Five-Minute "CaretaXXXer"

Five-Minute "CaretaXXXer"

It's a little-known fact that after finding out I'd accidentally sent my Five-Minute "Caretaker" manuscript to a porn publisher, I tried rejigging the fiver to be more suitable for their market. Turned out it still wasn't what they wanted, but hey, I tried. So in honour of the fifth anniversary of Five-Minute "Caretaker," I now present for the first time on this site....

Five-Minute "CaretaXXXer"

Janeway: I've explained my offer. So, Mr. Paris... wanna do it?
Paris: No. On second thought, yes. Yes! YES!

Shuttle Girl: There's Voyager. Ain't she a beaut?
Paris: Will you go out with me?
Shuttle Girl: Why go out when we can do it right here?

Harry: One green young ensign reporting for duty, sir!
Janeway: Call me Captain. (cracks whip)
Tom: Waaait a minute. Nobody said anything about this being an S&M briefing!
Janeway: Actually, I'm going for a de-briefing....

Chakotay: Hello, fascist Starfleet oppressor woman.
Janeway: Hello, traitorous Maquis insurgent man. Wanna come aboard?
Chakotay: Okay.

Tom: Can you help us find our friends, Mr. Old Geezer?
Caretaker: Not particularly. I need their bodily fluids.
Tom: To reproduce?
Caretaker: ...Sure.

Janeway: Want us to give you everything you need for free?
Neelix: (over the comm) Everything, eh?
Janeway: Oh yes. Tuvok, send Mr. Neelix the Delaney twins' measurements.

B'Elanna: Don't shoot.
Harry: Shoot? Heck no. Let's become an unlikely link between the Starfleet crew and the Maquis.
B'Elanna: Hmmmmm, I like that. Maybe you can shoot....
Ocampan: Welcome to Ocampa. You have a couple of days left to live, but we'll make them really nice days.
(Several hot female Ocampans file in)
Ocampan: And I mean REALLY nice days.

Tuvok: Geez, put some clothes on!
Neelix: Hmm... no.
Delaney Sisters: You're welcome to take yours off, though....

Doc: Turn me off!
Harry: Nope. Bye!
Doc: Okay then... Turn me on!
Kes: (unzipping) I thought you'd never ask....

Janeway: Well, Tom, you're the pilot now. Don't blow it.
Tom: Bite me. What's --
Janeway: Only if you bite me back.
Tom: Oo, I'm so inspired....
(Voyager blasts off for the Alpha Quadrant at BOW CHICK-A BOW BOW Speed)

THE END

Got a comment on this missing scene? I've got a comment on your MOM.

The code word for this Easter egg is "Ovipositor."

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This Easter egg was originally published on August 3, 2005. Shh.

DISCLAIMER: Eggs! Get your eggs, here! / Fresh and white eggs are here! / Wiggle jiggle, yellow middle, That's the best of what you are (I love you egg) / White and tender, surround the center / Cozy, sitting in the crackling shell....