Dear Prospective Guest Writer-

Greetings "Newbie". Thank you for your interest in the Five-Minute Voyager website. Apologies for the enormous delay in responding to your first fiver attempt. I, the esteemed IJD GAF, am a very busy man. Rest assured, I almost assuredly have a perfectly good excuse for letting your fiver rot in my inbox since April 30, 2001. Once I think of a good one, I'll be sure to get back to you immediately.

I'm not going to say your fiver is bad, but I'm sure as hell going to imply it. In all my years of editing guest fivers, I've never seen such a derivative, horribly written attempt at humor. Normally this is where I'd make suggestions for improvement, but yikes! You can't polish a turd! Nevertheless, I suppose I must at least make some attempt at "constructive criticism," so here goes. "The Newbie" -- you've been warned.

>>Admiral Patterson: 'Sup, here's Voyager five years ago.
Janeway: What's the point of this setting?
Patterson: Ratings.<<

*blinks* Huh?

>>Janeway: Oh. Anyway, what's Seven doing here?
Seven: Quiet, you. You don't know me yet, remember?
Janeway: Right, right...different setting....<<

Double "Huh?".

>>Janeway: Quiet, you. This episode has about the same amount of continuity as a campaign promise<<

And three strikes, you're out! Explain your jokes! Don't just throw s$@% out and expect it to stick!

>>Seven: Found the bomb. I'm gonna try to remove it and make sure the whole crew knows it too.<<

What is this? It's not even a joke! It's abbreviation without absurdination. Why yes, I *have* been waiting to use that line.

>>Ducane: Here she comes. Oops, she died. Told you, told you. Nyaa nyaa.
Braxton: Meh, we've got the biggest reset button in the history of time travel reset buttons.
Ducane: Yeah, that's true, but isn't the technobabble a problem?
Braxton: Who came up with this stupid rule? Oh well, just get her again.<<

Zzzzzz.... Oh, sorry. I fell asleep because I couldn't figure out WHAT THE HELL YOUR CHARACTERS ARE TALKING ABOUT!

>>Doc: Uh oh, there's a time difference. It's not daylight savings time, is it?<<

Lame.

>>Seven: There's the problem. It's a temporal explosion thingy.
Torres: Captain, it's a time bomb!
Janeway: Okay, that was just stupid.<<

Also lame, but at least you noticed yourself this time.

>>Ducane: For some reason, we can hide your implants with this.
Seven: My implants? But without my implants the fanboys...oh, you mean the Borg implants.<<

ROFL! Er, it's the funniest line in the fiver, but that's not saying much. Yeah, that's what I meant to say.

>>Ducane: Finally, a non-Seven line! 'Sup Braxton, you suck, go to jail.
Braxton: Can I pass go and collect $200?
Ducane: No.<<

That's it. I'm charging you $200 for reusing old jokes.

>>Janeway: You're arrested.
Braxton: Crap, crap, crapcrapcrapcrap....<<

Plagiarism, oh noes!

>>Ducane: Thanks, don't talk about this. Oh, and Braxton was right, you suck.
Janeway: 'Kay, later.<<

Don't you know you're supposed to end on a joke? Jeez, you'd think this was your first fiver or something.

>>THE END<<

Thank God.

This fiver is not only bad, it's unfunny. If I were you, I'd be ashamed. You'd better hope Zeke is more forgiving than I am because man, if it were up to me this fiver would never see the light of day.

Let me just give you one piece of advice. If ever you get some wild-eyed notion of writing parodies of an entire series, DON'T. If this piece is any indication, you'll never last eight episodes. And if this is your freshest work, I'd hate to see what a fiver from you after burning out would look like.

Good luck in life. I'm sure you'd make an excellent accountant -- you seem to have a knack for the tedious.

Sincerely,
-IJD "Even my first fiver wasn't this bad..." GAF

----- End Message -----

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