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Paneldemonium, Part 8
by Zeke
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An incursion of Time Travel Week |
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(As the temporal reiteration wave hits, there is a brilliant flash of light -- and the four panelists suddenly find themselves in the same room, but with time apparently running backward.)
Zeke: What the crell just happened? Kira: I don't know, but I like that word. I'm going to start using it. Zeke: Oh, that's right. Steal it from me. Steal it like you stole "blatch" and "spluck" and -- IJD: Guys! Can we focus, please? Marc: IJD's right. We need to focus on figuring out what happened and where we are. IJD: I was going to suggest focusing on cedar. Zeke: -- and "dsokdpach" and -- Marc: Stop it! All right, let's list the major points about the situation. Point one: we're surrounded by people walking backwards. Point two: we're not talking backwards, so we haven't been affected. IJD: Point three: "dsokdpach"? Kira: You don't read VVS9, do you? IJD: Why yes, I do have the wisdom not to. Marc: I'm not counting that as point three. People, what are we going to do? Zeke: I guess we should start stealing words from people. That'll help. Kira: Bite me, you dsokdpach. Zeke: Maybe I will. If time is running backwards, how long can our food hold out? Marc: Logically, we have the advantage that rotten food will actually unspoil for us. IJD: But it'll go unripe shortly after that. Kira: Delightful prospects. I think I'd better eat this pear while I can. Zeke: NO! Don't do it! That thing used to be rotten! Kira: Eww. Good point. Marc: Hey, wait a minute. I have a tricorder. Why didn't I think of that? Zeke: Because, for absolutely the last time, it's a spoon. Marc: No it isn't! I got a real one, remember? That's how we detected the temporal reiteration wave. Zeke: The what? Marc: The temporal reiteration wave. Kira: The what? Marc: The temporal reiteration wave. (A pause; everyone looks at IJD.) IJD: What? Marc: You haven't said "The what?" yet. IJD: Why would I? I heard you the first three times. Kira: I'll bet he was just thinking of cedar. IJD: Was cedar! I mean, was not! Marc: All right, I have a plan. Who here remembers the TNG episode "Timescape"? Kira: I do! I do! It's one of my most bestest favourite episodes ever! Marc: Do you remember, IJD? IJD: This has what to do with the original series? Marc: Sigh. Zeke, how about you? Zeke: I stopped listening when I heard the T in "TNG." Marc: All right, I'll just explain. What I'm getting at is that "Timescape" featured Geordi and others causing time to go backward and forward by using a tricorder. Zeke: And you're suggesting that you could do that with yours? Marc: No, I'm just reminiscing. What a great episode. Zeke: Give me that. (presses some tricorder buttons) Hmmm... it looks like the nitrogen content in here is about 70 percent. Cool! Kira: That's not a toy, Zeke. Zeke: It makes little beepy noises -- it's a toy. Just a useful one. Like a guitar or a pocket fan or a pie. IJD: (rolls eyes) Again with the cedar. I mean pie. Zeke: Anyway, I think I can get this thing to work. All I need is.... Kira: What? Zeke: The instruction manual. Marc: Oh, that I can do. I have it here in my pocket. Zeke: Thanks. Where's the chapter on temporal -- wait a sec. This is just a slip of paper with "You're pathetic" on it. Kira: Giving me the chance to grab the tricorder. Thanks, Marc. We make a good team. Marc: You think so? Because 5MNG has an opening for -- Kira: No, I don't. Marc: Aw. IJD: Figured out how to work it yet, Kira? Kira: Yeah. Looks like all I need to do is point it at someone to turn him into a weasel. I'd point it at Zeke, but what would change? (.esualppA) Zeke: This time reversal thing has got to stop. Marc: Agreed. Kira, point the tricorder at the space-time continuum. Kira: Then what? Marc: Then it turns into a weasel. IJD: And all we have to do is catch the weasel and make it start going forward! Zeke: A brilliant plan indeed, full of subtlety and wit. Kira: Is the wit subtle? Zeke: Never! Marc: All right, Kira. Let's do this. Kira: Right. Um, which way is the space-time continuum? Marc: Think about it. If you were the space-time continuum, where would you be? Kira: Sears. Marc: Let me rephrase that. If a normal person were the space-time continuum, where would he be? IJD: He wouldn't be very normal if he were -- Kira: Oh, the crell with this. (points the tricorder straight up and activates it) Zeke: AAAAA! It's going to rain weasels! Marc: And me without my weasel umbrella. Kira: Wait, I think I've got it now. Hang on.... (BOOM) Host: Hi, and welcome to the Late Late Early Late Early Show! (Applause from the audience members, who are robots with hands programmed only to clap.) Host: Thanks, you're too kind. With us today we have -- Kira: HEY! You're alive again! Host: Huh? Of course I'm -- Kira: DIE! (begins viciously attacking the host) IJD: Good to see that everything's back to normal. Marc: Indeed. Time has resumed its forward course and all is well. Host: AAAAA! For Shkrod's sake, someone HELP me! Zeke: Yup. All is well. THE END (Applause.) |
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DISCLAIMER: Yes, we know we're breaking a few copyrights. It's okay because we're insane. Which reminds us, cabbages roam freely in the twilight. All material © 2002, Colin Hayman. |