, but I'm never going into Starfleet. And at this early date, I probably still believe it.

Ecocids: Bonzai!
Sisko: ACK! How did they get on the runabout?
Odo: This runabout has a glitch in its transporter. They probably hitched a ride on you.
Sisko: Why didn't you tell us this before we left DS9? We could have used any of the others instead!
Odo: Yeah, but I'd already picked out the perfect spot for my bucket on this one.

Commander's Log: Just for that, he gets to be the one who takes the Ecocids' queen hostage beforehand.

Dax: Now to yoink this tanker back — eep!
Rizo: The game's up, Sisko. I know everything about you and your accomplice!
Dax: If you know all about my accomplice, then why aren't you paying attention to my "purse"?
Rizo: Why, did Dax slip an explosive into — ACK!
Odo: There, he's neutralized. We can safely dump him in a cargo hold and take our attention off of him. It's not like he might get free and mess with the antimatter.
Petra: (over the comm) Or have a touching reunion with his daughter, who is hiding in a cargo hold.
Rizo: Or partly redeem myself by helping you save the ship from Cardassians.
Odo: I'm glad we're agreed.

Cardassian warships: Hi, we heard there was antimatter free for the taking out here. You haven't seen it, have you?
Gimba: (over the comm) As a Ferengi whom you have just double-crossed, my obvious course of action is to get my ship blown up while warning you to escape so you can get a negligible distance closer to the wormhole.
Dax: (over the comm) Great! That should distract the readers long enough for us to pull the ol' switcheroo.
Sisko: Heheheh.

Kira: I wish the cruisers were already repaired.
Rachman: So that I'll quit flirting with you and leave?
Kira: No, I mean, what if our people do make it back safely, and we need to defend them against a threat on this end of the wormhole?
Rachman: There aren't any threats here. The Cardassians went through the wormhole, remember?
Mekong: Hi, we're home!
Birds-of-Prey: That's our cue! *decloak*
Rachman: Uh-oh.

Tanker: boom
Birds-of-Prey: What the . . . ? Where was the Earth-shattering kaboom?
Sisko: That's what's so funny! We beamed everyone and the remaining antimatter over to the Mekong when your back was turned!
Rachman: Put. Down. Your. Swords.
Birds-of-Prey: Eep.

Kira: Even though this ship isn't for Bajor's use, I feel so very proud that our shipbuilding industry is —
Sisko: Please don't finish that sentence.

(The Hannibal is launched at Ludicrous Speed.)

THE END

[NAHTMMM]

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Pocket Books and Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I'm just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind. I also don't think Zeke minds me ripping off his disclaimers, but I could be wrong.

[Wowbagger]

Never read it, but it looks as terrible as I've heard it is!

Something about Sisko saying "Heheheh" makes me laugh wildly. I get an image of Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes looking evil.

[NAHTMMM]

Having read rubbish like, oh, War Drums and Gulliver's Fugitives (just to pick two that I can shamelessly plug my fivers of), I wouldn't say Antimatter is terrible. It's just . . . mediocre, with patches of stupid (the lack of doctors) and hormonal (Dax's first line here is a dead-on summary of two pages that were, shall we say, clearly aimed at the male teenager audience). Overall, bad. It's a shame because, as I said above, the premise and storyline have a lot of potential.


I'm glad you liked Sisko's little chuckle. I felt that that was the weakest line of the entire fiver while writing, but looking at it now I see that it's not bad at all. Sometimes the difference in perception between writer and audience can be enormous.


Anyway, this is probably my last novel fiver for a while, as I don't have any unpublished fivers that are developed beyond a scene or two. (Other than one for a very obscure computer game, which would have to go through official channels even if it were in publishable condition; and my stuff for the Fiver By Committee, which is looking stalled at the moment.) As my signature and webpage say, though, I'm open to suggestions, and there's always the chance that I'll be struck by sudden inspiration and churn something out. I might also try a few five-second parodies.