The Disbanding

(Originally published at the Delta Chat Forum)

by Doc Annin

All: Agreed.

Neelix: I call Andromeda!

Harry: Won't you get mixed up with Rev Bem?

Neelix: No. There's no threat of me eating my crewmates.

Chakotay: You just serve them up for lunch.

Neelix: Ye-- I mean, no! Eew.

Tuvok: We still haven't found Ensign Mulcahy.

Janeway: I hear Farscape is in need of a cook.

Neelix: Farscape? Farscape? Granted, Chiana's hair does remind me a little of Kes's... Farscape? Hmmmmm....

Tom: Yes, Andromeda's free! (sighs) Beka Valentine....

B'Elanna: Excuse me?

Tom: (quickly) Or Rommie....

Harry: I don't think that's what she meant.

Doc: And if anyone gets Rommie it's going to be me! My years of experience can guide her to greater awareness.

Tom: But Doc! Wouldn't you rather be Al's replacement on Quantum Leap?

Doc: Hmmm, working with Rommie or delivering information and insights to Sam... I think you know my decision.

Tom: Phew.

Chakotay: He meant he'll stick with Andromeda.

Tom: C'mon Harry, back me up on this. We can declare Kuna Tally Andromeda on the Doctor!

Harry: I don't know Tom....

Tom: Just think, you and me, Rommie and Beka. Or Trance if you like.

Harry: Uh huh. And Tyr folding us into pretzels. Sorry Tom, I'm vying for Dark Angel myself.

Doc: You think you can hold your own against the genetically enhanced Max?

Harry: Hey, I used to play Parisses Squares. Three-time Academy champion. Now that's a tough sport.

Chakotay: I boxed a few Parisses players in my day.

B'Elanna: And...?

Chakotay: Let's just say they went back to playing Parisse Squares after that.

Harry: Oh, is that a challenge, Commander?

Chakotay: I wouldn't want to put my Ops officer out of commission, now, would I?

Harry: Oooooh, I can take a punch.

Janeway: Oh, anyone can take a punch from Chakotay. Naomi Wildman had him in a headlock just last week. This is Max you're talking about.

Neelix: She'll wipe the floor with you.

Harry: Nuh-- well, okay, yeah. But what a way to go.

Janeway: Seven, you've been awfully quiet.

Seven: I am trying to determine where my talents will be best appreciated.

Tuvok: That being...?

Seven: I'm thinking Babylon 5.

Janeway: Babylon 5?

Seven: Yes. Since Ivanonva's departure the show has become too male-dominated. My presence will be an asset. My nanoprobes will be safe.

Chakotay: Your nanoprobes?

Seven: Yes. Just think, a whole series where nanoprobes aren't used to solve every problem --

Janeway: (defensively) We don't use them for every problem --

Seven: Just how was your replicator fixed this morning?

Janeway: (sighs) Nanoprobes.

Seven: Check and mate.

Janeway: Okay, who's next?

B'Elanna: Wait, I'm feeling there's still an "and..." here.

Seven: ....and I believe my nanoprobes may be able to revive Marcus. (stares off dreamily)

B'Elanna: Thought so. Good for you.

Janeway: What ever happened to keeping your nanoprobes safe?

Seven: Marcus is a much better cause than your replicator.

Janeway: That's a matter of perception.

Seven: Yes. Mine.

B'Elanna: Hey, Marcus is a pretty good perception.

Seven: ....on Babylon 5 no one will be trying to put me in touch with my "human side" all the time... no Prime Directive to hold me back. I'll be free to develop as I want. Instead of generating fear in people, my Borg implants will make me the envy of women and pursued by men!--

Janeway: We get the picture.

Seven: --If I want to take over the quadrant and start my own collective, I can! No one's heard of the Borg -- by the time they find out it will be too late!

Tuvok: Technically that option would be available to you no matter what sci-fi you decided to join.

Seven: But none can compare to the sheer number of different aliens races enclosed in a small... vacuum-surrounded... area. They could add to my... perfection. I would be Queen!

(the others start to back away)

Seven: I think I'll let my drones keep their hair though....

Tom: Uh, Seven? Didn't you learn to be pro-individuality? I know we haven't interacted much the past few seasons, but I seem to recall Janeway making some speech to that effect.

Seven: Ever wonder why we had to keep rehashing that? It didn't take.

Janeway: Seven! Individuality is wonderful! We have something the Borg could never offer you... friendship. You are not alone; you are part of a human community now; a human Collective! We may be individuals but we live and work together. You can have some of the unity you require right here on Voyager.

Neelix: (cough) Babylon 5.

Janeway: Babylon 5.

Seven: Fine. Ruin my fun.

Janeway: Okay. Seven's done. B'Elanna, what about you?

B'Elanna: I'm thinking of going over to Deep Space Nine. Bashir could use some comforting after what happened to Ezri.

Neelix: (horrified) What happened to Ezri?

B'Elanna: I'm going to kill her.

Tom: B'Elanna, I'm hurt.

B'Elanna: You're hurt? Mister "Yes -- Andromeda's free"?

Tom: Eee, uhm....

B'Elanna: 'Sides, that's just my first thought. There's also Stargate....

Janeway: I'd have thought that'd appeal more to Chakotay, what with his love of anthropology.

B'Elanna: Oh, he rarely explored that interest. Anyway it's not a matter of what, studying civilizations... it's a matter of getting to use really large guns to kick Goald butt!

Tuvok: We have larger weapons of that nature on Voyager.

B'Elanna: Yes. But who gets to use them? Janeway. When's the last time you saw me holding Betsy? For that matter, when was the first time? A macrovirus invades Voyager; who gets to wander around in her undershirt cradling Betsy? Janeway. Where's B'Elanna? Oh, she's unconscious in the mess hall with bugs flying out of her neck. I want more gun time!

Tom: This isn't about the gun, B'Elanna. Who's on Stargate?

B'Elanna: Daniel Jackson.

Tom: Daniel? Is it the glasses? 'Cause if it is, I can get glasses.

B'Elanna: It's not just the glasses. (drools) I can help him on his techobabble. And if things don't work out with him, there's always Jack O'Neil. Or Teal'c.

Janeway: I thought you got over decorative foreheads by Season 3.

B'Elanna: But this one's in gold!

Harry: What about you, Captain?

Janeway: I'm still deciding. Of course, I'm retaining veto power over everyone else's choices.

Tuvok: (mutters) You would.

Janeway: What was that?

Tuvok: I said, that's very logical of you Captain.

Janeway: Yeah huh.

Tom: Maybe I'll try Sliders. A new world, new women, every episode. Now there's the life.

(B'Elanna smacks him)

Tom: Ow! Hey, you'll have Daniel Jackson.

Seven: They don't do a lot of flying on Sliders. Your piloting skills will depreciate.

Tom: Dang! Uhm, Red Dwarf has a ship, right?

Harry: Yep. And an annoying hologram. You should feel right at home.

Doc: Ensign!

Harry: That'll teach you to go all ECH on me. (cough) "Workforce"

Tom: I'll pass then. Ooo, Lost in Space had a great ship! And that doctor.... (sighs)

Janeway: Tom, you're thinking about the movie. It's not an option.

Tom: Not even if they make a sequel?

Janeway: Nope.

Tom: But--bu--

Janeway: Nope.

Chakotay: Anyone interested in Lexx?

(they all shudder)

Janeway: I was considering sending Lexx all non-credit crewmen for Lyekka. You didn't want it, did you Chakotay?

Chakotay: Me? No. I had thought it might appeal to you though, Captain.

Janeway: Me? Granted, they could use a captain but I don't see either Kai or Stanley as being my type.

Tuvok: I think the commander was referring to your particular enjoyment of blowing things up.

Janeway: What? I don't enjoy blowing things up.

(the rest of the crew scoffs)

Janeway: Fine. Name three.

Chakotay: The Caretaker Array.

Tuvok: Kazons.

Tom: Vidiians.

Seven: Hirogen.

Harry: Malon.

Neelix: The Borg.

B'Elanna: Species 8472.

Chakotay: Voyager! Need we go on?

Janeway: I said "three."

Neelix: So where are you considering, Commander?

Chakotay: I'm thinking Earth 2.

Tom: Interesting choice there.

Chakotay: I can study the native inhabitants, their culture, their way of life, thus proving once and for all my love of anthropology. (glares at B'Elanna) Plus I think I can help the colonists and native species forge a mutually beneficial relationship, allowing all groups to live together in peace.

(Tom, Harry, and B'Elanna fall to the ground laughing)

Tom: BWA HA HA HA HA! That's rich!

Chakotay: I'm serious. I could tell them ancient legends from my people that are really very see-through metaphors about their situation at the time. Like the one about the rabbit....

Janeway: Ooo, Chakotay tells the best stories. Everyone: sshhh and listen.

Neelix: (whispering) Psst... Tom, pull the fire alarm.

Tom: (whispering back) Voyager's systems don't work like that. The computer controls it.

Neelix: (still whispering) Then light a fire!

Janeway: Who dares interrupt Chakotay when he's telling one of his stories? Harry, was that you?

Harry: No, I--

Janeway: I just heard you again! Another word and I'm busting you down to Cadet!

Chakotay: ....the beaver took another stick... blah blah blah

Janeway: (aside to Tuvok) I think the stick represents a warp nacelle. I wonder where he's taking this.

Chakotay: ....and the world was buried in marshmallow fluff... except for one lone onion.

Janeway: Aww, that was beautiful. And that stick.... (bursts into tears)

B'Elanna: Uhm, Tuvok? Where'll you head off to?

Tuvok: It is illogical to consider so far ahead. There is yet no need and Vulcans do not participate in idle fantasies.

Janeway: (composing herself) Tuvok, I order you to tell us the sci-fi you'll go to.

Tuvok: Fine. Space: Above and Beyond.

(everyone stares)

Chakotay: Look, if you're not going to take this seriously then don't play.

Neelix: Yeah, at least suggest something like Earth: Final Conflict.

Janeway: I gave you an order, Tuvok.

Tuvok: Fine. The X-Files.

Harry: Ambitious.

Tuvok: Ever since Agent Scully went believer, they have been lacking someone to present the logical point of view.

Seven: What about Agent Doggett?

Tuvok: The odds are 474 747 to 1 that he will go believer in one-fourth the time it took Agent Scully.

B'Elanna: Captain, you haven't told us where you'd want to end up.

Janeway: I've thought about it, and as tempting as some of your choices have been, I've found one that could really use me.

Neelix: Don't keep us in suspense, Captain. Which is it?

Janeway: Battlestar Galactica. Think about it: They're trying to reach Earth. Who else is suited to help them achieve that? I know where Earth is. Under my guidance they can finally make it. And I've defeated the Borg -- the Cylons don't stand a chance against me!

Harry: But Captain, you haven't even gotten us back to Earth!

Seven: And the Borg are far from defeated.

Janeway: Details, details. Does anyone here know if the Galactica has a self-destruct button?

Chakotay: Uhm, I think so. It seems to be fairly standard issue in sci-fis.

Janeway: Good, good.

Tom: Ooo! I know the perfect place for me!

B'Elanna: Cleopatra 2525?

Tom: No, Transformers!

Harry: Care to elaborate?

Tom: I like cars.

Doc: Is it even sci-fi?

Tom: They're from another planet!

B'Elanna: Takes a little more than that, Tommy-boy.

Tom: Just think... the Autobot Ferrari and I could go cruisin' for chicks....

Harry: I don't think the Autobots had a Ferrari member.

Tom: ....I could work on cars all day... and if I missed piloting I could join the Decepticons!

(Tuvok leans back so Tom can't see him and makes "cuckoo" gestures)

Tom: And then there's Voltron.

Seven: A cartoon again.

Tom: There's nothing wrong with cartoons.

Doc: There is something wrong with wanting to be a cartoon character, though.

Janeway: Next he'll want to join Duck Dodgers in the 24th-and-a-Half Century!

Tom: Ooo, great choice Captain! I'd have a ship, and a sidekick... I don't recall Duck Dodgers getting too many women, though.

Chakotay: Wait, you actually want to be Duck Dodgers?

Tom: Doesn't everyone?

Harry: I think we're losing track of the main issue here.

Doc: That cartoon characters don't really exist?

Janeway: That the Galactica might not have coffee? (looks horrified)

Harry: No! The spacial anomaly! It might be a way home!

Janeway: Don't be ridiculous, Ensign. It'll merely turn out to be another way for Voyager to become horribly damaged and almost explode. Just like all the others. Good times....

Seven: So we're still going to check it out?

Janeway: Of course. Good times....

THE END

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