How to Debate an Exploding Candidate 2

[Zeke]

This is a weird one, but it's long in coming. (It's also just long.) Way way back in 2008, I wanted to do something election-related but far enough removed to be fun, and because even I don't feel like doing Star Trek every time, I took advantage of a then-hot sci-fi show for the purpose. The result was one of my all-time favourite things I've ever written: How to Debate an Exploding Candidate, in which Heroes characters ran for president against each other in a debate hosted by Mohinder Suresh and Sylar, whose dynamic was an absolute blast to write.

I've long wanted to do some kind of followup, but 2012 didn't inspire me. Even 2016 didn't -- at first. Eventually I did come up with a pretty good angle I could approach that one from; the pieces didn't all come together in time, but I kept the idea in my back pocket, figuring it would still be fun to do even after the fact. One problem was that while I had a good replacement for Heroes as my "universe of discourse", I couldn't think of a good pair of moderators.

Years passed, including 2020, another election year that didn't inspire me. But this year, again, felt like one I could work with -- if I got through 2016 first, because my idea for that one was now so calcified I couldn't just skip over it. And that's when the vital realization finally struck. Why not go ahead and replace Heroes for the most part, but keep my hosts?

With Election Day looming, I knuckled down, and tonight I've finally finished. The sequel I've contemplated for so long is finally here. It's even longer and stupider than the first one, and this time the candidates are coming to you from a fandom much bigger than Heroes (though you'll still benefit if you remember that show). And I remembered my great subtitle idea just in time!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you How to Debate an Exploding Candidate 2: I Don't Wanna Explode.

[Nate the Great]

Well...um...err...

[Wowbagger]

Lines that caused an audible reaction (chuckle, hysterical laughter, anything between, but not a mere smile):

Sylar: That's true. There's your health, for instance.

Mohinder: We ripped off Watchmen wholesale in our first season! Watch that! It's more accurate!

Sylar: It remains to be seen if there'll be a Dark Horse candidate.

Tony: This pinko thinks the defense budget should be capped at 52% of GDP!

Mohinder: Apparently not! They did it! We're in one! The acoustics are terrible!
Sylar: Yeah, but what good is it if the readers can't tell? Besides, these giant gears aren't even turning.

Sylar: And we're not even talking Margot Kidder in Superman IV here. You look to me like the current Margot Kidder, who, to save our viewers the Google search, is 67 as of this 2016 debate.
[p.s. she's dead now folks. eternal rest.]

Oliver: But look how vigorous I still am!

Deadpool: You just lost The Game.

Sylar: It's really only useful for this one thing.

Mohinder: Functional!
Sylar: Yes! Your bodies work correctly.
Lois: Ah. All right then.
Oliver: You believe them?!

Deadpool: Oh God, how can we possibly stop them? Doc is a genius!

Mohinder: (She was already a journalist. It's a lateral move.)

Mohinder: "28TH AMENDMENT: No law, whether in this Constitution or outside it, shall be permitted to interfere with the implementation of FULL COMMUNISM, BABY."

Mohinder: So your idea is essentially to... outwit the Constitution?

Sylar: Any distance. The only limit is the target's guts.
Cap: So it's a scary process?
Sylar: No, it literally consumes one internal organ for each six feet traveled. This guy heals, so he'll be fine.
Deadpool: (spitting out blood) Never better!

Lois: You should be scared of what the Marvel universe would do to you. You should be terrified. You should wake up screaming when you're not even asleep at the mere thought of these violent lunatics gaining any sort of power.
Sylar: Weren't you just going on about hope?
Lois: Oh, there's none if they win.

Lois: In conclusion, America, I've been a public figure since 1938. Don't you think it's my turn to be president? I certainly do.

Oliver: But the challenges we're facing right now demand more than just competence. Half measures won't cut it anymore. We can't settle for the partial communism that Lois is proposing.
Lois: Wait, no. I'm not proposing communism.
Oliver: Only full communism can save America!

Oliver: For anyone who didn't, go visit my website! We have a special green edition of Mao's Little Red Book you can order.

Oliver: Oo, you already forgot the first time? He's quick on the draw today.

Cap: It's not condescension, honest! You're just... not on our radar. I haven't even read a DC comic since before I was frozen. Phil Coulson filled me in on some of the broad strokes of what's happened since then, and that's been enough.

Deadpool: (behind Mohinder with a gun) Always has been.

Deadpool: I'm with the common man on this one. I don't care. Stop asking! Lose my number! I thought I was on the no-call list!

Tony: That is not a proof!

Mohinder: (FWEET!) Your fellow CEO Sunset Bain recently posted an audio recording from a few years ago in which you tell her you're worth "150 quadrillion bucks, baby."

Tony: There's this "newspaper" called This Just In that you just wouldn't believe.

Cap: Bet he asks about the built-in roller skates next.
Tony: You were a werewolf in the 90s! We've all been through it!

Cap: It helped that your phrasing was clearly about my movie character. I'd have to think a lot harder to defend my comic self in that Civil War. He was picking fights with Tony left and right with no apparent plan.
Mohinder: It's okay, I wouldn't have asked. No one is responsible for what Mark Millar makes them do.

Mohinder: Why would I take offense at that?
Deadpool: Because you're Indian.

Deadpool: Listen to Spock, Mohinder! Don't let me drive you into darkness! And beyond!
(pause)
Deadpool: 2009!

Deadpool: A question like that... can only be answered in the form of a MUSICAL NUMBER!

Sylar: I'd argue that he did, but as established earlier, he disagrees.

Cap: We have nothing to fear but Tony Stark himself.

Cap: (By the way, if you end up dropping out, do I have your endorsement?)
Tony: (Oh, of course. And vice versa, right?)

Sylar: You hadn't done the math on that yet, Mohinder? All they knew was our names. They certainly weren't going to know we were the current president and VP.

Sylar: I bet they said the word "it" really quietly after that.

Mohinder: The American people were only interested in us as a duo. I can't stress enough how popular that debate was.

Mohinder: Absolutely not. I may be stuck with you, but you will never be on top.

Sylar: Nah, I dumped everybody in the WildStorm universe. Yes I aimed them correctly, Mohinder, geez. I'm not just banging rocks together here.

Echoing Whisper: Exploding... Candidate... Revolutions...
Sylar: Hey! Why can I hear -- aha!
(He flips over the table. Deadpool is under it.)

[NAHTMMM]

Yeah, I could tell you had fun writing Sylar and Mohinder.

Tony: I have a theory -- just a theory, mind you -- that your bank account might see an anonymous million-dollar deposit if you just ignored him.

Immediately heard RDJ on this line.


The bits where I laughed the hardest:

Deadpool: But seriously, vote for me! I'm gonna grate America!

Mohinder: You mean make America great?

Deadpool: *whips out a cheese grater*

Mohinder: Uh...

Deadpool: *makes sawing motion*

Mohinder: Mr. Queen... did you just give away Green Lantern's real first name on live TV?

Oliver: Oo, you already forgot the first time? He's quick on the draw today.

Mohinder: What?

Oliver: Don't worry about it.

Sylar: I can set myself to fweet when someone lies. It's a power.

Mohinder: All you have to do is play straight with our viewers. Do it one time, and you're free. But the more careful, political answers you attempt, the more of your scandals will get brought up in prime time. I am a well-informed voter. I will not run out.

If only . . .