Minutemen, Part 1

"Bad Dudes"

by Zeke

A four-year mission of Five-Minute Star Trek: The Conclusion

IJD: No it doesn't.

Zeke: But the readers are expecting a panel discussion. All we're doing is watching the original series DVDs.

IJD: Think of it this way. A discussion is all about communication. Communication takes place through the media. And what's television if not a medium?

Scooter: I'm convinced.

IJD: Anyway, this business of you not having seen every episode of TOS has to stop. You run a major Star Trek site.

Sa'ar: I don't know about major. Minor seems more accurate.

Zeke: (glare) You shooting for diminished? By, say, a B5 section head?

Scooter: Now now, let's not augment this discord any further.

IJD: Yeah, let's try to stay harmonious.

Derek: (at the DVD player) Okay, folks, it's ready to go.

Zeke: Not going to make a musical pun, Derek?

Derek: They're not really my forte.

Zeke: Here we go, then. Scooter, pass me the remote.

(Scooter looks down at the remote, then at Zeke, warily)

Scooter: Mine.

Zeke: What? No it's not. This isn't even your house, it's Derek's.

Scooter: Mine.

Zeke: Come on. Look, I run the site, I should run the TOS marathon.

Scooter: Can you be trusted with this kind of power?

Zeke: Yes. Just ask Derek.

Scooter: Can he be trusted, Derek?

Derek: I don't know. Can't he?

Scooter: But can he?

Derek: Can't he?

(long pause)

Scooter: All right. This time. (hands Zeke the remote)

Zeke: Thanks. Okay, let's go!

(Zeke presses several buttons with no effect.)

Derek: It's the round one. Here, let me --

Zeke: MINE!

(Zeke finally finds the button and pushes it. The DVD begins.)

Kirk: Space... the final frontier. These are the voyages of --

(The playback abruptly stops, with only a blank screen shown.)

Sa'ar: Huh.

Derek: Probably just a glitch. Try pressing play again.

Zeke: Okay, here goes.

Kirk: Space... the final --

(The DVD stops, ejects itself, and catches fire.)

IJD: What the...? Oh, come on! That cost a hundred bucks thanks to Paramount's price-gouging ways! And I paid it gladly!

Zeke: Spoken like a Grammaton cleric.

Scooter: How does a Grammaton cleric speak?

Zeke: Balefully.

IJD: This isn't funny!

Sa'ar: Whoa, calm down. I'm sure you'll get a refund when you tell them about this unexpected feature. For now, let's just put in one of the other discs.

Derek: That may be hard.

(Derek shows the others the DVD set... which is now completely blank as well. For good measure, it catches fire.)

Derek: Ow!

Zeke: This isn't good. It stinks of reality-altering events. We should totally do a Top 10 list about it.

Sa'ar: The Top 10 Signs That Your Girlfriend Just Caught Fire?

Zeke: Exactly. It writes itself!

Derek: Well, my computer's over there. I'm just going to go tend to this burn.

Scooter: Careful, the water might catch fire.

Zeke: And the number one sign: She's hot, baby. Done!

Scooter: What? You just started typing thirty seconds ago!

Zeke: I know the secret of writing Top 10 lists effortlessly. Perhaps one day I'll teach it to you, as I've taught it to IJD.

IJD: (He doesn't include any jokes.)

Scooter: (Ah.)

Zeke: And now to post it on -- HEY!

(The others look. Where FiveMinute.net should be, the browser displays only a black screen and a funky temporal-paradox noise.)

Zeke: My site! My beautiful site!

Sa'ar: Beautiful is a stretch. You did make the graphics yourself.

Zeke: It's so nice to see that despite the recent changes in our staff roster, everybody dissing me is still in.

IJD: Uh oh. I think I know what's going on here. Try StarTrek.com.

(Same result.)

IJD: TrekToday?

(Ditto.)

IJD: scifi.com/battlestar?

(The page displays as usual.)

Scooter: I see what you're getting at, IJD! Someone or something -- or someone -- has wiped Star Trek from the timeline, leaving only the five of us unaffected!

Derek: Wait, what does the BSG page have to do with that?

IJD: Nothing. I'm just glad it's okay.

Zeke: (sighing) All right, so now we have some idea what happened. What do we do about it?

Sa'ar: I think we all know there's only one thing we can do....

(Stonehenge, the next day)

Sa'ar: You know, I was actually talking about holding a luau with the university cheerleading squad.

Derek: Well, you should have been more specific. Found it, Zeke?

Zeke: (prodding one of the monoliths) This is the one. I'm sure of it.

IJD: Then let's do it. Klaatu barada nikto!

(The stone shimmers, then begins to glow with strange, unearthly colours)

Guardian of Forever: I AM THE GUARDIAN OF FOREVER. SINCE BEFORE YOUR SUN BURNED HOT IN SPACE AND BEFORE YOUR RACE WAS BORN, I HAVE AWAITED --

Derek: A question, right? Got this one, guys -- I've read the novel. "Why?"

Guardian: BY INTERRUPTING, YOU HAVE BLOCKED YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING.

Derek: Oh.

Guardian: AHEM. SINCE BEFORE YOUR SUN BURNED HOT IN SPACE AND BEFORE YOUR RACE WAS BORN, I HAVE AWAITED THE PUBLICATION OF MY TWO FIVERS. HAVE YOU COME TO REWARD MY PATIENCE?

(Silence. The staffers give Zeke annoyed looks.)

Zeke: Uh... right. The fivers. You know, there's been a whole thing with those.

Guardian: BUT YOU WILL POST THEM SOON?

Zeke: Yes. Soon.

Guardian: ACCEPTABLE. YOUR LIFETIMES ARE AN EYEBLINK TO ME.

Scooter: Speak for yourself -- I plan to live forever.

IJD: This explains a lot. I always wondered how you knew the Guardian of Forever really existed and where it was.

Zeke: I never forget a contributor. Ever. Believe me, the guilt is like a crushing weight.

Derek: In this case, so is the contributor.

Guardian: IT IS GLANDULAR. WHAT HAS BROUGHT YOU TO ME?

Sa'ar: Well, Star Trek seems to have disappeared from the timeline....

Guardian: YES.

Derek: So it was time-travellers! Who did it? Kryptonians?

Scooter: Daleks?

Sa'ar: Minbari?

Zeke: The Evil Future Guy?

IJD: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Guardian: I DO NOT POSSESS THAT INFORMATION. I KNOW ONLY THAT A BEING OR BEINGS -- OR SOMEONE -- HAS ALTERED THE TIMELINE IN 1966.

Scooter: Preventing the show from ever going on the air!

Derek: How did they do it?

Guardian: THROUGH THE THEFT OF FIVE ITEMS OF GREAT POWER, KNOWN AS MIN--

Sa'ar: Mini-Cons?

IJD: Mini-Marios?

Guardian: MINUTES.

(silence)

Derek: What?

Guardian: THE NETWORK WAS UNIMPRESSED BY A PILOT WITH NO ENDING. THE TEMPORAL AGENT HAD SABOTAGED IT BY REMOVING FIVE OF YOUR MINUTES.

Zeke: They're your minutes too now. You can just say "five minutes."

Guardian: AS YOU WISH, PRINCE ZEKE.

Zeke: Don't call me Prince.

Guardian: YES, PRINCE ZEKE.

IJD: (I think that was another reference to some podunk thing we've never heard of. Assume the customary baffled expressions... annnd back to normal.) So, Guardian, I take it we were insulated from the changes because we specialize in that particular time interval?

Guardian: CORRECT. YOU ARE THUS THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN CORRECT THE DIVERGENCE. TO RESTORE EACH MINUTE, YOU WILL FACE A SEPARATE CHALLENGE. THE FINAL CHALLENGE WILL BE TO RESTORE ALL FIVE TO THE PILOT TAPE.

Zeke: Challenges....

IJD: Items of power....

Zeke and IJD: Like a video game!

Zeke: Finally all those wasted hours are going to come in handy!

IJD: (slaps Zeke) Not wasted! Never say that!

Scooter: I guess that just leaves getting there. Would you be willing to send us, Guardian?

Guardian: I WOULD.

(An image appears in the centre of the Guardian, showing the Paramount studio circa 1966.)

Guardian: FROM THIS POINT, THERE IS NO TURNING BACK. YOU MUST DECIDE. ARE YOU SUFFICIENTLY RESOURCEFUL BEINGS TO RECONSTITUTE THE INITIAL EPISODE OF STAR TREK?

Derek: (Did he just ask us if we're bad enough dudes to rescue the pilot?)

Zeke: We're ready, Guardian! Do your thing!

Guardian: VERY WELL.

(long pause)

Guardian: YOU HAVE TO JUMP THROUGH ME.

Zeke: Oh yeah.

(The staff jump into the image the Guardian is projecting, landing relatively smoothly on the Paramount backlot.)

Derek: Did that feel strangely familiar to you guys?

(Zeke and IJD nod; Sa'ar and Scooter shrug)

IJD: Well, here we are. Time to save the future from lack of Trek!

Zeke: Right on!

Derek: Hear, hear!

Scooter: Fantastic!

Sa'ar: How are we getting back?

(pause)

IJD: Don't be a killjoy, Sa'ar.

TO BE CONTINUED....

Got a comment on this part of "Minutemen"? Contact Zeke.

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