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[Bridge]
IJD: I finally figured it out! I'm moving backwards through time!
Zeke: Bad form. You can't just start a panel like that.
IJD: But it didn't start like this! My first memory is from when I was on my deathbed!
Zeke: Please tell me it at least started better than this.
IJD: Well, at least my reception back then wasn't so cold. Brrrr.
(FLASH!)
[Borg Space]
Borg Ship: AAAAAGGGH!
Derek: You know, I lose more Borg ships that way.
Borg Collective: It's "We", you idiot. Can't you even keep your pronouns straight?
Derek: Shouldn't that be "our pronouns straight"?
Borg: AAAAAGGGH!
[Holodeck]
Zeke: So I was hoping to maybe have a corner workroom in your, uh, sewer.
Leonardo: Cowabunga, dude. You bring pizza and you gotta deal!
IJD: See? I told you Leonardo would have no problem with it.
Zeke: I'm creating my own holo-programs from now on.
[Bridge]
Kira: Uh, we just spotted a Borg ship.
Zeke: Was it striped before?
Kira: Marc, Hammer.
(THUMP!)
Zeke: Hey, since when could Marc be on the bridge?
IJD: I think you hit him too hard this time. He doesn't seem to know anything.
Kira: And that's different from normal how?
IJD: Point. Okay, here's how it happened.
[Earth, 1999]
Starling: Mwahaha! I'm an evil villain from 400 years in the past, and I'm still able to outwit Zeke.
Marc: A caveman could outwit Zeke.
Starling: Yes, but who could build a convenient temporally-resistant holo-emitter, a caveman or an astronaut?
Marc: Oooh. Can I have it?
Starling: Well, uh, I'm supposed to be evil, but, er, um -- oh, why not?
Marc: Score!
[Present-ish]
Zeke: That doesn't sound like Marc.
IJD: That's because I was narrating.
Kira: Would you please stop this flashback and deal with these Borg that are coming this way?
Zeke: The Borg? Oh crap. We are so going to die.
Kira: Way to give the encouraging speech.
Zeke: Who cares about encouraging? I'm going to die. Alone.
IJD: You're not alone, Zeke. You're surrounded by the other bridge officers. Except for Derek. Where is he by the way?
Marc: Who?
IJD: And why is it always so cold around here?
Kira: The rest of us are from Canada.
IJD: Ah, that explains it. Brrr.
(FLASH!)
IJD: Man, those Borg ships are completely decimated. Species 8472 is really efficient.
Zeke: We'll need to go check out one of those ships. Kira, take Marc and IJD and check it out.
Kira: Oh no you don't. You just want the ship to yourself. You lead the team.
Zeke: You think I'm going to turn the ship over to you after I just retook it from you last week?
Kira: For the last time, that was a holo-program.
Zeke: Whatever. I'm not leaving.
Kira: Marc, Hammer.
[Borg Ship]
Zeke: (grumbling) I was supposed to have a weak first officer.
Marc: Cheer up, Zeke. What's the worst that could happen?
IJD: AAAH! There's something else on the ship and it's coming after us!
Zeke: Kira, quick, beam us out!
Kira: (over the comm) I'm sorry. Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and try again.
IJD: AAAGH!
Kira: Oh, you guys were actually in trouble? Sorry, beaming you out now.
[Sickbay]
Marc: IJD's been hurt by the strange alien on the ship.
Zeke: Sniff. Poor IJD. He was a real friend, even if he was a little wooden on occasion.
Marc: Shouldn't that be Kira?
Zeke: No, IJD's the one who's into cedar.
Marc: Well, I think I can save IJD. I just need some nanoprobes.
Zeke: What about those Borg nanoprobes I won in a poker match three weeks ago?
Marc: You lost them in a poker match two weeks ago.
Zeke: Right. So where do we get a Borg. In space. At this hour?
[Borg ship]
Derek: Why do I suddenly get an ominous sense of foreboding?
[Five-Minute Voyager]
Zeke: I've got a plan!
Kira: Marc, Hammer.
Zeke: Wait! Aren't you going to at least hear it first?
Kira: Does it have anything to do with our current situation?
Zeke: Yes.
Kira: Oh. I figured it would be about pie. Here's the hammer back, Marc.
Marc: So what is your plan?
Zeke: We trap Species 8472 in a giant pie.
Marc: Here, Kira.
(THUMP!)
Zeke: Or we trap the Borg in a giant pie.
(THUMP!)
Zeke: Or we make a deal with the Borg.
(THUMP!)
Marc: Wait. I think that actually was a good idea.
(THUMP!)
Kira: Did you say something, Marc?
Zeke: Hail that Borg ship.
(silence)
Zeke: Someone?
Marc: You know, you really should have other people on the bridge besides just us. Especially now that IJD's in the sickbay.
Zeke: Yeah, but everyone else is either mute or short-lived. They're not worth my time.
Kira: Sigh. Hailing frequencies open.
Zeke: Attention, Borg ship! We have a way for you to defeat Species 8472! We'll give it to you in exchange for safe passage and a crock pot.
Borg: Can we beam you over first?
Kira: Yes.
Zeke: What? Nooooooo...
(Whoosh!)
[Borg ship]
Borg: So tell us how to defeat Species 8472.
Zeke: Well, I think....
Borg: Wait, we can't hear yourself think. Let's assimilate you.
Zeke: I've got a better idea: pie.
Borg: Obviously you're unworthy of assimilation, so instead you'll have to interact with a representative equally unworthy.
Derek: Hi.
Zeke: You're unworthy of assimilation? Then how come you were assimilated?
Derek: Well, it all started a long time ago in a quadrant far, far away....
[Earth, South Pole, 2153]
Researcher: Amazing! A race of mechanical beings from the time of Zephram Cochrane. With little tubes in its hands. Hey, lab rat, touch one of them.
Derek: Yessir.
[Borg ship again]
Zeke: Oh come on, that's just impossible.
Derek: Ask Captain Archer if you don't believe me.
Borg: Ahem. Reminiscence is irrelevant.
Derek: Right, right. And this method of conversing is inefficient.
Borg: Better.
Zeke: So what's your designation?
Derek: Five of five.
Zeke: I see. And how old were you when you were assimilated?
Derek: Five.
Zeke: Why don't we just get on with the 8472 weapon?
Derek: I'm five by five with that.
[Bridge]
IJD: Hey, everyone, guess what? I'm all better.
Crickets: Chirp, chirp, chirp.
IJD: What does it take for you people to get excited about something?
Kira: A rift is opening and a Species 8472 vessel is coming after us!
IJD: Okay. Anything else?
(BOOM!)
Kira: Crap. We are so screwed.
(BOOM!)
Marc: Looks like you were wrong. The Borg ship just collided with the vessel.
Kira: Woohoo! Captain at last! Daily updates for everyone!
Zeke: I'm still here!
Kira: Drat.
Zeke: And I brought a Borg with me.
Kira: Double Drat.
Zeke: I'd like to introduce you to our newest vict-- er, staff member, Five of Five.
Derek: We're Borg. Get assimilated. Resistance sucks.
Marc: So what do we call you? Five? Or five?
Derek: Call me Derek. It seems to be my speaker credits.
Kira: Was that your human name?
Derek: I hope so. I was worried it might be Annika.
Marc: Derek caused a rift to be opened!
Derek: Sorry, I just had to know what would happen when I pressed the blue button on these controls.
Zeke: That's okay. Just don't press the red button or the reset button. Those are for me alone.
Marc: The rift is leading us into fluidic space!
IJD: Weren't we just there?
Kira: Uh, no.
IJD: Huh, that's strange. Kinda gives me the shivers. Brrr.
(FLASH!)
Derek: Did anybody else see that?
Zeke: You mean IJD doing that flashy thing? Don't worry about it. He does it all the time.
Derek: But he just disappeared! Where'd he go?
IJD: What do you mean? I'm right here.
Derek: Is this confusing anyone else?
Kira: Not nearly as much as having a button that opens a portal to fluidic space.
[Fluidic Space]
8472: The weak will perish.
Zeke: Does that mean it's the weak end? 'Cause I like Saturdays.
Kira: Sigh. We also have a weapon that will destroy you.
8472: Meh.
Kira: IJD, fire!
(BOOM!)
8472: Aw, crap. We surrender.
Kira: Oh that was cheap. Come on and fight, you cowards.
[Normal Space]
Derek: Well, that went well. Guess I'll be heading back to the collective now.
IJD: Wait for it.
Derek: ...Right after I assimilate all of you.
Zeke: Now, Kira! Sever his link with the collective!
Kira: Me? Why me?
Zeke: Because it was you who was in the link earlier in the year.
Kira: Yeah, but I don't want to link with him. That's just silly.
Zeke: Well, do you have any better ideas?
Kira: Marc, Hammer.
(THUMP!)
Zeke: Ow!
IJD: Shouldn't you have hit the Borg?
Kira: Oh yeah.
(THUMP!)
[Sickbay]
Marc: There, I've fixed Derek so that he's no longer a part of the Collective.
Zeke: I see. And why isn't he wearing a catsuit?
Marc: Trust me. You really don't want him to.
TO BE CONTINUED....
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